


Ex

by Mulwray



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-11
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-01-15 09:30:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 42,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1300021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mulwray/pseuds/Mulwray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ex-drug dealer, ex-girlfriend, ex-daughter, ex-con: Alex Vause's first days after being released from prison. Might turn this into something longer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When they let her out of prison she got on a bus and drove to her mother’s house in the town she had grown up in. Her mother had died there, long ago. Now the bus she was taking took the same route of her old high school bus, before she had learned to drive, and oddly, the wet blank February day wasn’t that different from those days when she had been a lonely and awkwardly tall teenager. Alex Vause was still lonely and tall and she didn’t even have a car. She still wore glasses. She grimaced at her own reflection in the window and bit her lip.

Her mother’s house stood cold and lonely like herself, the porch rickety, weeds growing through the floorboards and leaves gathering in the gutter. It had once been a nice house, one of the few Victorian houses in the area; she had bought it for her mother herself. Some shingles had come off the roof several winters ago. No one had come to clear them.

Alex opened the windows and checked the water taps. She let the faucets run brownish water in the kitchen and bathrooms and checked the damage done from seeping rain and lack of care. Walking through the old rooms, she kept calm and blank. She felt too old for crying, too worn out, too much to cry about.

The bed in the guest room gave off a cloud of grayish dust when she slammed her arm onto it. Alex sighed. She had no idea how to get all the dust out of things. The heaters clicked and groaned in the depths of the house as they were coming on. Alex sat down on the bed and looked at her reflection in the mirror over the dresser. A dark haired woman with glasses in a parka, half-scowling, an ex-con, she thought. She really did still look the same as she had that morning. Her hair was long, which was probably what made her look younger than her age. Maybe she should cut it. She laughed at the thought. In the closets, she knew, there would still be some cheap left over evidence of her more glamorous days. Then she glanced at the bed. It sat there, knowing things. Alex made herself not think of those things.

 

A grocer packed some beer bottles, mustard, cigarettes and hot dogs into a brown paper bag at the bodega a few blocks away. It was already well into the night. Alex had been surprised the grocer still was there. She shook as she counted out the coins. It was the first time using money since she had bought the bus fare. Why is a nickel larger than a dime, she thought. Then the door swung open and a woman walked in with a small white dog. She was wearing nice clothes, sweatpants, but nice sweatpants: clean and pink and cozy, maybe she had gone for a walk. Her figure was good, Alex noticed, and suddenly she realized she had been obviously staring at the woman’s ass. Then the woman turned around and they were looking at each other. Alex felt her lip curling despite herself and her chin rising derisively.

“Hey,” she said, “Jessica Wedge.”

The woman mistook Alex’s sneer for friendliness. She let her dog drop to the ground and said, “Oh my _God_. How have you _been_.”

Her hair was a little lighter than Alex remembered, but her eyes were still pale. Her face hadn’t changed much at all. It was freckled and child-like.

“Good,” Alex lied, “I’ve been good.”

“I’ve just been out for exercise. Trouble sleeping, I guess. Andy just retired,” the woman said, “and Serena and Chelsea both go to Brown.”

“Really,” said Alex, never having heard of these people, “you must be so proud.”

“Oh,” said Jessica, “So proud.”

She was grinning, and nodding, and staring at Alex with questioning, almost hungry eyes. For a sudden awful second Alex had a vision of soft wall-to-wall carpeting and a buzzing television set and static dust.

You must be bored out of your fucking bullshit yuppie ass mind, Alex thought. She headed for the door with her bag on her arm, nodding at Jessica. She sensed a sick feeling at the bottom of her stomach; a worry that made her want to cry and she couldn’t quite identify it.

“You have kids, Alex?” Jessica called after her.

Alex guffawed. “Are you kidding me,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” said Jessica. It sounded like she was actually sorry about something, but what it was, Alex didn’t quite know. She hoped it had nothing to do with kids. But she felt Jessica’s loneliness seeping in every direction, and it made her stop in her tracks.

“Look,” she said, though she didn’t know why she said it, maybe she was lonely, maybe it was the rawness of being out of prison and having no one to celebrate with, maybe she felt sorry for the woman – “Would you like to have a beer? It’ll help you sleep.”

Jessica looked like someone had just asked her to jump out of a fast flying helicopter. Her eyes flashed miserably with excitement.

 

They shared the beers on the porch, despite it being late February. Alex brought out two dusty Adirondack chairs that must have colored onto their pants, but Jessica either refused to notice in the dark or she actually took it as part of the adventure of having a beer with Alex Vause.

“You’re strong,” said Jessica, when she saw Alex carrying the chairs. Alex only raised her eyebrows. It made Jessica laugh.

“So, Jessica,” said Alex, removing her glasses and cleaning them with a piece of toilet paper, “how come you live in this God forsaken place.”

“It’s just how it happened,” said Jessica. “I went to Rutgers, met Andy, then Andy actually got a job at the place here, can you imagine? It was a coincidence, actually, like, we didn’t actually plan on coming here. Now Andy’s got heart disease and retired early, two months ago. But, I mean, it’s okay. I have my horse, Abby. And the kids. I mean, well, they’re at school now, of course.”

“Huh,” said Alex. She lit a cigarette. She had meant to say, Why that really sounds fucking depressing, but instead she sat quietly for a while. Jessica’s dog let out a farting kind of snore. Alex smirked and looked over at Jessica. There were tiny pearl earrings in her earlobes, miraculously like the ones she had worn back in junior high.

A bit of wind was playing with the dead leaves on the lawn. It was Alex’s first night out of prison in eleven years.

“It’s fucking depressing, actually,” said Jessica after a while.

“Yeah?” said Alex. Her own voice rang raspy and smug.

“You know,” said Jessica quietly, “they were always telling stories about you, the wildest things. There was one about how you had become a secret agent or something, traveling the globe, then in one you ran an international drug cartel and were swimming in money and a crazy life and in another you were in prison…”

“They?” said Alex, “You mean, like, _They_ say faux-fur vests are in this season?”

She snickered. Jessica bit her lip and her eyes were watery with amusement. She is drunk on that one beer, just a few sips of beer, Alex thought.

“Sounds better than being called Sasquatch, though,” said Alex. She paused, raised an eyebrow at Jessica and pleasingly sensed Jessica’s discomfort in the dark. Then Alex added, “Anyway, you shouldn’t believe the shit people come up with.”

 

The worried feeling at the pit of her stomach lingered even after Jessica had left. Alex found some old sheets and made her bed in the guest room. The beer had mellowed her; the very dark, fizzing thoughts stayed away. But it was after she had lifted the mattress of that bed a little that she realized what the worried sick feeling was about.

Seeing Jessica had made her wonder about Piper, almost as much as if she had run into her ex-girlfriend herself. Over the years, Alex had pushed the thought of Piper further and further away, but now, suddenly, questions flooded her gut. Where on earth was she now? Was she happy? Did she have kids? Did she go running at night? Did she ever think of her?

Alex let the mattress drop, and threw two pillows in place. She stared at the bed. Her first, in over a decade - and it was that very same fucking bed she and Piper had fucked in, numerous times, special times when they’d come to visit Alex’s mother. They had stifled each other’s cries with pillows and the palms of their hands, she remembered. They had watched each other in that mirror over the dresser. They had come, reeling, clutching each other’s sweaty skin, and pressing their mouths together and coming from the sheer necessity of keeping it down. Those had been such fun, such good times. They’d fuck all night and then they’d wake up to Alex’s mother downstairs, making coffee, the radio blaring Wanda Jackson. If heaven were a place, or a time…

Instinctively Alex groped under the mattress, as if hoping to find evidence there of those moments. Nothing. “Well, fuck,” she muttered, as she curled into the bed. It smelled of dust, but it was so comfortable it almost hurt.

 

Alex woke with the sun shining in her face and bits of dust dancing in the light. It was very quiet, and very peaceful. She realized with a start that she was all by herself. Her old watch said it was almost noon. Alex showered and dressed, then decided to take a walk and buy some proper groceries. She walked down the road in the direction of the town, past the car dealership that made her wonder how long it would take to save up for a car. Oddly, the thought didn’t make her despair as it had in prison. It just was as it was. She would have to get a job eventually. She would call her old friends and talk to them. She would fix up her mother’s place and then maybe sell it and move somewhere that had nothing at all to do with her past; somewhere she would never have to think about Piper. Germany, maybe. Or Canada. She would not hang out with sorry ass people like Jessica Wedge that gave her sorry flashbacks. Fuck people like Jessica Wedge and Piper Chapman.

By the time Alex was carrying her groceries back to the house she was already making a list of people to call in the next few days. There was Donnie, her old high school friend, her first boyfriend actually – until the night they had both tearfully and simultaneously come out as gay to each other. And there was Nicky, who had been out of prison for a few years now, and then there was Vic, a kind rather than good friend who had visited Alex in prison and sent books every now and then.

A car was parked neatly in front of the house. Alex glanced at it, but it didn’t quite register. She stopped to open the mailbox with one hand and emptied out a thick wad of ads dating back to 2013, which she flung in the trash. Then she glanced at the car and glanced up and down the road. A cat hopped off the neighbor’s fence and slunk away. Alex headed up the front porch, pulling her keys out of her back pocket. She thought of the pocket knife she had just bought herself, too expensive and of little use but so satisfying; it had felt like something she ought to have, both as a lesbian and then as someone who hadn’t been near such an object for one whole long ass fucking sentence.

“Alex?”

Alex spun around. A woman was coming towards her with stringy blonde hair and darkish eyebrows. Oh my God, thought Alex, Oh Fuck, but she couldn’t say anything.

“Alex – is this a bad time?”

Alex set down her groceries at her feet, then stood up and shifted her glasses. She wasn’t sure whether to take them off, so she pushed them back up her nose. Then she realized she had been looking at the ground. She looked up again. She didn’t know what she was feeling.

“I know,” said the woman, gesturing hurriedly with her hands, “I _know_ you said I couldn’t come to you but, well, I overheard you were getting out around now so I drove by here to check, just to check…”

She sighed and dropped her arms to her sides. “Actually, I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing. I’m sorry. This was a bad idea.”

Maybe a lot of time passed until Alex spoke. The woman had just been about to turn around and walk away.

“Well, you’re already here, Piper. You might as well come in for a cup of tea or a beer or something.”

Piper’s eyes looked large and shocked and grateful.

“Just, don’t give me that look. Jesus.”


	2. Chapter 2

Alex set the groceries on the counter and faced the wall for a moment, closing her eyes and trying to breathe. Behind her, she could sense Piper cautiously standing in the kitchen. Alex could almost feel her holding her breath. There was a white buzzing sound in Alex’s ears and her head felt filled with an uncomfortable cotton mass. She shook it off and turned around. It didn’t feel like she was actually looking at Piper.  
“Beer? Tea?” she asked.

“Tea sounds fine.”

Alex removed the box of tea from her grocery bag and rinsed the kettle. It hadn’t been rinsed in goodness knows how long.

“Kettle’s – uh, old,” she said. She set it on the stove to heat and took a seat at the table. She removed her glasses, squinted, put them back on, and glanced at Piper.

“You’re here,” she said. Her voice cracked in her throat.

“Selfishly,” said Piper, “I wanted to see you, I guess.”

“Really,” said Alex, and folded her arms. They sat in silence. On the stove, the tiny blue flames blared and the water rumbled. Alex was aware of her breath shaking and her knees jerking just a little, and she fought for control over her body.

“How long have you been out?”

“A day, actually,” said Alex, “I got out yesterday. There were some –,” she waved her hand “ – problems. In the end I didn’t tell anyone. I’m amazed you know, actually.”

“I hear things,” Piper said. Alex raised an eyebrow.

“I’m an activist now,” Piper blurted, “I wrote a book about Litchfield, a lot of people read it. They might even do a TV-show. It’s been kind of crazy. So yeah, I hear these kinds of things.”

Alex felt her nostrils flaring. She inhaled through her nose, pushed up her glasses and rubbed her eyes. “That’s great, Piper,” she heard herself saying.

A raspy shriek came from the kettle and forced Alex to look up. Piper was staring at her, looking uncomfortable. Her eyes were pale. She had a grown-up look about her, now. It was relaxed and gentle. It made Alex feel so very tender. She poured them each a mug.

“What?” she said to Piper as she handed her the tea.

“I just was thinking,” said Piper, “you haven’t changed at all.”

“I’m consistent, remember?” Alex chuckled despite herself.

“You are,” said Piper. They stared at each other over their mugs. “Thanks for letting me see you.”

“D’you have kids,” Alex said unexpectedly. The next moment she wondered where that had come from. Jessica Wedge, maybe. Piper’s expression almost changed into amusement.

“No,” said Piper, “No kids for me. I’ve tried, but – well, it just got to be too much of a burden, really.”

“Oh,” said Alex, “I’m sorry.”

She wasn’t sure if she really was sorry.

“And how’s – was it Larry?”

“He dumped me,” Piper almost laughed. “That was so long ago, ohmygod. D’you know we’re actually friendly now. Sort of.”

Alex slowly nodded. A thought shot into her head, like a ridiculous ray of sunshine, an ideal, horsies and flowers, beautiful, marvelous thought: that Piper had waited for her all these years, that she had come to beg for Alex’s forgiveness, which didn’t fit, at all, and was actually kind of sickening as fuck, and anyway –

“I had a girlfriend for a while,” Piper said, “another writer. We still live together in Bedstuy, but, well, it didn’t work out. We’re still friends, though. And she’s part of my team, it’s really exciting –”

Fuck, this wasn’t what it was supposed to feel like. Hearing Piper talk like this, about living a life, about having a relationship with a normal fucking human being, made Alex want to hurl her new pocket knife out the window and turn over the table. For one awful second, Alex felt the control drop away from her. The second passed.

“Okay,” said Alex calmly. “Wow. Hooray for you, I guess.”

“I just – ”

“It’s okay,” Alex said again, “Really. So, why are you here.”

Piper took a deep breath and looked Alex in the eye. She put her hands on the table.

“Come work with me, Alex. We need someone just like you. There’s traveling, and interviewing people. We’ve even got some funding, so there’s money in it, too. I know you haven’t got a job yet. And you’d be perfect for it.”

Alex stared at Piper for a moment, then she threw her head back and guffawed.

“Activism? With you and your lezzie ex? Are you kidding? Fuck no!”

Alex watched Piper’s face grimace into hurt, which was satisfying for a moment. She held her breath. “Nuh-uh,” she said again, “no way.”

Piper’s mouth was a thin line. “Okay,” she said finally, “I shouldn’t have asked.”

“Maybe you should have _asked_ before coming here to fucking gloat all over the place.”

“I wasn’t – that’s not – you _asked_ me, Alex!”

“You’re just feeling guilty, aren’t you,” said Alex. She was still laughing.

“Technically, _you_ were the criminal, and _you_ got yourself locked up. So no, I don’t feel guilty,” Piper snapped.

“Well I’m glad to hear you’re doing so well,” said Alex, her voice still rolling with laughter, “Door’s over there –”

“Fuck you,” said Piper, getting up with a sudden lurch.

“Fuck _you_ ,” Alex called after her. She heard the door slam, laughing all the while and listening for the car to start outside. She kept on laughing until she realized she was sobbing.

It was an all-out kind of sobbing, dry, but violent enough to bend her head forward onto the table. When it was over, Alex stood, breathed deeply and shakily, and took a beer from the brown paper bag. She drank it standing, leaning against the counter and gazing out onto the neglected front lawn. Piper’s car was still parked there. Alex sighed, and went upstairs. She noticed all the things that needed to be done to put the house back in shape, but Piper’s presence had removed Alex from the house, and she couldn’t bring herself to focus on her thoughts or on what could be done next. She realized she should eat, but she wasn’t hungry. She could rake the leaves outside and clean out the gutter, but she would have to wait for Piper to leave. She could clean the sinks and the bathtubs, or watch an old VHS if it was still working, or call some friend. Finally she went back downstairs, found her cigarettes and went outside. She was almost relieved to find Piper there, coming back from what must have been a walk around the block. Alex could tell she had been crying. Her stomach told her that this was making her feel something, but she didn’t exactly know what. She looked away, then back at Piper, and then took a deep breath.

“Look,” she said.

“Don’t,” said Piper, “You were right, y’know? We were never friends.”

“Yeah.”

“And I was literally being selfish.”

“Yeah.”

“I just – ” Piper’s expression changed into a grimace, and Alex realized with a jolt that Piper might start to cry again, “I just fucking miss you, you know? I think about you all the fucking time.”

She was speaking very quickly and very quietly.

“Mhm,” said Alex, and looked at a place on the horizon. She could feel fluid gathering in her throat and in her eyes, and her chest felt too heavy to breathe. She wanted to say: I fucking miss you, too. Or much rather scream: Then be with me, you Asshole. She also wanted to say: Don’t come here, ever again.

Now she was trying to remember where the conversation had first derailed. Shot hopes, probably. Jealousy, mostly. Alex had never considered herself a jealous type.

“We’ll give it some time?” Piper’s voice was small.

“We’ve had plenty of time,” Alex mumbled finally. She swallowed and raised her glasses, because they felt like they had misted over. “Look,” she started again, and then she spoke slowly, looking Piper in the eye, “Let’s not talk about plans or our lives right now. I honestly don’t want to hear about yours, and I sure don’t want to talk about mine. But let me take you out or something. Let’s have fun. I haven’t had fun in so long I don’t even remember what it’s like. But you and me, we used to have fun.”

Then she remembered she didn’t have a job, or hardly enough money to live by.

“Ok, so you might actually have to take me out. If you want to, that is. Sorry, but I’m broke.”

Piper giggled and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands. Alex noticed that they still had scars on them from the fight she’d been in with the meth head. Jeez, she thought.

“Or, you know. There’s some cheap beer. And my favorite movies from when I was a teenager, remember?”

“Oooh,” said Piper mischievously, “Tempt me with one of those awesome movies from that cool dork teenager that you were. By all means, let’s watch a women’s baseball comedy.”

“Hey!” said Alex. They both smiled.

Piper then made a gentle movement towards her, as though she wanted to give Alex a hug, but Alex instinctively took a step back. They instantly pretended it hadn’t happened.

Everything became intensely gleeful from that moment on: Piper threw one glance in Alex’s fridge (hot dogs and mustard) and bag of unpacked groceries (tea, beer, cereal, potato chips and frozen foods), moaned, and Alex rolled her eyes on cue. They decided to drive Piper’s car to the liquor store for champagne or at least sparkling wine and something special, like strawberries. Being in Piper’s presence was searing and light, Alex thought. Like a drug, it made her move quickly and think up unexpected things. In the car she kept quiet, her breath shallow with excitement, trying hard not to grin too much. Every now and then, she reminded herself to stay in control; Piper had done numbers on her before and could do it again. There was no solid ground. But then she would just glance over at Piper’s hands on the steering wheel, and return Piper’s grin, and see how pretty Piper’s blonde hair still was and her eyebrows and nose and cheeks, and all thoughts went out in one little flicker.

 

“Come _on_ ,” Piper said in a mock-whine that made Alex chuckle, “We’re buying you some flowers. You didn’t even have a party.”

“OK,” said Alex, grinning,

“OK,” said Piper. She headed for a bucket of red roses but Alex stopped her. “Hold on. Why the red ones. Are you making a discriminating reference on account of my tattoo?”

“Jesus, Al, they’re the only nice ones. Look at the yellow ones, ugh.”

“I just thought they look like they’ve just done some time themselves.”

Alex’s laughter rolled the way it had in the old days, a loud and pronounced “Ha ha ha” that had always seemed to touch the innermost pit of Piper’s abdomen.

For a moment they exchanged a long glance; then Alex moved away awkwardly, self-consciously playing with a package of M&M’s, probably looking for a price tag.

How different she is right now, Piper thought, Not helpless, but numb, out of sync. Not used to buying things, or prices of things. Where once Alex had reminded Piper of a majestic wild cat, a panther with shining black fur and a dangerous, supple step, she was now reminded of Rainer Maria Rilke’s poem of the caged panther in the _Jardin des Plantes_ in Paris –

_His gaze against the sweeping of the bars_   
_has grown so weary, it can hold no more._   
_To him, there seem to be a thousand bars_   
_and back behind those thousand bars no world._

_…_

“Hey,” said Alex loudly, eyes-wide, “Blue Birthday Cake Ice Cream.”

Piper gasped.

“I know, right,” said Alex. “Doesn’t it bring back memories.”

“That was wicked. And also, I couldn’t walk for days.”

“ _I_ couldn’t walk for days,” said Alex with raised eyebrows. She smirked. “Anyway, let’s go.”

 

The house was dark when they got back. It hung over them like a dead gaping face. Alex realized with a sickening feeling how rarely, if maybe ever, she had seen the beautiful old house as dark as that.

“Wow,” Piper started, “It’s strange seeing it so dark –” before catching herself.

Alex didn’t say anything. She flicked on the kitchen light that had a cozy yellow glare to it, and started unpacking their things. They were no longer as talkative as they had been, and neither felt like uncorking the strange sparkling wine they had bought on a discount.

Piper touched Alex’s hand just as she was unpacking the ice cream. “Hey, why don’t I do this and you go find us a movie or start up the VCR?”

Alex walked away obediently. She could still feel Piper’s touch on her hand and it made her dizzy. In the dim light spilling into the parlor from the kitchen she crawled down on all fours to connect the cables. The familiar tiny lights of the VCR blinked on. It was unbelievable. It still made the exact same humming noise it had made in Alex’s youth. For a moment it almost felt like those days when her mother was still alive – her squatting on the floor, shuffling through the stack of videos, and someone in the kitchen, where the seeping light was, someone dear, someone loved beyond measure.

Slender hands ran gently around Alex’s shoulders.

“Hey,” Piper whispered.

Alex cleared her throat. Her muscles relaxed. When had someone last touched her like that?

“Have you picked a movie?”

“Yeah,” Alex smirked, relieved to change the mood and move away from Piper’s arms, “We’re going to be watching _Bound_ , the greatest movie ever made.”

She held up her old copy of the VHS that had a cover so lurid, she used to keep the copy hidden away under her bed. Piper rolled her eyes jokingly. “Again?”

“It’s either _Bound_ or _Showgirls_. And to be honest, I’m ready for some catharsis. I think I’m going to find _Bound_ so much more relatable. Also, I’m really excited to be the one who gets to decide what’s on TV.”

When they at last settled on the sofa they automatically left a small space between their bodies. They didn’t comment on this, but Piper had finally taken the hint of not touching Alex, and Alex appreciated her taking the hint, but those few inches of distance seemed to be screaming between them for the rest of the night.


	3. Chapter 3

She woke, her neck all stiff from having apparently slept sprawled out on the sofa. A familiar old blanket had been wrapped around her all the way to the shoulders. Alex squeezed her eyes shut and tried to remember her dream: something about small cats, on an adventure in a dark forest; at one point, she’d either been a cat or been riding on a cat, the light was dim and greenish-grey, the cats so close to her touch, so cute and fuzzy …

She realized suddenly that what she was feeling was arousal, and she buried her face in those dusty old cushions of the sofa.

Someone was shifting about the room. Alex sat up. The blurred outline looked familiar. “Good morning, Alex,” came Piper’s whisper.

Alex groped for her glasses and put them on. Piper’s hair was disheveled, and she was wearing Alex’s grey t-shirt.

“That’s my t-shirt,” Alex yawned. She realized she was grinning.

“Sorry,” said Piper.

“You had no right,” said Alex, playfully. She was about to gesture for Piper to come over; she wanted nothing more than to drag Piper onto her lap and bury her face in her chest and grab her ass and run her fingers through her pretty blonde hair.

“I’m making coffee,” said Piper. She came to sit, chastely, at the foot of the sofa. Alex could see her skinny naked legs, and the small breasts poking at the fabric of the t-shirt. She glanced across the room.

“Someone cleaned up here,” she said soberly. Her last memories had been the empty, sticky bowls and spoons of ice cream and wine glasses and the overflowing ashtray, and the sound of a telephone in the movie, and the weight of Piper near her on the sofa, and the sense of comfort…

“You were _out_ ,” Piper laughed, “like sleep was your one primal instinct. You didn’t even make it to that hot sex scene.”

“Oh I had plenty of that sex scene in my sleep,” said Alex, rubbing her eyes. The eyeliner rubbed off onto her palm. Piper pushed Alex’s leg playfully.

“I tried getting you up the stairs, but you plain out refused. And then I was so tired I had to lie down on your bed. I used your toothbrush. I’m sorry.”

“That’s a ten thousand year old toothbrush,” laughed Alex, “ _I’m_ sorry.”

Piper hadn’t left without saying good-bye, she thought. Piper had stayed the night, she had slept in her shirt, she had used her toothbrush. It made Alex turn away and curl up into the sofa.

“Ugh,” she moaned, “I’m exhausted.”

“Yeah,” Piper yawned and made her way to the kitchen, “I’m going to get you some of that coffee.”

“Hey Pipes,” Alex called after her. It was the first time she’d called her Pipes. Piper stopped and turned to look at her.

“I’m glad you stayed,” said Alex.

 

Piper stayed till noon. It was a Sunday. A line of white light hung in the wintery sky outside the window. They had been sitting at the kitchen table, talking.

“I better get back to the city,” Piper sighed. Alex didn’t say anything. She just nodded. In some ways, she was almost relieved for her to go.

“So, what are your plans?” Piper asked, “for the week, I mean.”

“Uhhh,” said Alex, her heart sinking. She tried to remember.

“Okay,” she continued, “So my parole officer’s coming by tomorrow. Then, I guess, I’ve got to get a phone or something. And a job. Get some stuff done around the house, assess some of the damage.”

“Would you like me to come up for the weekend?” Piper asked. That was a week from now, thought Alex. It felt like fucking forever.

“We’ll see,” Alex answered flatly.

“Okay,” said Piper. She wrote down her number on a piece of paper and stuck it behind a magnet on the fridge. “Call me?” she said sharply. Alex frowned and all of her insides frowned with her. She resented the fact that she was no longer calling the shots, that she could no longer make herself attractive by being elusive and powerful. She raised her eyebrows.

“Whatever,” she said coldly. She knew she was being childish now, but she also felt like she couldn’t help it. She wanted Piper to leave immediately or stay forever. She didn’t want a fucking job, or a fucking life, or anything at all that she had no control over.

“Fine,” Piper snapped. “I’m just going to wait then.”

She was pulling on her coat. It was a nice coat. Alex didn’t have a coat like that; all that remained of her old wardrobe, the less expensive pieces, was maybe fit for a thrift shop but not even. Watching Piper now made Alex feel old and drab. In a few years, she’d be even older and drabber. What the fuck, she thought, Just go away.

Piper leaned down to kiss Alex’s cheek and Alex awkwardly turned her face as if to avoid it but she accidentally did it the wrong way and their lips brushed. They both sensed each other’s hesitation and startled intake of breath. Then Piper leaned forward again and kissed Alex’s cheek. Alex smirked, but she couldn’t move.

“Bye,” said Piper.

“Bye,” mumbled Alex.

 

After Piper had left the emptiness of the house let Alex relax, before the quiet and loneliness became sickening. She looked for the grey t-shirt Piper had used but couldn’t find it, so she simply curled up into the guest-room bed Piper had slept in and tried to inhale her scent. She went to stare at the old toothbrush in the guest bathroom. Except for the missing t-shirt, the empty bottle of sparkling wine and the tub of ice cream, there was no proof Piper had actually been there. Even her number, scrolled in her handwriting, didn’t seem like it had been put there that very morning. It was stuck beside one of Alex’s mother’s spotted old grocery lists.

Alex wandered upstairs and opened the door to her mother’s room just a crack and glimpsed in. She saw that the light inside was grey; she saw the old quilted covers and the dresser with the mirror and the tiny bottles of perfume. The gilt picture frames in their tacky animal paw shapes, the ancient Raggedy-Ann dolls. Alex quickly closed the door with a soft click and walked away.

In an old cupboard Alex found the pair of Doc Martens she had worn in High School. She had saved all her money from a summer job selling ice cream and hot dogs to buy this pair. Alex pulled them on – they still fit comfortably. It made her laugh. That whole summer spent working for those shoes! Later in her life Alex had gone on to make twice that amount of money in less than a second. Wearing her docs, she went for a walk to the bodega and got the cheapest possible phone, an old plastic chunk, maybe twenty years old. She opened the box with her new pocketknife as she walked and felt satisfied.

Maybe I’ll get a cat, she said to herself, or a dog. I’ll call up Donnie. Everything’ll be fine. I’ll wear lipstick again.

 

That night she masturbated to the thought of fucking Piper from behind, pushing her down into a bed, or against a wall. She imagined Piper’s body as supple and moist all over, the way it had always been when they were young. She thought of kissing Piper’s throat and shoulders and holding her firm little breasts with the hard nipples poking at her palm and grasping and thrusting inside of her while she and Piper let go harsh, needy, inexorable cries. The fantasy was so strong it made Alex whimper deliciously, no longer needing to stifle her gasps with a pillow. Her hand clasped her heaving breast. When she was done she covered her face with her hands and lay like that for a while in the dark, thinking nothing. She couldn’t exactly cry with tears, but masturbating had provided the same sense of relief.

 

Monday morning, the parole officer showed up. She was a slender African American woman with fine cheekbones and long eyelashes. Alex could have sworn she was no older than twenty or twenty-five. She asked to see her badge. It said the girl was twenty-eight. It also said her name: Kayla Ginsberg-Bernard.

“KGB?” Alex joked. The girl didn’t answer. They had a seat in the kitchen.

“Ginsberg?” Alex said, “So what are you, black _and_ Jewish?”

She heard her usual mocking laugh escape her. The girl threw Alex a kind of exasperated as well as bored look.

“Sorry,” Alex mumbled.

“I’m your parole officer, Ma’am,” said the girl. Then she quickly added, “and my paternal grandfather was Jewish.”

Alex raised her eyebrows.

“So I’m technically not Jewish. Anyway. Ms Vause – it says here you attended AA meetings at the facility? Why are empty beer bottles standing out by the garbage can?”

“That isn’t –“ said Alex, flustered “- I didn’t do the AA meetings on account of _alcoholism_ , I did it because I was a substance abuser.”

The girl looked at her again and wrote something on a block of paper.

“Anyway, drinking beer isn’t illegal, is it.”

“No,” said the girl, slowly and with a bored voice, not looking up. She handed Alex a stack of papers that were to be signed. Alex watched her out of the corner of her eyes.

The fact that she was in uniform added a certain butchiness to her appearance. She looked the age of one of her old mules, though she probably was not of their social background. The fact that she brought back memories was enough for Alex to shift smugly in her chair. The smugness lasted for about a moment.

“Also, this” said the girl and handed Alex a small plastic cup. Alex raised her eyebrows amusedly. “Like right now?”

The girl raised her eyebrows as well.

“Aren’t you supposed to ask me some questions?” said Alex, “Wouldn’t you like some tea or something?”

“No, I’m good,” said the girl, and motioned with her eyes for Alex to go.

 

At the door, the girl handed Alex a pamphlet of institutions rehabilitating ex-convicts into work places. “Seriously,” said Alex.

“What else are you going to do,” said the girl. “There’s this one business, it’s about a half an hour’s drive away.”

“I don’t have a car,” said Alex automatically.

“Try a bicycle,” said the girl, and then she was out the door.

“Whatever!” Alex called after her.

 

She didn’t manage to find a job all week, but she didn’t really try. She busied herself fixing the house as much as she could without doing any shopping, such as vacuuming, raking away the leaves and collecting the fallen shingles to see which could be salvaged.

In the evenings she read, smoking cigarettes and drinking beer. Every day she put off calling Donnie, Nicky, or Vic.

Friday she spent every second knowing she could call Piper whenever she liked, and that Piper would come if she asked her to, and that there was nothing wrong with calling and asking, and yet, she didn’t. She went through the tools in the shed, sorting them into piles to keep or repair. Every ten minutes she found herself glancing outside, just in case Piper had driven up on her own accord. It didn’t happen, of course. Alex’s heart beat quicker and quicker. She debated going over to the bodega for cigarettes and apples. What if Piper came by and found the house empty? Would she wait like she had last time? Should Alex leave a note? What would a note tell Piper – that Alex had been anxiously waiting to see her so badly she was afraid to miss her? …

 

In the late afternoon, she finally typed in the number into her new phone and let it ring. Just as it was about to stop, a female voice answered. That voice, Alex recognized without hesitation, wasn’t Piper’s. “Hey, hold on one sec – Piper can’t come to the phone right now but would you –“

Without a second’s thought Alex had hung up and switched off her phone, her blood pounding in her face. She spun around for a moment and shouted, “Fuck!”

Then she thought about what she had just done and felt embarrassed. It was already getting dark out, so she decided to count her cash and head to a bar. She couldn’t afford it, but she went anyway. She had a beer, and another, with a solitary old man in a hunting hat. After the third beer, they were getting along swimmingly, and Alex had calmly switched her phone back on. Two girls walked in and stood at the bar, murmuring amongst themselves, the way girls did. They were, at the most, nineteen years old with fake IDs. Alex stalked over to them and ordered them each a beer. The girls giggled confusedly, but looked at Alex admiringly. One of them was blonde, with a Joan Fontaine-ish young, startled look. Alex took to her at first, but the girl was so sweet and so sheepish, it almost hurt. Alex knew she could tease this one into breathlessness. It was too easy. The phone rang. Alex had been in the middle of laughing at one of her own jokes. She answered, “Hey.”

It was Piper, of course. “Is that you, Alex?” her voice was barely audible. Alex gleefully detected a note of disappointment in her voice.

“Uhh yeah,” said Alex. “I couldn’t reach you this afternoon.”

“I’m sorry. You hung up on us.”

“Bad connection.”

“Where are you right now?”

“In a bar. It’s loud,” Alex found herself walking away from the two girls.

“Would you like me to come up tomorrow?”

“I don’t know.”

The line crackled with an intake of breath. “Whatever,” said Piper, “There’s plenty of stuff I need to get done in the city as well. I just thought we could go do something nice. Go out for a hike. Drive somewhere. I don’t know. If only you weren’t such an asshole all the time.”

It all sounded so awfully fucking nice. Alex felt her eyes growing watery.

“It’s my asshole gene. Got it from my father,” she said slowly.

“Oh Alex,” said Piper. They didn’t say anything. Then Piper suddenly gasped, “Are you crying?”

“Fuck no! My nose is running.”

“You’re disgusting. I can come pick you up at ten or eleven, which do you prefer?”

“Eleven.”

“Fine, see you then.”

“Bye.”

They hung up. Alex suddenly felt filled to the brim with a liquid glowing substance, golden as beer, only so much better. She walked back to the bar beaming and asked for the check. Well, fuck. It came up to about eighty dollars. No way in the world she had that money.


	4. Chapter 4

Saturday was unusually warm for late February. Alex had her black morning coffee standing upright against the white wooden banister of the porch. The breeze smelled deliciously of spring. The lawn looked better than it had; there were hints of primroses growing in patches. It was almost eleven. Alex had only to wait for a moment and Piper would be there, she had to do nothing and she would come, so now Alex could just lean against that banister while her insides fluttered and the corners of her mouth again and again jerked upwards into a smirk.

Sure enough, a car soon drove up with the driver’s window rolled down. Piper’s eyes were squinted against the sun.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey,” said Alex. They were both grinning. Alex swirled the coffee round in her mug, drank the rest in one gulp, and left the mug on the porch as she walked swiftly towards the car.

“Good morning,” said Piper as Alex got in. Alex shifted her glasses on her nose and fastened her seat belt.

“Have you eaten?” Piper asked.

“No.”

“I thought so, I got you a donut.”

“Piper,” laughed Alex.

“It’s a special occasion!”

She handed Alex a small brown paper bag. “There’s tea in the thermos,” she said, motioning to an old backpack on the backseat, “I packed a picnic, I guess. Cause I thought we might take a hike or something.”

“Wow,” said Alex, not being able to contain her grin, “What a treat. Thanks, Pipes.”

She took a peek into the bag and saw that it was chocolate glazed with rainbow sprinkles.

“I thought about getting two,” said Piper, “but you’d always get two and then never eat the second, or you’d eat it and then regret it.”

Alex chuckled and shook her head. She could feel Piper watching her, holding her breath, and so she looked up quickly. She didn’t know how to thank Piper for the donut. If she thanked her again, it would be over-the-top, but she was touched by how Piper had remembered her favorite donut, for making this something special, for caring enough to make a fucking picnic for them. She quickly leaned forward to kiss Piper’s cheek and withdrew just as quickly.

“Ass-kisser,” she muttered. They drove off.

“I heard about a trail at Ten-Mile-River?” Piper said. “It’s a forty minute drive. We could see how far we get and if we don’t like it we can always drive to Liberty or something.”

“My mom and I once tried that trail one summer. She said she used to take it with her dad before he died. Anyway, we didn’t make it very far because we got distracted somehow, I think it was basically that we discovered a swimming hole or something, we just kind of said Fuck it, y’know? It was so pretty. We just stayed there and bathed and played cards and went home in the evening.”

They drove in silence for a while. The familiar road, leading through the woods, was bleak in February. Growing up, Alex had thought it was the most boring thing imaginable and got out as fast as she could, but now she didn’t mind. The sun slanted through the trees, the air had that shimmering translucent quality, and the thawing road glistened ahead. It was nice, really.

“Ugh,” mumbled Piper, “it’s nice to see some trees for a change.”

“Yeah,” said Alex.

She realized that according to the rules of small talk, she was now expected to enquire about Piper’s tree-less life in the city, but this would lead to a kind of quid-pro-quo, and Alex talking about her own life and how she was now broker than broke after last night’s escapade in the bar, which would lead to Piper’s concern over Alex finding a proper job. So she didn’t say anything. It was too risky. If they had a fight in the car, she’d be trapped.

“How’s Cal?” Alex suddenly asked. She had never met Piper’s brother, but the woods suddenly made her think of him.

“He’s, y’know, good!” said Piper. “He has a kid now.”

“What,” said Alex.

“Yeah, I know. She’s going to start school in the fall, and she’s quite a handful. They send her to this Waldorf-y Kindergarten in the woods where the kids are basically forced to stay outdoors all day. They wear really warm clothes and build tree houses and play games. So she’s kind of wild. I get the feeling you could just lock her out of the house and she’d be fine on her own.”

“No shit,” said Alex. “Did they give her some kind of Wiccan name, too?”

Piper laughed. “I almost don’t want to tell you now.”

“Can I guess? Is it Echo?”

“No.”

“Leaf?”

“No, stop it.”

“Is it something to do with a branch, like Twig?”

“No!”

“Come on. Is it Sprout? Fog, maybe? Or Root?”

“Cut it out!” Piper was giggling. Alex loved making Piper giggle like that.

“Alex,” Piper shook her head, “ugh, you! Moment’s passed. I’m not telling you my niece’s name just so you can tease her.”

She was smiling though, and Alex’s mouth twitched with a smile as well. She was pleased with herself.

“Why does everyone have to have kids,” Alex muttered, “Like it’s the last fucking frontier or something. Like there’s nothing more exciting you can do, nothing left, or something.”

“Well, what else is there to do?” Piper said quietly.

“Travel the world, write a fucking book, watch every single John Ford movie, build up some business, I haven’t a clue, I don’t know what it’s all about. I just know that we just all are born with these giant gaping holes inside of all of us that we try to fill it with something and eventually we just fill it with babies and pets ‘cause they’re soft and cute and say unexpected things or look cute when they’re running around in circles.”

Piper didn’t say anything for a while. Then she said, “I hear ya, Al.”

“I don’t mean that I think that Cal’s not a good dad. I’m sure he’s a great dad, actually. I just don’t know what a person is supposed to do, I guess.”

Alex took off her glasses and rubbed her eyes. Her speech had exhausted her. She waited for Piper to come up with some string of bullshitty advice, but Piper just nodded. Then Piper turned to her and said, matter-of-factly:

“Sometimes I feel the same. And sometimes I pretend not to.”

 

They parked their car at Ten-Mile-River. Theirs was the only car. The canoe rental place was closed, as well. Alex walked down to the river, stretched, and yawned. The river made a sweet, mumbling noise. Alex could feel Piper watching her. She could feel herself wanting Piper, wanting to reach out and pull her close. She turned to Piper, who was shouldering the backpack, and grinned. Piper grinned as well. There was nothing to say and so much to be said. Alex yawned again. “Jeez,” she said.

“Long night?”

Alex rolled her eyes. She could tell Piper wanted to know more, so she changed the subject, “Trail starts over there, I guess.”

There was a small hut with a clipboard inside for hikers to sign themselves in. Alex immediately went for it, scribbling down GANDALF XOXOXO.

The trail started off as a dirt road along the river and then swerved off uphill into the forest. They walked for a half hour in silence until they crossed over a little waterfall where the water gathered in a dark pool near a large slab of rock.

“Is this where you and your mom hung out?”

“I don’t know,” said Alex, “it might’ve been.”

“We should come here some summer,” Piper murmured.

“We’re here right now,” said Alex. It would have been so easy to take Piper’s hand now, but they were going uphill again and the path was too narrow to walk side-by-side. It reminded Alex of being a teenager. Piper walked up ahead, climbing nimbly and swiftly, and Alex enjoying the view of her ass. She called out, “You sure you want to carry that backpack, kid?”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine,” Piper called over her shoulder.

At last the ground flattened a little, the path widened and Alex caught up with Piper. It was very quiet. A dripping noise was coming from the trees. Their footsteps echoed. Every now and then, a creaking forest-noise could be heard in the distance.

“You think the black bears are up from hibernating?” said Piper.

“God, I hope so,” said Alex. “If you see one, walk away slowly and don’t look it in the eyes. They’re at their hungriest now and there’s little food yet.”

This made Piper snicker to herself.

“What?” said Alex.

“Nothing,” said Piper.

“Is it me, being such a girl scout? It’s just what they’d always tell us –“

“Oh, it just reminds me of someone I know.”

Alex looked around confusedly, but she never actually got the joke.

They had lunch on the clearing high up on the cliff, overlooking the river and the woods. The bare trees far off in the distance glowed reddish in the midday light. The sun shone on their faces and warmed the rocks. Piper spread an old blanket so they could eat, sitting and watching the river and the birds. “Look,” said Alex, “TVs. You know what a TV is?”

“Is it a Turkey Vulture?”

Some turkey vultures were circling an area far down the river bend. “There’s probably some road kill up along the road towards Liberty,” mumbled Alex, chewing her food thoughtfully. “That view is fucking beautiful. Who needs Cambodia, right?”

They washed the sandwiches down with tea. It was growing cold, sitting huddled on the rocks of the windy cliff, but they felt too comfortable to leave. Alex had the urge to thank Piper for the picnic, but instead she motioned for Piper to come sit closer. “You’re looking kind of cold over there, Kid,” she said, and patted the spot at her side. Piper crawled over and Alex placed an arm around her and drew her close. She thought she could feel Piper’s heart beating right through her back. It made Alex smile. They watched the view. “This is nice,” said Piper.

“Mhm,” said Alex.

“You smell nice, too,” said Piper.

“Of old house?”

“No, I mean of you.”

Alex chuckled. “Is that why you took my t-shirt?”

“Did not, it’s –“

They went quiet again. Alex moved her hand up and down Piper’s back awkwardly. What she really wanted to do was kiss Piper, but she felt that she wanted it almost too badly, and if she did, it wouldn’t be good. Then Piper turned to look at her, and her look was full of longing, and Alex’s heart rose to her throat. She gently touched Piper’s face and kissed her.

Piper’s mouth was so small and hot and eager, her cheeks so cold, Alex thought her own heart would break through her chest, cracking her ribs. She could feel Piper’s thin hands running through her hair and along her neck, fidgeting with the collar of her shirt. It was growing almost unbearable, and Alex withdrew. Piper put her hand up to her mouth. Neither apologized. They cleaned up their site, calmly packed the backpack, and walked on in silence.

 

It was around three when they got back to the car. Their faces were flushed and fresh, and they thankfully hadn’t spoken of the kiss. Only at times, their fingers had grazed each other’s palms before withdrawing. They were tired, the good kind of weary tired one gets from exercise and fresh air, but they decided to drive to Liberty anyway and get something to eat. It was a nice town, the kind of town _nice_ people from the city came to on the weekends, and the thrift shops and used bookstores were still open. Alex discreetly eyed a place selling used bicycles. There was one up for eighty dollars, which she didn’t have and was also short of thanks to last night’s escapade. It was a real shitty-looking bike anyway.

A mannequin in the thrift shop was wearing a short, low cut blue velvet dress. “Hey, that brings back memories,” said Piper. They stopped to look at it and Piper turned to Alex. “I haven’t seen you in something like that in like a thousand years.”

Alex pushed her hands into the pockets of her parka and guffawed.

“It _does_ look like something I used to wear, huh,” she said, swinging her long hair back over her shoulder in a gesture of disinterest, “Cheaper than what I used to wear, though.”

She walked on. She didn’t like thinking of what her legs would look like now, in that dress. Or how she would feel, wearing something like that. There was a record collection in the used bookstore a little further on. Piper was lingering somewhere behind her, probably browsing. “Hey Pipes,” Alex called, “I’m just going to check this out, okay?”

“Okay,” Piper called back, “I’ll be with you in a sec.”

Alex headed straight to the stack of records under D until she found two records under _Death Maiden_ , which she slipped out and stared at. She hadn’t done that in a thousand years either, maybe more. The two record covers still looked pretty much the same to what they had looked like in her childhood, in her mother’s collection, when she had gone to them again and again just to catch a glimpse of her father. There he was. She just had to walk into a thrift shop to find him. Consistently. Good looking, in that picture. It was almost good to see him. Was he dead now? Alex realized she didn’t even know.

“Hey,” said Piper gently, coming up to her from behind, “Whatcha doin’?”

Alex looked at her and smirked sadly. She held up one of the records. “That’s my father. The drummer.”

Piper gasped genuinely. She looked at the record cover for a while, then handed it back and said, “Makes sense, I guess. He’s tall, your mom wasn’t.”

“Oh she used to be, though.”

“Well, he looks more like Sasquatch, I guess.”

Alex laughed.

“Anyway, let’s eat, I’m starving.”

 

Alex glanced at the menu, adjusted her glasses, and frowned. “My treat,” Piper said quickly.

“In that case…” said Alex. She ordered a deluxe burger with potato wedges and a giant glass of root beer in a sultry voice.

“Mhm mmhm,” said Piper, “Bacon and caramel onions, eh?”

“I enjoy extravagance,” Alex drawled. She put down her menu. “Thanks, Piper. This isn’t going to last forever, I promise.”

“You _prah-miss_ ,” said Piper with a wink. They held each other’s gaze for a moment, trying to trace the respective fossil of hurt and anger the other was feeling. Alex pushed up her glasses, reached out across the table and took Piper’s hand. They looked each other in the eyes. “I fucking mean it, okay,” she said.

“Okay,” said Piper.

Their drinks came. Alex unwrapped one side of her straw and blew the rest of the paper sheath across at Piper, laughing goofily. “Ugh,” giggled Piper.

“Been wanting to do that ever since we got in here.”

“Hey,” said Piper, “I got you something.”

She reached out and placed a brown paper bag on Alex’s side of the table. Alex looked at the package and then at her. “What the fuck,” she said.

“Open it!” said Piper.

“Pipes, isn’t this getting a bit excessive?”

“Shut up and open it.”

Alex opened the bag and caught a glimpse of blue velvet. Something in her head made a crackling sound, like the paper containing the blue velvet dress. She knew she needed to say thank you, yet couldn’t make herself smile anymore.

“Fuck,” she said. She looked at Piper, who was still wearing an excited expression on her face. Gradually, the corners of Piper’s mouth dropped and her eyes hardened.

“Is this some kind of charity ball?” muttered Alex.

“I didn’t –“ said Piper, her voice hoarse with emotion, “that’s not – No! It’s just a present.”

“Oh, right,” said Alex. “So are you going to start buying my clothes from now on?”

“No, I thought it looked nice. I thought it’d look nice on you.”

Alex mimicked Piper’s expression. She could feel the temper building in her, her face growing hot.

“ _You_ used to buy me dresses,” said Piper. Her voice was dangerously low. “Even when I objected. You used to buy them because you wanted me to look the way you wanted me to look.”

“Well, I had a lot of money to throw around, as we both know. And I’ve paid for it, haven’t I. In so many ways.”

Piper exhaled loudly. She put her hands on the table and hissed,

“I’m sorry if it so fucking offends you that I saw this dress that, excuse me, would look fucking amazing on you. And that I bought it for you, so that you could, I don’t know, get out of the house every once in a while. Go to a party. Meet people. Whatever!”

“Go to a party and _meet_ people?” Alex could sense her own voice rumbling meaner and meaner, “Would you like me to date other women, is that what you’re saying?”

“Maybe you should!” snapped Piper. There was a pause.

“Wait, what do you mean by that?” said Alex quickly.

“Nothing, I’m sorry,” said Piper, “forget it.”

“No, what did you mean?”

“I said, I’m sorry.”

“Would _you_ like to date other women? Is that it?”

Piper looked exhausted. She rolled her eyes. “No, of course not,” she said finally.

Alex looked out of the window. She saw two thin boys on the other side of the street, swinging round and round the pole of a traffic sign. A car drove past. Alex’s sight was blurring. She grimaced and said, without looking at Piper, “I’m being unfair and ridiculous and an asshole, I know. I’m fucking embarrassed.”

“You _are_ an asshole. You’ve always been something of an asshole.”

Piper’s voice was kind.

“Yeah,” Alex laughed. She wiped away a tear. Then another came, and another. Alex kept on laughing, wiping away the moisture coming from her eyes. She pulled down her glasses and sniffed. “Fuck. I’m sorry. I fucking love this goddamn dress. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I haven’t got any shoes to wear it with.”

“You’ll find something.”

Alex dragged in the moisture through her nose and looked at Piper. Piper looked back. They reached out and held hands across the table until their food came.


	5. Chapter 5

It was dark now. They’d had coffee after their dinner and a long enjoyable conversation about nothing in particular and were driving back to the house, feeling full and satisfied, groggy even. They had settled back into their comfortable silence. Alex was leaning against the window in the passenger seat, watching Piper out of the corner of her eyes. She was thinking about what she was supposed to do when they got back to the house. Should she simply ask Piper to stay the night? She had settled for offering her a beer. But was it too obvious that she wanted Piper to stay the night; that she craved it, ached all over for it, that she felt like she couldn’t stand Piper leaving her at all?

“You know,” said Piper, “You could come down to the city some time next week if you like.”

“Oh yeah?” said Alex.

“I’d be working most of the time, but you could go to a museum or see a movie at film forum or something.”

“Where would I sleep?”

Piper glanced at her confusedly; perhaps afraid she had gone too far.

“On the sofa, we can arrange something.”

“And what about your ex?”

“We’re just friends now. Room mates. We’ve been just friends for nearly two years now.”

“Just friends,” mimicked Alex.

“Alex, I swear, if you start one more fight –“

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. It just drives me crazy.”

“What does?”

Alex didn’t reply.

“Are you going to ask me anything about my life or listen to what I tell you about her?”

Alex raised her eyebrows as far as they went and said, ceremoniously, “No.”

“Okay,” said Piper.

“I can’t come to the city,” Alex said finally, tugging at a hangnail on her thumb, “It’s nothing to do with you. I used to have an apartment at Bleecker and Mercer, remember? That’s all gone now. It’s fucking depressing. I don’t even like thinking about it.”

“I remember that place,” said Piper. They shared another quick glance. Alex’s whole body ached just at the thought of those memories. She wished Piper would stop the car. She wanted to touch her and hold their bodies close, she wanted to be gentle and then she wanted to savagely attack her, in the backseat of the car, in the woods, right now.

“What are you thinking,” said Piper. She reached out to touch Alex’s cheek.

“That I feel like I’m actually jealous,” her voice was raspy and hushed.

“Because of my room mate?”

“So how long were you two together?”

“A little over three years.”

Alex held her breath while her stomach did an awful plunge. She had never, ever, ever felt like this. She knew Piper had slept with other women apart from her. It had never bothered her before. She nodded, calmly, and said, “Wow.”

“It wasn’t like it was with you,” said Piper quietly.

Alex shrugged. She had torn off her hangnail and her thumb was bleeding.

“I don’t even want to start asking about how many girlfriends and wives you had at Litchfield. Not to mention last night.”

“I’ll write you a list,” said Alex. “Anyway, this whole conversation sucks. Let’s talk about something else.”

Her voice really had gotten raspy. She’d spoken more that day than she had in the past two weeks combined.

They were already driving along Alex’s street. Piper parked the car and the silence hung in the air between them. Piper sighed.

“Well, are you going to ask me in for a beer?” she said finally.

“Uh-huh,” said Alex.

 

She switched on the overhead light in the kitchen, opened the fridge and reached to get two beers off the bottom shelf. She didn’t noticed that Piper had crept up on her from behind, and was standing right in front of her when Alex turned around. It made Alex jump.

“Jeez! Pipes,” she laughed.

Piper stoically took the beer bottles from Alex’s hands and slowly placed them on the counter beside them.

“Are you okay?” Alex asked, her voice hoarse with amusement. She shifted her glasses, lifting them back so she could look Piper straight in the eye.

Piper looked back at her, and Alex realized something which, in the next moment, she had already forgotten with Piper’s lips pressing fiercely onto hers, her fingers running through her hair, her mouth opening ever so maddeningly into so many kisses that covered her throat and cheeks and forehead. Alex’s arms flew up Piper’s back, pulling her closer, feeling for the naked hip under the hem of her shirt, then frantically moving up her front, tracing her throat and collar bone and small, precious breasts which were hidden behind that small, annoying bra. She could feel Piper’s arms reaching up beneath her shirt, clawing into her back and then, deliciously, running her smooth cool hands over Alex’s breasts and bra. Her chest leapt with longing. Somewhere, far away, Alex heard her glasses clattering to the ground but paid no attention. Everything was Piper now, arms and hips and belly. An unbearable need was growing inside her, pooling into moisture between her legs. She groped for Piper’s thigh, which had lifted against her hip, and moved forward to lift her onto the kitchen table. There, she pushed herself between Piper’s legs, a chair crashing over to their side and a stack of papers fluttering away with it. She grasped Piper’s ass firmly, their hips thrusting against each other other. Piper was fidgeting with the buttons on Alex’s shirt. Alex simply lifted away Piper’s shirt far enough to expose her breasts, not even bothering to remove her shirt completely. Their arms were getting in each other’s way and they laughed breathlessly and kissed again, fuller, more open, so that Alex felt like she was opening up every core of herself, and falling freely and helplessly and everything inside her was falling with her.

She had managed to unbutton Piper’s jeans and forcefully pulled them off, taking Piper’s panties along with them, and immediately dropped to her knees to kiss and knead along Piper’s thighs, heading for that familiar hot center.

“Oh,” Piper gasped, “Please, no, stay with me, please.” She was dragging her fingernails along Alex’s back and then, very suddenly, she had unhooked Alex’s bra. “Come on,” she moaned. So Alex pushed her back onto the table, their cunts unexpectedly touching, making them gasp, Piper cupping Alex’s breasts. Alex pushed her hand between them and then pressed her fingers into Piper, to which Piper whimpered in response.

“Too much?” Alex whispered, her voice caught and barely audible.

“You’re good,” Piper mumbled between moans as Alex thrust in and out of her and then lingered, curling her fingers at her center, “please, this is good, so good.”

Piper’s bra had by now been pushed away, and they moaned at the sensation of their naked breasts pressing against one another while Alex fucked Piper between whispers and cries. Their bodies still fit onto each other, they realized ecstatically. Their need for each other was still there, violent, sometimes delicate, apparently never assuaged. Alex lifted Piper up so that she could press her face against her breasts and gently kiss her hardened nipples. Piper’s fingers were running through Alex’s hair, tugging desperately. She had wrapped her legs around Alex. They were moist all over, and shaking. Once, Alex hit her elbow against the hard edge of the table.

“Ouch,” she laughed.

“Should we go upstairs and continue?”

“Fuck no, we can do that later.”

She moved down between Piper’s legs, kissing over the open folds of Piper’s cunt, circling her tongue round the little swollen bud, pressing into Piper first with her tongue and then again her fingers, all the while worrying the clit until Piper arched upwards, crying out and shaking uncontrollably. When their breathing slowed Alex covered Piper’s cunt with her hand and gently kissed Piper’s lips and forehead. She didn’t know when she had last felt so dizzy and so calm.

Piper opened her eyes. She silently placed her hand on Alex’s breast and cupped it gently, her thumb playing with the nipple. They pressed their foreheads against each other. Piper’s cunt was so moist and soft in Alex’s hand.

“Can we go upstairs now?” said Piper. “I want to get you off so bad but I bruise more easily than you and I’m sick of us fucking on hard surfaces.”

Alex woke thirsty, sprawled out on her stomach, on her bed in the stuffy guest room. Piper was sprawled out on top of Alex’s back, her lap cradling Alex’s behind, her breasts pressed against Alex’s shoulder blades. She was fast asleep. The naked skin between them was sticky with sweat. Alex freed herself gently. Piper rolled aside, but her arms immediately reached out and fastened around Alex’s hip, as if she had to stop Alex from leaving, even in sleep. Carefully, Alex lifted Piper’s hand and dragged herself away. It was hard to look at Piper, sprawled out there, golden-like, almost pure. The door squeaked, so Alex crept through it without opening it too far. She walked downstairs, one step at a time, her vision blurred without her glasses. Those had been lying on the floor of the kitchen, mercifully unbroken. Alex put them on and yawned. The clock on the wall said it was two thirty in the afternoon. They had fucked all night, Alex thought smugly. Just like in the old days. They were still as good as new. Her face wouldn’t stop smiling. She filled a tall glass with water and drank it, eyes wandering through the kitchen with its upturned chair, their clothes and the pieces of papers and junk they had scattered everywhere. An apple had fallen off the table and rolled all the way to the front door. It was the last piece of fruit in the house. Alex double-checked the fridge but there really was nothing to eat. Oh well. She took the apple, fetched the pocketknife from her pants that lay discarded on the kitchen floor, and climbed back upstairs with the glass of water.

Piper still was sleeping. Her naked chest rose and fell peacefully. Alex watched her, and then watched the image in the mirror of her watching her, their two naked bodies together familiar but just not quite, like half of one of those Spot the Differences Puzzles.

She was peeling the apple when Piper’s eyes suddenly flew open. “My God,” she said. “What time is it.”

“Three almost.”

“Fuck,” said Piper. She rubbed her eyes.

Alex cut a slice off the apple and handed out to her. It made Piper smirk, her nose wrinkling when she did. She curled her body around Alex and held her close, hear face hidden in Alex’s side.

“Did you have a good sleep?” said Alex.

“Yeees,” drawled Piper. Alex chuckled. She put the apple away and crawled down beside Piper, cradling her close. Their legs intertwined. The proximity of their naked bodies was delicious. They stared at each other for a long while, not saying anything. Alex reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind Piper’s ear.

“There isn’t any breakfast,” she whispered, finally.

“Are you sure?” said Piper. She grabbed Alex’s ass. Alex laughed. They kissed, gently, lingeringly. Then they broke away, staring at each other some more.

Finally, Alex cleared her throat. “Would you like me to go get some bagels or muffins from the bodega?”

Piper’s gaze turned apologetic and immediately Alex dreaded the reply.

“I’ve got to get going, Al. It’s at least an hour and a half to get back to the city…”

Alex swallowed and nodded. She forced herself to smile, genuinely.

“Right,” she said.

“You’re always welcome to come with me,” said Piper. Alex shook her head. She couldn’t say anything. Finally she said: “Parole officer.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” said Piper. She crawled onto Alex, clutching at her, her mouth wandering over her throat and then her lips. “I hate saying good-bye to you, I hate it, I hate it so much,” she said between kisses.

“I’ll be fine,” said Alex.

“See you next weekend?”

“It’s not like I’m going anywhere,” said Alex. “I’m still on parole, remember?”

She was starting to find her own nakedness unbearable near Piper, so she got up, grabbed a t-shirt from the dresser and pulled it on.

“Your clothes are downstairs,” she mumbled, trying not to sound cold.

Something was vibrating loudly in Piper’s jacket when they got the kitchen. Piper answered it, turning away from Alex, speaking quickly and in a low voice,

“Hey, yeah. I stayed the night. I’ll be home in like two hours I guess. … ”

Alex’s insides churned at the mention of the word _home_. She didn’t say anything and she told herself not to feel anything, but her mouth twitched, anyway. Not bothering with underwear, she pulled on her jeans and staggered to the stove to make coffee.

“I can make it up here Friday afternoon, Al – ” Piper said, pulling on her jacket. “I’m usually done around noon.”

Alex nodded. They kissed at the door, much too briefly.

And then, suddenly, she was gone – leaving only the crushing loneliness and the kind streaming sunlight that is so particularly gruesome when there is no one to share it with. Alex put the beer back in the fridge. She lit a cigarette and walked out onto the porch with her coffee. The gnawing feeling in her stomach wouldn’t abate. In a few days it’d be March, she told herself, and then, well then, she would actually finally get her shit together. For real this time.


	6. Chapter 6

Monday, the parole officer came by again. She came late, around noon, when Alex was making a mess out of her mother’s old lasagna recipe. Her mother had been a terrible cook during Alex’s childhood, but she’d eventually grown to liking it as she got older, making notes of recipes and trying things. The lasagna, though, had been their shared classic since as far as Alex could remember. It wasn’t good, the way Alex had made it, but it was a meal at least.

“Want some lasagna,” Alex said to the parole officer.

“No thanks,” said the girl. She was still pretty. She was still chilly as well, but eventually surprisingly kind. Just as she was leaving, she said: “I’ve made a few phone calls for you. The Mermaid Café in Port Jervis actually is looking for a waitress. And they said they’d consider you, you just need to give them a call and make a date for an interview.”

“A waitress,” said Alex, derisively.

“It’d be an actual job,” said the girl, “the people who work there aren’t in some kind of rehabilitation project. But I told them about you and they said they’re interested.”

“Oh, great,” said Alex. She felt such a bitterness rising in her for accepting help from a stranger – this girl, her parole officer – that she almost forgot to say Thank You.

“How would I get there?” she said awkwardly.

“There’s a bus,” said the girl. “Leaves from Main Street every hour.” She left the small business card with the Mermaid Café’s number on Alex’s kitchen table. “Figure it out,” she said, and left.

 

Wednesday afternoon, Alex took the bus to Port Jervis. She had imagined the Mermaid Café to be some kind of Hippie Feminist Café, smelling of incense and playing Joni Mitchell; or something sleazy and lesbian, at least – but it really was a lame ass kind of thing, a grubby wooden floor with a grubby wooden ceiling to match, and a ten-minute walk from the bus stop, making it a nearly two hour commute. An unlit jukebox stood in the back, framed by faded photographs and newspaper clippings. There was an empty stage-like space in the corner that looked like it might be used for poetry slams. The owner, named Rita according to their phone conversation, was waiting at the bar, smoking a cigarette. Her hair was white and her skin flabby.

“Wow,” said Alex, “you still smoke in here?”

“No,” said Rita, “but we’re closed ‘till three, so.”

They talked for a while. The bar they were leaning on reeked of alcohol and mildew-y mop. Rita didn’t ask much about Alex’s past, or her crimes, and Alex wasn’t sure how much Rita knew at all, so she didn’t bring it up. It was more of a conversation than an interview. Finally, Rita said:

“Be honest Alex, would you come to a place like this?”

“Honest?” said Alex. She shrugged, half laughing. “Only if it’s late and this is the only place around.”

“Mhmm,” said Rita. “I need a new manager, really. Get some kind of crowd in. Anyway, you start on Saturday at three, serving at the bar. Our girl Jean will show you the ropes. It’s basically a regular bar-tending job.”

“So…”

“So we’ll just see how that goes. You got the job, I guess. Congratulations. See ya soon.”

Alex’s head buzzed. For a moment, she just sat there. She wanted to blurt out, half-laughing, What, _why_? – but she simply said Thank You and shook hands with Rita.

 

Alex was about to walk out the door when it hit her that she had been given a job, more or less, and with that, a thought shot into her head. She turned around. “Hey Rita, d’you happen to have one of those smart phones that have the internet on them?”

“Jeez, lady, how long were you in the slammer for? Everyone’s got one.”

“Yeah,” laughed Alex, “except me. Would you let me check something on yours?”

Rita handed Alex her phone wordlessly. It was uncomfortable and unfamiliar typing on it, but using a search engine was still pretty straightforward and Alex had always been good at getting the gist of these things. She quickly found the information she needed.

 

Instead of walking back to the bus stop, Alex headed straight for the Port Jervis train station. Alex’s head felt light and her lungs filled with air. She was going to get on a train, she thought. Get on one of those trains that head right into New York City via Secaucus, like the ones she used to take as a teenager. The whole notion was less than an idea; it was a half-formed sensation in her stomach, born on the sheer glee of having been given a job. All Alex knew was that she would get on a train, and that somehow, the destination would be Piper, and whatever would happen beyond that wasn’t for Alex to think about.

The Port Jervis Stop wasn’t much of a train station, just two tracks, one bound southeast, the other northwest, in the middle of a parking lot. A smell of Burger King wafting through the air. The afternoon sun broke through the clouds and made everything brighter than it had to be. The oily puddles in the lot shone like silver. Alex squinted at the sun and felt unspeakably free, like her old self, doing things on a whim, not calculating an outcome.

 

On the train, Alex took a window seat. She spent the entire hour and a half watching the trees and houses and small rivers. Every now and then she fantasized about the sex she and Piper had had the other night. The sensation of Piper fucking her, her fingers buried inside her, filling her, their bodies weighing each other down. Piper’s naked body, her hips and breasts and arms. But mostly she just thought nothing. She changed trains at Secaucus, and instead of heading up onto the street at Penn Station she took the A-line straight down to Nostrand Avenue. She avoided looking at the other passengers on the subway, staring straight ahead, her arms folded. By the time she was walking down Piper’s street of old fashioned red brownstones, it was growing dark and Alex was feeling dazed and aroused. She climbed the steps of Piper’s house and hesitated at the door. What if the ex-girlfriend was in, the _other_ ex-girlfriend, the one that wasn’t Alex. Then whatever, thought Alex, and pressed the buzzer. She buzzed about five times before realizing that no one was coming. The streetlights came on, but the house remained dark. So much for an entrance. With a sinking feeling, Alex fetched her phone from her pocket and carefully dialed Piper’s number. It rang a few times and then went straight to mail box.

“Fuck,” muttered Alex. She almost laughed at herself. Here she was, growing cold and lonely in a neighborhood she didn’t know with nothing on her but a wallet and a phone and keys to a house far away.

She had reached the bottom of the stairs and was walking out the gate when her phone rang again.

“Hell-oo,” said Alex, matter-of-factly.

“Al?” said Piper, “I’m sorry, I’m in a meeting –“

“It’s passed six already,” said Alex.

“We’re running late, yeah. What’s up?”

“Not much,” said Alex, “I’m standing in front of your house but you’re at work, so.”

There was a pause.

“You’re _what_?”

“I wanted to see you so I came here but you’re not here.”

Piper sighed. There was an even longer pause.

“What were you thinking?”

“Obviously I wasn’t.”

“Damn it, you could have called. I have dinner plans, Alex. Really important dinner plans, if I cancel, I am _screwed_.”

“That’s fine,” said Alex, biting her lip, “I’ll just go and distract myself somehow. Give me a call when you’re done.”

“Maybe I can send Ella to meet you and let you in.”

 _Ella_ , thought Alex. Fuck no.

“Nah, that’s okay. I’m really excited about going to a bar here in Brooklyn.”

“Alex –“ Piper started, then dropped it. Her exhaling breath crackled in the line. “Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, me too.”

They hung up.

 

Alex walked down to Fulton, and then kept walking. In the old days, before they had started travelling together, she had just walked in on Piper whenever she pleased. She had also kept Piper waiting whenever she pleased. From an early age, she had learned instinctively that to keep someone waiting was to have power over them. Leave someone hanging in uncertainty and you basically owned them.

It had been so easy, with her life constantly hanging by a dangerous thread – an endless intricate video game really – to not even care too much when she pushed the thought of Piper to the furthest recesses of her mind. And then, once Alex walked in, unannounced but definitely wanted, she could do anything she wanted with Piper. There’d been tears sometimes, and drama – this one particular time when Piper had thrown a cut-glass vase at Alex and then, when Alex couldn’t stop laughing at the outburst, slapped her hard in the face – but at the end, Alex had always bent Piper’s will in some way or other. And also, Piper had just been some college graduate with a stupid waitressing job. Gloriously, there had been nothing for her to do but wait for Alex. Those had probably been the most luxurious times of Alex’s life.

No wonder Piper had hated her so much towards the end.

 

Just like in the days after Piper had first left her, Alex walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey sour. She slid onto a bar stool beside an attractive looking brunette in what looked like her early forties. “That kind of a night?” said the woman. Her accent was British, the kind Alex’s wealthy artistic London clients might have had.

She remembered a girl, maybe about thirty, might’ve been younger, with that kind of an accent, dying of an overdose of heroin. She had been some kind of heiress. The weird thing had been that Alex hadn’t even seen the girl taking the drugs. It’d been the stupid rock-star scumbags she’d been hanging with. Anyway, the girl had gone off and next thing she was stiff and cold and Alex had just had enough time to disappear without a trace…

“It’s only seven,” Alex muttered now. The bar was almost empty.

“You sound like a smoker,” the woman at the bar said.

“Yeah? Well I’m out of cigarettes.”

“I’ve got some,” said the woman, “care to join me?”

They went out to the patio. The chill made Alex shiver. She realized how tired she was. The woman lit a cigarette and then handed Alex the package using the same hand. Then Alex realized the woman only had one hand.

She almost said Fuck!, out loud but could stop herself.

“Thanks,” she said instead.

“You look like you just got out of prison,” said the British Woman laughing, as a joke. Then she looked at Alex again, and stopped. “Good God. I’m so sorry,” she said.

But then they both laughed. The British Woman bought Alex another drink and another. By nine, a line of lesbians had entered the bar. They were all in their early twenties. All different, some stylish and some not, but they all distinctly had that little unspeakable thing that could make you tell a gay girl from a straight one. Alex eyed them. She knew very well how impressed they were with her. She liked young women; she would never stop liking young women. At first it might have been them being the main targets of her job, but in the end, she just liked how lithe they were, how sweet, clumsy, and unmarred; and in the end she liked how they gave her power.

She turned to the British Woman and raised her eyebrows. “I keep forgetting how old I am,” she whispered. “Technically, I’m definitely a cougar now.”

“You insist on saying very unflattering things to me,” said the British Woman. “I would’ve thought you to be in your late thirties. Maybe mid-thirties.”

Alex rolled her eyes. The British Woman was good company. Somehow, everything stung less.

Alex’s phone screeched. It was Piper, of course. Alex pushed her glasses up her nose and took her phone outside to the patio.

“Where are you?” said Piper.

“At Ginger’s, on Fourth Avenue or something.”

“The lesbian bar?”

“Pipes, I haven’t been to a lesbian bar in over a decade.”

“Okay, well, we’re coming to get you.”

“ _We_?”

“Ella and I.”

Alex bit her lip. She wondered if the British Woman would let her stay the night, and if she should push Piper away one more time, just to make her suffer.

Then she thought better of it.

“Well,” she said, “You don’t have to. I could just meet you at your place. D’you know when you’ll be home?”

“In about a half an hour.”

Alex could hear the hesitation in Piper’s voice.

“Well, I’ll see you there,” Alex said.

“Okay,” said Piper carefully, “Alex?”

Alex closed her eyes. There it was, she thought. What she liked. “Yeah?”

“You’re coming, right?”

“I’m just finishing my drink.”

 

“Girlfriend?” the British Woman asked when Alex got back to the bar.

“I guess,” said Alex. “My ex, really. She’s living with _her_ ex. Oh, goddamn it.”

“Maybe you should take the ex and then you can all ex it all out together?”

“Ah ha ha ha,” said Alex, digging around her pockets for cash, “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to have another beer.”

 

It took Alex nearly another hour to realize what an asshole she was being, but by that time she didn’t even have money left for a subway fare and she decided to walk, which took forever. When she got bored she started murmuring under her breath a song the British Woman had been singing: _“Each man kills the thing he loves, each man kills the thing he loves…”_

 


	7. Chapter 7

She had sobered up and was feeling guilty by the time she got back. The wind was blisteringly cold. She hesitated at the buzzer, then decided to call instead. The display said Piper had called four times in absence. Alex must have managed to switch her phone’s sound off at some point. Fuck.

Piper sounded exhausted.

“Alex, it’s super late, where the fuck are you.”

“Right at your door. I’m sorry.”

She climbed upstairs to the apartment. Piper was standing in the doorframe, watching Alex come up the stairs. She was looking exhausted as well, skinny in her t-shirt and sweat pants, arms folded across her chest. Alex’s breath caught in her lungs because there was something about seeing Piper like this that was familiar and beloved and washed over her like relief.

“I’m sorry,” Alex said again from a few stairs down. “I’m sorry, okay? You look cute, by the way.”

“Keep your voice down,” said Piper, “Ella’s asleep. We’ve had a long day.”

Alex didn’t say anything when she reached the landing. She pulled off her shoes. It was almost impossible to look at Piper now.

She lifted her glasses and pushed them back over her forehead.

“Look,” she said, “this was really asshole-ish –“

“Asshole- _ish_?” Piper cried, completely ignoring whoever was sleeping in the house. “Just stop being so goddamn smug, will you? You really love how you can just bring down everything crashing and then expect the pieces just to magically float together again. Grow up.”

Alex nodded. “Okay,” she said finally. She didn’t know what else to say. A part of her wanted to tell Piper how much she hated herself, and that Piper could just go on hating her, that it was okay to hate this hate worthy mean self that was her. Another part of her thought, what the fuck, it was just like an hour and forty minutes. She bit her lip and stared at Piper. She would have liked to shift her glasses back over her eyes but she felt frozen, like she had to keep her guard up and not move.

“Damn it,” grunted Piper, spinning to the side, raising her fists. She reached out, as though she was about to punch Alex, but then she halted and turned around. “You piss me off so badly,” she muttered, “I swear I really would love to smash your stupid fucking face in sometimes.”

“Go ahead,” said Alex, with a tentative giggle. “I like it when you get so aggressive.”

“Just shut up and get in here.”

Alex took a step inside the apartment. It was dark. They hushed their voices automatically.

“Look,” Alex said again in a stage whisper, “I’m really, really sorry. It was stupid. I was going out of my way to be mean. I wish I could undo it but I can’t.”

“Two hours, Al! Two hours of me sitting here, waiting for you, wanting you to be here, wanting to be with you, growing more worried by the second.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.”

“The minute you called this afternoon I couldn’t even think of anything else. And then I’m up, exhausted, wondering whether you’ve been fucking murdered by that fucking cartel you used to work for. Because that’s actually a plausible worry, isn’t it.”

Piper was still on a rant, in a whisper, but every word flew out of her mouth aggressively, followed by gestures. In the dark, Alex could make out how wide her eyes were. Finally, Alex reached out and held Piper by the shoulders.

“Hey, Kid,” she said, still in a whisper, but as loud as she could. “I’m here now. I promise you I’m not going to do this ever again. Ever.”

Piper wiped her nose with the back of her hand. “Ever, ever?” she said.

“Ever, ever, _ever_ , ever, _sorta_.”

“Asshole.”

“Mhm, yeah.”

“You’re just always going to think it’s funny when I assert myself and I’ll always get pissed off. You jerk. So why are you here?”

Alex had to think about it for a moment. Oh right.

“I got a job,” she said. Piper’s eyes widened. Her emotions visibly rushed from anger to excitement.

“That’s so great!”

She stepped forward, quickly wrapping her arms around Alex’s neck and kissing her on the lips. “That’s wonderful,” she said. They kissed again. Piper tasted of warmth, and cinnamon toothpaste, and nervousness. Then Alex stepped back and settled her glasses. She couldn’t stop smiling, and tried looking away.

“You’re so fucking annoying, though,” said Piper. She sniffed Alex’s shirt.

“And ugh, you smell of lesbian bar.”

They stepped into a small living room and kitchen. A lamp was lit by the sofa that was covered in papers and calendars and books; a desk of sorts. Piper stepped over and switched off the light. “Let’s go to my room,” she whispered.

 

They tiptoed down the hall, past a bathroom, and into Piper’s room. It was kind of like being in the shared apartment of students. Piper’s room had a desk, closet and bed, with no standing space to speak of. Books were piled neatly up along the wall. They crawled onto the bed and Piper switched on a little bedside lamp, bathing their faces in a purple gold. The heater made a clicking noise. It was cozy. Alex’s tired eyes fell onto an old photograph of a beach, propped up on a stack of books. She could make out her own tattooed arm in the photograph, and a part of her chin, smirk, and sunglasses. Her skin was smoother, the jerk of her chin clearly more confident. “Hey, that’s –“ she whispered.

“I found that a couple of weeks ago. Stuck as a bookmark in a book of Czech poetry.”

Piper yawned.

“Would you like something to eat, I completely forgot about that.”

“I’m good,” said Alex, and meant it. She felt good all over, huddled there, on Piper’s bed, half-drunk, half-sober. She had been expecting a terrible fight and hurt and anger. She had never expected this downy light and the warm clean bed, this marvelous soaring mixture of exhaustion and safety.

“You look tired though,” she said. Piper yawned.

“I want to hear your story about the job,” said Piper.

They curled up under the covers, Alex in her underwear spooning Piper in her pajamas, Alex’s face buried in Piper’s hair, murmuring themselves to sleep.

“Is it one of those rehabilitation projects?” mumbled Piper.

“Fuck no, thank _Gawd_ ,” said Alex. She wrapped her arms around Piper’s ribs, just beneath the softness of Piper’s breasts, and drew her closer, as close as possible. Happiness was spreading like warm water through her limbs.

“No, this is just a plain old waitressing job. But I feel like they like me, I mean, like, I feel like there’s a way to go from here, unless I work with complete suckers, but we’ll see, right? It’d be just my luck, getting out of a prison filled with stupid scary smelly suckers and then to just be tossed right back into something like it.”

“You and your world view,” giggled Piper, who was already half asleep.

“Huh?”

“Sometimes I feel like … that for you the world is divided into two groups, the suckers and the dealers. It’s so Nietzsche of you, Alex.” she had begun to drawl in her sleepiness.

“But,” chuckled Alex, “The world really _is_ divided between the suckers and the dealers, Piper.”

“…it really makes me want to hate you,” Piper drawled on, “but then I just hate how much I love you and then it just makes me realize how fucking _much_ I love you and then I just…” she buried her face in the pillow and drifted away. The last word she mumbled, and Alex thought she could hear it quite distinctly, was “Supercunt”. Then Alex fell asleep as well.

 

She woke from a dreamless sleep to voices mumbling in the bathroom. Water was running in the sink. It was still dark out.

“Wow,” said a low voice, “you look _awful_.”

“Yeah,” it was Piper’s sleepy voice, the one that could be high and kind of bullshitty at times, “we fell asleep soon but then I kept waking up just to check whether she was there.”

“You should take the day off, I can handle that whole Colorado convention thing.”

“We really need to get it done, though. And the grants –“

They went on mumbling about business. Then –

“So, how did things go last night? Did she apologize at all?”

“Ella – “

“Piper, she kept you waiting for over an hour on a work night. You shouldn’t let the two of you fall back into a pattern like that.”

“I’m not saying I excuse it. I just, I don’t know. Being around her is like –“

Alex squeezed her eyes shut and tried to listen harder, but the voices were drowned by the clicking of the heater coming on in her room and the noise of the stove in the kitchen. She could only hear the next sentences because Piper’s voice had risen.

“ – fucking feel like I’m going crazy. Like my whole body just – _aches_.”

“Uh-huh. You’re over-exhausted. And also, you two have this crazy drama thing, you’re behaving like teenagers.”

“It feels like that. It feels like no time has passed at all, actually. But we’re old now, and I don’t know where we’re going, and I have all these worries, and I don’t know whether she...”

 

Alex rolled herself into a ball and hid under the covers so that she couldn’t listen any further. A part of her felt good about overhearing the conversation, and another part felt ashamed and angry, and in general, she didn’t really know what all of this was. She went back to pretending to be asleep. The heater clicked and the window made a shimmering noise. A car drove by in the street. She was half sleeping again when the door clicked open and Piper crept back into the room and climbed onto the bed. As she was climbing over Alex, Alex rolled onto her back and opened her eyes.

“Hey,” she said. Her voice sounded smug. She was smiling despite herself.

“Hey,” said Piper. She leaned forward and kissed Alex lightly, straddling her. “Hey,” she said again.

“It’s so early,” said Piper between kisses.

Alex hands were wandering up her loose t-shirt up to her breasts, then digging into her pajama pants to feel the smooth skin around her ass and thighs.

“Mhmm,” said Alex. She grasped Piper’s back.

From somewhere in the apartment, someone was shouting “Bye!”

Piper quickly broke free from their kiss and called out, “Bye!”

And then came the sound of a door falling shut and someone walking downstairs. They were all alone.

“C’mon,” said Piper, pulling Alex’s t-shirt over her head. Alex didn’t protest. Piper leaned back, letting her hands wander over Alex’s naked body in admiration. The familiar shape of her navel, her shoulders and chest and heavy, round breasts that seemed even rounder from above. She covered Alex’s breasts with her hands, gently pressuring the nipples until Alex drew her breath in sharply.

In one swift movement Alex sat up and they kissed fiercely, their bodies grinding moistly into each another. Alex hand slipped between Piper’s folds, reaching for that one sweetest thing that made them both feel like they were endlessly falling. It was slowly growing light outside. The heater buzzed. Their mouths made muttering, moaning noises. Neither of them came, and neither of them was trying to. Finally they just lay there, tangled, satisfied, and permanently wanting. Piper traced the rose tattoo on Alex’s arm and Alex watched her.

“Sometimes I can’t believe you’re real,” said Piper, “and I feel like even if you weren’t, I would go on wanting you for forever, like a very dark fairy tale, like you’re my complementary…”

She stopped and looked away shyly. It was too early to talk. Alex kissed her.

 

Later in the afternoon they took the subway down to Coney Island. They ate overpriced hot dogs along the windy boardwalk and washed those down with coffee and donuts.

“I think I’m going to die,” said Piper.

“But it’s the best way to go,” said Alex, licking rainbow sprinkles off her fingertips. She guffawed and gave Piper several loud frosted kisses. Piper’s nose wrinkled with laughter.

They were high and nervous from the coffee and the excitement of the bright, windy day that seemed brighter than usual.

Alex chewed the inside of her mouth for a while. Then she decided to ask the questions she didn’t really care to hear the answers for. It was for the best after all.

“So, how come you are sharing an apartment with Ella.”

“Financial reasons, mostly.”

“Okay. But two years is a long time, huh.”

“Mostly we just like each other. She’s supportive and kind. She’s a good friend to have.”

“It sounds like you were the one who did the breaking up.”

“What makes you say that.”

“The person who is broken up with usually is willing to have the other person stick around no matter what, that’s all. And the person who does the breaking up doesn’t notice how painful the hanging around thing is for the other person, who just wants to get back together again.”

Piper closed her mouth to a thin line. She just barely didn’t roll her eyes.

“Things change when you get older, Al,” she said after a while.

Alex laughed sarcastically at that. She tried to hide, unsuccessfully, how badly the comment had stung.

“Alex,” said Piper, “Please.”

“Mhmm.”

“What I mean is that it wasn’t that kind of thing that you might think it was.”

“Which is what, exactly. That you weren’t ever in love with her?”

“Of course I was in love with her. But it wasn’t a crazy, scary, _amour fou_.”

“Ah,” Alex said, “because that’s what we had.”

“That is what we had, yes.”

“So technically, you never saw this thing between us working out.”

“It _didn’t_ work out, Alex.”

“You didn’t give it a chance.”

They sat quietly for a very long while. Seagulls flew overhead. Alex crumpled her paper coffee cup. I loved you, she thought, I loved you very simply and very purely but you never even acknowledged that.

It almost made her sick now.

“So, was it you who broke up with her?”

“It was mostly mutual, but yeah. It was me.”

Alex laughed unkindly. They were wading through a flood of resentment now and neither knew how to reach a higher ground. They went on walking along the boardwalk, and finally strolled down onto the beach. Alex watched the silently standing amusement park rides. Kids crave those rides, desire nothing but those bright lights, thrills and laughter, they see them for so much more than what they are. And once they get older, they only see those frames and scaffolding with the paint coming off, the thrills have left and they hear the ghosts of the laughter and the lights and it gives them the creeps. Nobody loves those rides. When they do, it’s for the nostalgia.

“What are you thinking,” said Piper quietly.

Alex shook her head. Finally she said, without thinking, “Why can’t you come live with me?” she hated the desperation that undermined her own voice. She swallowed and tried to say, more coolly, “I’m working on fixing the house up. It’ll be nice.”

But the desperation was still there. The wind coming from the waves was salty. Alex shifted her glasses.

“It’d be a two hour commute by car. Over two hours.”

“Forget I brought it up, then.”

“Alex.”

“Never mind, I said. Forget it. Please.”

Piper’s hand carefully snaked into Alex’s hand, but Alex only squeezed it quickly before withdrawing. They found a spot in the sand that was clean, spread their coats and sat in the sun. Alex finally reached out and pulled Piper close. She still felt like she couldn’t look at her, but she leant down and kissed Piper’s cheeks. They were salty and wet.

Why would you do this to yourself, Kid, thought Alex. Riding some old amusement park ride ‘til you throw up.

…

 

A song started playing in one of the booths on the boardwalk behind them.

 _Here I go falling down, down, down,_  
My mind is a blank,  
My head is spinning all around and around ...

Piper lifted her head from Alex’s shoulder. “Is that – ?” she said.

“That’s – Wanda Jackson. _Funnel of Love_ , yeah,” Alex suddenly couldn’t help but smile, “My mom’s favorite song when she hit her retro rockabilly phase.”

“I remember this one time she played it and we were in the midst of –,” Piper giggled, “Doing _that_. And I remember hearing the song playing downstairs and thinking, Uh- _huh_.”

“It’s a good one,” said Alex.

“It’s a vampire of a song.”

“I’m sure my mom knew exactly what we were doing.”

“I’m sure she turned the song up that loud so she wouldn’t have to hear it.”

“Huh, yeah,” guffawed Alex. She was shaking with laughter now and had to lift her glasses to wipe her eyes. Then, as quickly as the song had come, it was gone again. Alex sat quietly and sifted sand through her fingers and Piper sat and watched the waves.

At times they glanced at each other. They smiled knowingly when they did.

 


	8. Chapter 8

On the subway, Alex placed her arm round Piper’s shoulder, lightly stroking her back with her hand. The gesture had come instinctively. It felt familiar to both of them and they quickly exchanged a glance and just a hint of a smile. The subway ride back was partially above ground, and the melancholy afternoon light made them squint and feel protected.

Piper cleared her throat and murmured in Alex’s ear. “You start work Saturday?”

“Mhm.”

“So – would you rather I come up for the weekend or not, or is this visit sort of in exchange for the weekend…”

Alex realized she was grinning sheepishly. “You know, I haven’t even thought about that. Jeez.”

“I’m just trying to figure out what your plans are.”

Alex scratched her neck. “I need to check the bus schedule I guess.”

“You could always stay until Saturday and I’ll drive you to Port Jervis at noon.”

Alex raised her eyebrow. Then she snickered and said, “I haven’t got any clean underwear. I literally came here on a whim, remember?”

“But we’ll get you some,” said Piper, smirking, and she pressed Alex’s arm. They sat chuckling, watching each other. When Alex looked away briefly she saw a gnarly elderly white couple eyeing them approvingly, as though she and Piper were the spitting image of a healthy loving partnership. The thought of them seeing her and Piper as an inevitable old couple suddenly cracked Alex up, but in a genuine way.

“What,” said Piper, laughing along confusedly, watching Alex.   
“Nothing,” said Alex between giggles, “I’ll tell you later.”

“I think we’ve had too much sugar.”

 

They strolled eastwards along Atlantic Avenue. “We could go see a movie at BAM tonight,” said Piper, “or you could call up some of your old friends and go out.”

Alex winced a little.

“Or we could just roll around bed all afternoon and evening,” she said. She looked at Piper and groaned. “God, I can’t believe how boring I’ve become.”

She didn’t even know who her old New York friends were anymore. They didn’t seem real, she barely remembered their names even and mainly she didn’t miss them. “Anyway, it’d really suck having to party in some bar. Remember the parties at my old place?”

“Those were impressive parties,” said Piper. “I was so damn young, it was such a rush…”

“Yeah,” sighed Alex.

“It felt like I’d go crazy with all the excitement. You really should’ve seen yourself, Alex. It felt like I was hanging out with, I don’t know, fucking Ava Gardner and Ernest Hemingway, rolled into one person.”

Alex smiled smugly. “Really,” she said. “A moveable feast, huh. How come you never told me, I would’ve really gotten a huge kick out of that comparison.”

“I don’t know. I mean, you were like this primal sexual being who came and just took over. Everything. I couldn’t focus on anything else. I would have done anything for you, I guess –,” her voice grew quiet “ – I kind of did.”

Alex stopped and squeezed Piper’s hand. They stood looking at each other.

“I’m sorry, Piper. It was pretty fucked up. You were literally just a kid.”

“I wasn’t the only one you took advantage of.”

“I know. But they aren’t here so I might apologize to them, are they. And I did do my time for it, didn’t I.”

The moment had come and gone. Piper sighed, as though she was a little disappointed. Alex pressed her lips together and shifted her glasses. They kept walking. They passed a clothing store they’d used to shop at and Alex stopped. It seemed like a miracle that this brand still existed. She pushed her fists into her pockets.

“Piper? Do you, uhh, mind lending me some –“

Piper laughed. “Hell, I’ll treat you to some new underwear, Al. It’s kind of my obligation as a girlfriend, isn’t it.”

“ _Ex_ -girlfriend,” muttered Alex.

Piper gave Alex that sudden look that made her feel like all noise was turning white and high. It was a sad look, and it hurt. Alex chewed her bottom lip. Then Piper shrugged. “Whatever, I’m going to get you some new clothes, okay.”

“I’ll pay you back.”

“Just keep your honest job, that’s all I ask.”

Alex tried on a series of blue jeans and button-down shirts, but decided on just one of each. The shirt she decided on was dark flannel, and she stared at herself for a long while after trying it on, wondering where she had last had her pocketknife, whether she was a phony for not to having it on her, and whether all of this made her scream _lesbian_ all over the place. Her new jeans were a couple sizes bigger than they used to be, or that was how it felt. Her chest, too, seemed to have grown, and her arms. She didn’t like looking at the wrinkles near her eyes, and the hardness around her mouth. Fucking Ava Gardner, she thought. From her mid-twenties onwards, Alex had been so intensely aware of her own physical attractiveness. It had been like a super power, attained by freak accident, trained and wielded with pleasure. She had grown used to it. But it had started to wear off in prison, and now, she wasn’t sure whether she felt beautiful anymore.

Piper shifted the curtain of the stall and peeked in.

“You okay?” she said. Alex adjusted her glasses.

“Can a girl have some privacy in here?”

Piper turned to leave but Alex grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her into the changing room stall. “Hey,” she said, “something bothering you?”

“Look,” said Piper, “I just was thinking – and honest, I didn’t say that _girlfriend_ thing on purpose, I’m sorry.”

Alex didn’t say anything, but simply drew Piper into an embrace. They held each other for a while. Alex could feel their soft fronts pressing against each other.

“Thanks for standing by me,” she finally said.

“Mhmm,” said Piper.

 

They bought some generic underwear and t-shirts as well. It made them cheerful to have that brown paper bag with them, bundled up, a kind of promise. It wasn’t much further to Piper’s apartment. It was late afternoon, and the apartment was empty.

“Are you hungry at all?” said Piper, looking through the shelves in the kitchen.

Alex laughed, and slid her hand into Piper’s back pocket. “Yes,” she said, huskily. She squeezed Piper’s ass firmly.

“Alex,” whispered Piper. She spun close to her and they kissed, smiling, pushing Alex towards the couch, Piper quickly climbing on top of her. Alex dug her hand into the back of Piper’s jeans, fidgeted briefly with the button and zipper at the front, and was already half way up Piper’s shirt with her mouth and tongue. Hearing Piper sigh and moan drove her crazy, like there was nothing in the world that was left to be done but this, like the world would end at any second and this, only this, existed. It was really all there was to live for.

“We really should go to my room,” whispered Piper.

“Okay,” said Alex. She pulled off Piper’s shirt and slid the bra straps away so she could kiss her shoulders.

“Alex, please.”

Alex pulled away and smirked. “I really like it when you say my name in that begging tone,” she said, her voice hoarse with lust and amusement.

They hurried down the hall to Piper’s bedroom, their underwear feeling wet and uncomfortable as they walked. Piper locked her door behind them and removed Alex’s glasses. Neither said how much they were feeling like horny teenagers now, locking away parents, and fucking in a room approximately the size of a teenager’s bedroom. There was something wrong and awkward to it, but neither could think exactly what.

Piper tugged off Alex’s shirt, exposing her black bra, and, a little later, her breasts, the nipples hard and aching. She closed her hands over Alex’s breasts while straddling her lap, trembling with desperation as Alex teasingly ran the tips of her fingers over the hot, moist opening of her cunt.

Then Alex had pressed inside of her with one swift and almost painful thrust, but she clung to the sensation while Alex grasped her ass and caressed the soft skin of her breasts and hard nipples with her mouth and tongue. Piper let her head roll forward, burying her face in Alex’s hair that smelled so much of _her_ , of her skin, and of wood, and of stale cigarette smoke. She felt for Alex’s breasts, cupping them gently and holding the nipple. It felt like all she would need to come was to touch the heavy swell of those breasts. She could feel Alex’s breath catch as she did. They whimpered in unison.

Alex pressed Piper onto the bed and then climbed down between her legs, grasping the insides of her thighs, kissing her cunt, alternating between soft and firm movements of her tongue, sucking on the lips and clit. There was no more teasing here. They were both moaning, and again and again, Piper let out harsh cries. She ran her fingernails along Alex’s back until it felt sore and open.

 

After Piper had come, Alex climbed up to her and wrapped Piper’s legs around her hips, pressing their fronts together and pinning Piper’s arms to the bed. Piper was still shaking from her orgasm, was still open, and tender, and spent. She freed herself to stroke Alex’s ass with her hand. Her breath felt shallow and caught, vulnerable even.

Alex buried her face in the nape of Piper’s neck, where she could smell sweat and the hint of perfume and soap. My God, she thought, I just want our chests to open up and fall into each other, I want to break your ribs and my ribs and have them come together in one bloody mass. There was sweat trickling down their bellies, and the moisture between their legs was coming together to some kind of primal substance, to some kind of witch’s potion. At that particular thought Alex snickered into Piper’s throat. She shifted between Piper’s legs, and Piper wrapped her legs even more firmly around her hips, as if she wanted to press Alex inside of her.

“What are you laughing about?” she said, her voice hoarse.

“Nothing. I’m just having thoughts like I don’t know. Like I’m high on something.”

They kissed. They were sweaty and sticky all over.

“You hungry?” whispered Piper.

“Nuh-uhh, you?”

“Nope. We can order take-out or something later. After I get you off.”

Piper’s lids fluttered. “Mind holding me like this for a while? I’m exhausted.”

They napped, lying on top of each other, their hands intertwined. Alex woke up in a delicious kind of drowsiness a few minutes later and switched on the bedside lamp. Piper was sleeping peacefully. It was half-dark outside. She rolled aside and watched Piper lie there. Then she kissed Piper’s relaxed shoulder, found her glasses, and pulled on her underpants and t-shirt. The apartment was very quiet, not even the heater was making a sound. Alex had a song stuck inside her head as she walked down the dark hallway to the kitchen. She didn’t know where the song had come from or what it was, but she was muttering it under her breath.

She switched on the light and opened the fridge. Of course there wasn’t any beer. There was milk, though, and cocoa powder in the cupboard. Alex was stirring the mixture in a glass when the apartment door clicked open.

Ella was a lot younger than she had thought she’d be, for no reason at all. She was maybe five years younger than Piper, and shorter. Her skin was completely smooth, peachy even, with charming little moles covering her cheeks. Her hair was short, Jean Seberg-like. It was infuriatingly blue. Alex would have killed to say something out-dated and ridiculous about that blue hair. They stared at each other across the room for a moment, a little like cowboys before a duel. Then Ella lowered her eyes, set down her messenger bag and walked over, right hand outstretched.

“Alex? Nice to meet you.”

Alex clutched the milk container. Then she set it on the counter and shook Ella’s hand.

“Hey.”

Ella’s mouth twisted into a smirk. Her teeth were a little crooked, like Alex’s.

“You’re tall,” she said.

“Yup,” said Alex, “that’s what they say.”

They both nodded their heads up and down. “Well,” said Ella. Alex became very aware of the fact that her hands smelled of Piper, that her entire body smelled of Piper, and that she was only wearing her grey t-shirt and black underpants, and all she could think of was that she had gained weight over the years, that her legs weren’t as perfect as they’d once been, and for some reason that stung. She lowered her shoulders and raised her chin. Ella stepped away, grabbed her bag, they both nodded again and Ella walked off to her room and closed the door.

 

Piper was curled half naked into a fetal position on the bed, reading reports from work on sheets of paper. She wore brown-rimmed glasses now when she read. It looked fucking adorable.

“What a babe, eh?” Alex said loudly into the room. She plopped herself down on the chair at the desk and took a large gulp of chocolate milk. The powder had sunk all the way to the bottom of the glass and turned into muddy chocolate goo, and she had left the spoon in the kitchen. She poked at the goo with her fingers.

Piper looked at her with furrowed eyebrows. “You mean Ella?” she finally said.

“Big improvement from Larry, though, I have to say. That blue hair, mhm.”

Piper rolled her eyes. “Calm down,” she said quietly.

“You know they really don’t have girls like that in prison. The fun, clean, interesting, pretty kind.”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t have plenty of that kind _before_ you went to prison.”

Piper’s voice was calm, the kind of calm that hurt in its tenderness. Alex stared straight ahead. She thought of saying, But did the blue hair ever make you think of me. _I_ had blue hair, remember. She chewed her lip.

“Come here,” came Piper’s voice, quietly.

Gingerly, like a little kid, Alex obeyed. She set her glasses and the chocolate milk on a stack of books and reluctantly climbed into the bed. Her stomach was churning. She pressed her face against Piper’s shoulder blades, and Piper reached back, pulled Alex’s arm over her own body, and grasped her close.

Then she rolled over to face Alex. This time, it was she who pushed her own glasses up over her head. Alex averted her gaze.

“Hey,” said Piper, “when are you going to start listening to what I tell you?”

“Were you two trying to make kids together?”

“ _Make_ kids? Seriously, Alex?”

“You know what I mean? You and her?

“Stop it, Alex.”

“Okay.”

She lowered her head and crushed her face against Piper’s chest. Piper’s arms wrapped around her throat and head. Alex could barely breathe yet refused to move. Eventually they both started giggling. “What are you doing,” said Piper in a high voice, settling her glasses, shifting her papers back up over Alex’s shoulder so she could get back to reading.

“Enjoying the close proximity to your tits,” said Alex.

“What are we going to do about dinner?”

“Order Chinese or Vietnamese take-out. Or cook some pasta.”

“You don’t want to go out?”

Alex shrugged, “I like eating when you’re half-naked.”

“Would you like to go out for a drink with Ella later? You two could actually have a conversation, y’know.”  
Alex groaned loudly into Piper’s chest.

“You know something that worries me,” said Piper.

“No, what.”

“Have you noticed how right now I have all your undivided attention? And in a few days, you’ll have your job, you’ll have your responsibilities, who knows, you might go back to being a workaholic –“

Alex shifted a little so she could look Piper straight in the eye.

“What are you saying?”

Piper was quiet for a moment. “I’m just saying that I enjoy this. I enjoy having you here, in my life.”

“Do you mean the fucking, or the rest of it, too.”

“All of it.”

“Really, because I wasn’t so sure. We don’t really do much but nag at each other. And we both only seem to be enjoying the fucking part. Which is fine, because it’s the only time we’re not actually talking.”

Piper exhaled sharply. She turned away. “I don’t want to have another fight,” she said plainly.

“Then don’t act like all I used to ever do was ignore you. I took you everywhere with me, round the world. We were a team.”

Piper removed her reading glasses and rubbed her eyes. “Fucking roller-coaster,” she muttered. The image shot through Alex, somersaulted, and exploded into rage.

“Fine,” she said. She sat up and pulled on her pants, angrily. “Can I check the bus schedule on your computer?”

“What are you doing?” said Piper.

“Getting out of here, that’s what I’m doing.”

“Alex, it’s seven. You won’t make it to Penn Station ‘till eight or nine. Plus two hours on the train. Will there even be a bus?”

“I don’t know, that’s what I’m trying to find out. I could always hitch a ride.”

“Alex, please.”

“Better than being locked up here, anyway.”

Piper sat up. There was utter disbelief in her eyes. “You can’t go,” she mumbled. Alex threw her hair back over her shoulder, searched for her keys, and headed for the door.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” whispered Piper.

Alex turned to look at her. Her hand was on the knob. She wanted to say something loud and mean, but she didn’t know what it was all about anymore, and felt helpless. She hung her head.

Piper climbed over from the bed. “You really want to leave me?” she whispered, trying to gather the strands of Alex’s hair and tuck them behind her ear. Alex shook her head miserably. She sniffed and clutched at her face. She hadn’t been crying, she realized, thankfully, but her nose was running.

“I need to go on sad people meds, that’s what I need to do,” she muttered. “I don’t want to be this fucking borderline person.”

She felt Piper’s arms come around her, and they both sank onto the bed. They lay there quietly. After a while Ella’s door opened down the hall. They heard her move towards the kitchen, a cupboard opened and closed, then they heard her moving back to her room.

“I need to go talk to her, Al,” Piper whispered, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” said Alex.

She watched Piper get up and go to the door. “Hey Pipes,” she said, “Would you tell her – maybe – ask her whether she’d be up for a drink later?”

A small smile appeared on Piper’s face. Even the blue of her eyes looked pleased.

“Sure, I’ll ask her,” she said.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Alex traced a line with her finger along the wooden counter of the bar. She poked at a set of darts that were strewn in a drawer filled with knick-knacks. There was nothing else to do. Music was playing from speakers behind her but there was no hum of murmuring voices around, no scraping chairs, no clinking glasses; just a ticking quietness. It made sense now why Alex had gotten the job so easily. 4,50 $ an hour, plus tips, yet no customers to speak of. If she was lucky, it would pay just a little over the bus fare.

“It usually picks up after eight or nine-ish,” said Jean, the twenty-five year old bartender.

Alex hadn’t been able to hide her disappointment.

She raised her eyebrows, “you don’t say,” she said.

Her shift ended at nine. There was nothing in it for her. She absent-mindedly rearranged a stack of paper coasters before tossing them back in their spot without even looking. “Fuck,” she muttered. She was ready to start throwing knives.

“I really like your shirt!” said Jean helpfully.

It was the dark green and black flannel shirt Piper had gotten her. Alex had folded the sleeves to expose just a hint of her tattoos.

“Thanks,” muttered Alex, “My post-prison garb wasn’t really going to attract anyone.”

There was just a little too much information in that sentence, as well as in her voice, which had been a little too teasing. Jean laughed out loud; she wouldn’t ask questions, she probably didn’t even believe Alex. It was an old trick: the truth confuses people the most.

Alex smiled mischievously. She felt good. She had awoken to her naked skin against Piper’s naked skin, still so soft and so delicate all over. Unnervingly kind Ella had given her a small bottle of black glittery nail-polish, claiming she never wore it, and then Alex had gotten good black eye-liner, not the shitty kind you get in drug stores, or even worse, her itchy prison bootleg eye-liner. She felt like someone dressing up as her old self, but it was good enough.

“Well it goes with your eyes. And hair,” said Jean, and took off, lighting little candles and setting them on the tables. Her ponytail bounced as she did. Jean had a couple tattoos herself, and strands of pink hair. Alex squinted after her. Was she flirting?

Jean came back over and said, “looks like it’s time to get out your book.”

“My book?”

“When nothing happens around here I read.”

“Oh,” said Alex. Her mouth twitched. “There’s a stack of cards in that drawer,” she said, “we could play poker.”

“A few cards are missing,” Jean replied in a final tone. Already, she seemed to have lost interest in Alex. She pulled a paperback out of her backpack under the counter and climbed onto a barstool.

Alex was supposed to do the same, but instead she propped her elbows on the counter and let her thoughts drift a little. They were sluggish thoughts, though, and only wandered to a certain point before walking backwards.

There was a new text message from Piper on her phone, one of the first text messages her phone had ever received. It said: _So how’s it going?_

To which Alex replied: _SLOW_

To which Piper only replied: Alex.

Alex smirked despite of herself. She let out a loud sigh. Jean, immersed in her book, didn’t budge.

The thickness of boredom was starting to give her a sickening, disheartened feeling. It was not very different from prison. You were kept busy in prison, though. You were never free to make your own decisions. But the dullness, and the boredom … how could a bar even be so boring?

Bars had been some of the primary locations of Alex’s business transactions, excellent for picking up mules, for example. Also, good places to go to just to watch people and wind down. The last time Alex had been to a bar had been Thursday night, with Piper and Ella. Even that hadn’t been so bad.

Ella and Alex had eyed each other uncomfortably at first, over their drinks. Questions had throbbed in Alex’s head and wouldn’t come forward. But then Piper had left to make a phone call and they had started pointing out girls they both thought were hot. Neither had let the conversation drift over to Piper. Alex had really appreciated that. It’d almost felt like having a friend. Ella seemed a little shy and dull, but good at observing people. When they’d gotten home she’d knocked on Piper’s door with that black nail polish and had asked if Alex might like it. That had been awfully nice of her. But the awkwardness had been unnerving all the same and made Alex not want to give a damn. She didn’t like thinking Ella even existed, the same way she had never cared that Larry even existed.

 

The door to the bar suddenly opened, a girl and a boy walked in. Alex glanced at the time on her phone. It was a little after seven. The girl and the boy sidled up to the bar. They glanced around, as though uncomfortable with being the only people there. “Slow day?” said the boy, as though he knew Jean. Jean shrugged and went back to her book. Alex walked over to them and raised her eyebrows. “Can I see some I.D.?” she said. Her voice was raspy from the silence.

The girl and the boy obediently pulled out their driver’s licenses. Those looked all right. The boy was twenty-two. The girl had just barely turned twenty-one a few days ago. They were too conspicuous to be fakes, Alex concluded. “Happy Birthday,” Alex said to the girl as she handed back the license.

“Thanks,” said the girl bashfully, and looked away. She had dimples and shiny straight hair. The boy eyed the girl and Alex curiously

They ordered two bottles of Youngling. “Is the slam still on for tonight,” said the boy.

“Uh-huh,” said Jean from behind the counter.

“Yeah,” echoed Alex. “Starts at eight thirty.” This fucking sucks, she thought. Fucking poetry slam bullshit fuck.

“Is there, uhh, somewhere we can have a smoke here?”

“In the patio,” said Alex, “just make sure it’s cigarettes.”

“Is rolling tobacco okay?”

Alex rolled her eyes at him and brought the beers over.

“Would you like a beer yourself,” said Jean.

“Sure,” said Alex.

“There’s an open wine bottle down here,” said Jean.

“That’s fine as well.”

“You really need to make sure they don’t do any illegal shit in here,” said Jean after the boy and the girl had gone out to the patio. “It usually comes around. Around midnight, people like to light up. The police will show up sometimes. Just make sure you kick people out if they don’t behave. Before the police get here.”

“Got it,” said Alex. She sipped her red wine from a small water glass, the way they did in France at lunch. It was terrible wine. She made a face. “God,” she said.

“I know,” giggled Jean, taking a sip from the bottle. “But losers can’t be choosers, I guess.”

“You’re what, twenty-five?” said Alex, “how can you call yourself a loser?”

Jean shrugged. “Prospects, mostly. Nowhere to go; nothing to buy, no money to buy it with. Taught myself drink mixing when I was in high school. That’s about all I’m good at.”

“It’s a good thing to be good at though,” snickered Alex.

“That’s what they say. What are you good at, Alex.”

“Importing illegal substances,” said Alex. Jean laughed, confusedly. “Oh yeah?” she said. Her face turned serious. Alex retorted with that earnestly look she liked to give people after saying just that. Then she burst out laughing. She walked back to her phone, which she had left on the counter, and sent Piper a text.

_HOWS UR AMAZING LIFE THEN_

How does one disable writing in all caps, she wondered. She could feel Jean watching her, but didn’t glance back. Alex stared at the phone until she got a reply. It gave her a rush to the head. She had forgotten how fucking good it actually felt to get a text message.

_I need at least five secretaries and a manager._

To which Alex replied: _SOUNDS LIKE UR PLANNING AN ORGY_

Bad joke, she thought to herself shortly afterwards.

The boy and the girl returned to the bar. A middle-aged woman had appeared at a table while Alex had been texting, and slowly, the room became half-full. Alex took another order. Two men came to stand at the bar. They were both very large. Alex tapped them some of the house brew.

“Can you handle this, mastermind?” said Jean, “I’d love a smoke.”

Mastermind, thought Alex. It was better than being called Sasquatch, or Stretch.

Finally, a crowd had gathered at the bar. Some middle-aged people wearing caps and bandanas were nervously fingering slips of paper for their turn in the slam. Alex felt a weird pity for them. She tried to not mercilessly despise all wannabes and half-asses, but she did.

“Hey,” said a tall man at her side. He was wearing a black leather jacket and a thick beard, so self-concernedly stylish Alex wanted to give him a good slap. “Is Jean around?” he asked, handing Alex a black cable, “I’m her boyfriend. She forgot to bring her charger.” Alex raised her eyebrows. “She just went out to the patio,” she said.

“Oh, really,” he said. He walked away without a word. Alex put the cable on Jean’s backpack. A grim, disappointed feeling was overcoming her.

She suddenly wished there was some way she could call or text her mother, just to tell her about all the things that had happened in the past days and make sense of them. The thought came out of nowhere, naively, and ardently. It almost made her eyes blurry. She shifted her glasses. Jean appeared on the small stage to announce the slam. Her boyfriend was helping sort through the sound equipment and turn on the mikes. Oh glory, thought Alex, Oh for crying out loud.

The girl with the next shift arrived at eight thirty, just before the slam started. Alex counted her tips. All in all, she’d made 77$ that day. She’d been hoping for a hundred at least. Jean came over to say good-bye and smiled sadly at the pile of cash. “It’s not always like this,” she said. “It gets better, it really does.”

“Here,” said the girl from the next shift whose name Alex hadn’t caught, “have some of the wine.”

She handed Alex a left over bottle of the red wine.

“Thanks,” said Alex, chuckling “now I don’t have to go drown my sorrows in the river.”

 

She was the only person waiting by the bus stop for a long while. It gave her the creeps. She bought a burger and fries from fast food stand, hid the wine bottle in its brown paper wrapper, and sat there, her hoodie pulled up, the wind blowing, the air smelling miraculously of spring. Some kids ran out of a house and banged the door shut behind them, followed by the sound of a car taking off. Alex pulled her phone out of her jacket and stared at Piper’s number on the screen.

She played around with the settings on her phone before blindly beginning to type _It drives me crazy there are still young people in this world –_

Her phone buzzed before she could finish the message. Alex pushed the receiving button.

“Hey Pipes,” she said quietly

“Hey Alex,” came Piper’s voice. She sounded tired. “How was your first day at work?”

“Pretty lame,” said Alex.   
“Are they keeping you, though?”

“I guess,” said Alex, “I’ll be working again tomorrow and Tuesday.”

“Mhmm,” said Piper. She paused for a while.

“So how was your day of extra work?” said Alex, pulling out a fry out of her bag and munching on it.

“Ugh,” said Piper, “We’re getting somewhere. We’re going to a panel in Colorado next week. That was settled today. Wednesday to Friday.”

Alex closed her eyes. Her heart sank. She didn’t know how long she would have to wait to see Piper again, and then once she saw her again, she would eventually have to wait again, and again, and again and she had no control over it.

“That’s really cool, Pipes” she said with a stone in her throat.

“It’s really fucking great,” said Piper, “I know.”

“So you were secretly a Gryffindor, who knew, right.”

“Uhm, no thanks. Ravenclaw all the way. Gryffinclaw, maybe.”

“What the fuck is a Gryffinclaw? You can’t do that.”

They both laughed.

“Anyway, _you’re_ the one who’s got to admit to her Gryffindor side,” said Piper.

“Fuck no. I’m Slytherin prefect. In fact, I’m a fucking Slytherin head girl _and_ Quidditch Captain. It’s a choice, remember.”

The bus had pulled up and was waiting for Alex to get on so she quickly said good-bye. At night the bus drive was shorter, or maybe it was just that she had her memories of the past days with Piper to relish, and a half-warm fast food burger in her hands to munch on. She fell asleep the last ten minutes of the drive.

The slope up to her mother’s street was higher than she’d remembered and took ages. She was sore and out of breath when she walked up to her house and up the steps of the porch. It felt like she had been gone forever. There was her breakfast coffee mug, waiting diligently for her in the nook in the wood by the door.

Her pocketknife was lying on the kitchen counter.

Alex went out to the garage that had no car in it and retrieved her old skateboard from behind a pile of decaying cardboard cartons. For some reason, just like her old shoes, her mother had never thrown it away. Alex tested it in the driveway, quietly so as to not wake the neighbors. It would do to speed up the walk to and from the bus stops. Then she sat down at the kitchen table, poured herself a glass of the terrible red wine and lit a cigarette. She would have to get an Internet router in here so Piper could work when she came up to visit, and Alex would eventually think of a newspaper subscription of some sort so she could keep track of things. So maybe things were moving forward, slowly. The light glowed sweetly in the kitchen. It was past eleven at night, and she was home.


	10. Chapter 10

“So what are you trying to do now, Vause? Break every bone in your body?”

Nicky had seen the skateboard Alex was rolling back and forth in short movements under the table. They were having coffee outside the Burger King in Port Jervis. It was a cloudy but warm Saturday.

“I mean I tried the whole skateboard thing one summer when I was thirteen. Then I broke my collar bone.”

“I just use it to get to the bus and back,” Alex said into her cup. “No tricks.”

“Sure. And you’re not even wearing sneakers.”

Alex wrinkled her nose.

She hadn’t seen Nicky in a long while. At first, there had been visits and phone calls. Then Nicky had started going on long trips across the country, tramping mostly, and eventually she had stayed in Oregon for good. Alex had only been able to get a hold of her by chance – some kind of sad family matter in the city, Nicky had said it was good to get away. She looked so much older. Alex wondered whether she had fallen back into doing drugs.

She put down her cup. “So, Nicky. What’s it like up there wherever you are? Have you got a girlfriend?”

Nicky stretched out her legs. “Damn it, what a question. I have _two_ girlfriends up there. It’s practically a colony. A bit like Litchfield, as in all women, only real nice, right in the middle of the woods.”

“You got kids?”

“One of them does. She’s got two girls. See? Even the kids are female.”

“Jeez,” said Alex.

Nicky shook her head. “It’s pretty good. There are all kinds of women around, too. And there’s no rules about monogamy and stuff like that.”

“Yeah?” Alex giggled, “maybe I should come join you someday.”

“You’ve been out, what, three weeks now? Have you at least _tried_ getting laid?”

Alex swallowed and readjusted her glasses.

“Right,” said Nicky, “I knew there was no stopping you.”

They grinned at each other. Alex took another sip of her coffee.

“As long as it’s not Chapman,” said Nicky.  
Alex made a noise with her throat. Her mouth was full of coffee.

“Cause if it _is_ Chapman, Vause, I swear. There’s no helping you.”

Alex put down her coffee and coughed into her sleeve. She could feel Nicky watching her, so she looked Nicky straight in the eye and raised both her eyebrows.

Nicky pulled back. “Oh fuck,” she said, “you’re such an old sap, aren’t you.”

“A horny old sap,” muttered Alex.

 

They walked to the Mermaid Café sharing a smoke. Nicky had parked her car in the lot there and was planning on going for a walk in the hills. “I really like the sound of that place, Mermaid Café,” said Nicky, “reminds me of that joke, what was it – _there are two things in the world that smell like fish. One of them is fish_.”

“Yeah well,” said Alex, snickering at the joke, “don’t get too excited.”

She unlocked the door and went behind the bar to turn on the lights and check through supplies.

“Eh, it’s not that bad,” said Nicky. “But Vause, I still can’t get over your story. So you and Chapman –“

“Hey,” said Alex, “D’you mind putting this sign in the window for me?”

Nicky lifted the chalkboard sign announcing the weekly poetry slam into the window and then turned back around.

“I’m serious, Vause.”

Alex stopped what she was doing to look at Nicky. “What?” she said.

“Are you being stupid or something?”

“Do I need to call your Mommy to come collect you from day camp?”

“How do you know she’s not going to fuck you over again?”

“I don’t,” Alex said, with a final tone.

There was little patience in her for talk about her emotional life, even with herself. She clicked her tongue and went into the back to dig out the keys for the safe that held the cash box. When she came back Nicky was still looking at her, her mouth open just a little, her eyes half-closed. Alex lifted her glasses and raised her eyebrows as far as they went.

“Okay,” said Nicky, knowing there was nowhere to go from there. “I’m just hoping you’re doing it to make yourself feel good. I know from personal experience that the first weeks out can really suck ass compared to what comes later.”

Alex had settled her glasses back over her nose and was counting change in the cash box. “Mhm,” she said.

“Well, I’m off to the woods,” said Nicky, “wish me luck I don’t pull a Rip Van Winkle.”

Alex chuckled and waved a good-bye.

“Smartass,” she muttered under her breath after Nicky had passed the window towards the parking lot. She retrieved a fresh deck of cards from the drawer and started laying out a game of solitaire. It wasn’t an easy thing, not thinking of Piper. They hadn’t seen each other all week but had spoken on the phone in regular intervals, except when Piper and Ella had gone to Colorado. She had only gotten some in-between texts then, and a call from the airport the night before. Right at that moment, Piper was probably going through some kind of post-briefing of the panel, or whatever it was activists and writers did. She was probably busy at the very least. Alex wasn’t expecting a call.

 

Jean showed up around four, snapping chewing gum the color of her dyed pink streaks.

“Is that your skateboard,” she said, removing her headphones.

“Yeah,” said Alex. She was wiping her glasses with a piece of Kleenex. Even without her glasses she could tell Jean was impressed.

“That’s cool,” said Jean, stuffing her things beneath the counter.

Alex went back to her game of solitaire. The dark-haired queen of spades showed up beneath a blonde queen of diamonds. It reminded Alex of an old deck of cards her mother used to have. Alex remembered having been in love with the queen of spades from that deck. She remembered very clearly the feeling of longing she’d felt when holding that card, not knowing whether she would rather _be_ that queen of spades or just – _that painful dragging feeling she’d felt in her chest and gut_ , she hadn’t known what it was then. She might have been in Kindergarten at the time. Really little.

“What’re you smirking at, Mastermind?” Jean called from the bar. Alex looked up. Jean had been watching her, leaning against the counter. They exchanged a wink. Alex would have liked to tell her, but she didn’t. She would also have liked to talk to Nicky about what was going on with Piper, she thought. Maybe later, with a beer.

“These your cigarettes?” Jean was holding up a packet of Alex’s Marlboros, “can I have one?”

“Sure,” said Alex.

“If you go out to the patio d’you mind picking up any cigarette butts that got stuck in that little drain thing outside?”

“Okay,” said Jean over her shoulder.

 

There were plenty of people around that evening.

“That’s a margarita,” someone was saying to Jean while Alex was busy serving a group of people at the tables. “Excuse me?” Jean called across the noise. “IT’S A MARGARITA,” the person yelled, “I didn’t order a margarita.”

“Oh okay,” said Jean. A little later she walked past Alex who was tapping beer into tall glasses and setting them on a tray. She held up the margarita. “Would you like this? I’ll have to pour it down the drain otherwise. I fucking hate margaritas.”

“Sure, I’ll have it after I finish,” said Alex. She carried the tray to the band of roaring people who had ordered the beers. They were drunk and made bawdy comments. Alex kept her mouth shut, though she knew it twitched sideways a little. Drunken people’s voices were so much louder to a sober person’s ear.

It was almost nine and the girl with the next shift still hadn’t shown up yet. Nicky, back from the woods, was having a soda in a corner, chatting with a small group of strangers. She and Alex made eye contact, “I’ll be with you in a minute,” Alex mouthed and Nicky nodded.

Alex returned to the bar. Jean was leaning her forehead against the back of her hands behind the counter. The back of her neck was shiny with sweat. From underneath the collar of Jean’s moist shirt, Alex could see the tips of a tattoo – a branch, or a tentacle, or something.

“Some of these days,” Jean was whispering, “I swear.”

“Tough crowd tonight,” Alex said, taking a sip from her margarita. She watched the room with one eye. The other was watching Jean, who, looking up at her, muttered, “You don’t really sweat at all do you.”

“I used to work in a more stressful business I guess.”

Jean’s eyes were resting on her. They were calm, dark eyes. Her pupils were dilated, Alex realized.

“I just hate it when they yell at me for something,” Jean continued to mutter, “or tell me how to do my job. Especially the younger kids. Who are they, right.”

“I know. Smarty pants assholes.”

Someone was standing at the bar, so Alex pulled herself away from Jean.

“Can I help you?” she said without looking.

“Isn’t it a little cold out for a margarita?”

It was Piper.

Her mouth was closed to a light smirk and her eyes were tracing Alex’s face.

“Oh my God,” gasped Alex.

She leaned forward and fiercely kissed Piper’s cheek, twice. Piper was wearing her nice grey coat, and she was pretty, so damn pretty.

“You weren’t expecting me, were you,” she said quietly.

“What? Nope, I wasn’t. Nicky’s here, too.”

Alex gestured over towards Nicky, who had already been watching them with furrowed eyebrows.

“Wow,” said Piper, “it’s a real get-together, huh.”

“Why don’t you go sit over there and I’ll get you something and then I’ll finish up and join you.”

“Okay,” said Piper.

“Or wait, here, have my margarita?”

Piper wrinkled her nose and laughed. “I’m driving!” she said.

“It’s _your_ drink!” said Alex. Giddiness was spreading through her. “Jean here can make you another one though.”

Jean had resurfaced and was watching Piper with wandering eyes. Piper took the margarita out of Alex’s hand and smiled meekly. She and Jean nodded at each other but it didn’t occur to Alex to introduce them. As Piper walked away towards Nicky’s table, Jean leaned over and whispered, “Is that your _girlfriend_?”

Alex bit her lip. “Ex-girlfriend,” she said, pulling out her tips to start counting them.

“Holy shit. I’d never’d thought you’d’ve a girlfriend like that,” said Jean.

“Oh, you have no idea,” said Alex.

“What, was she in prison with you, too?”

Alex stopped and looked at Jean.

“Sorry,” said Jean, snickering. “I swear though, my boyfriend and I had this bet going about whether you were straight or gay. I told him he needed to shut up and that you were straight and he said I was just being naïve. So now I owe him ten bucks, huh.”

Alex had raised one of her eyebrows while Jean had been speaking, and now found that she couldn’t really move. “I’m just going to pretend you didn’t just say that,” she said finally, “and you’re going to pretend you don’t know anything. That way, you get to keep your ten bucks. Jeez.”

She joined Piper and Nicky at the table a few minutes later. Jean joined them a while after that. In the end, with Nicky and Piper both bound to their cars, it was only Jean and Alex who had drinks.

 

 

It was a good thing Piper hadn’t had all of the margarita. It was ten-thirty; Alex was tired, and a little drunk, and was half-dozing in the passenger seat. The car drive home, along the river, didn’t take as long as the bus. It was a nice drive as well. A sliver of moon hung low over the river, sparkling in the rapids and currents.

“I’m so glad you came,” Alex muttered under her breath.

“Yeah?” said Piper.

“Yeah,” said Alex.

“You feelin’ okay?”

“Mhm,” said Alex and shifted her glasses a little. “I think I might’ve had a little too much on an empty stomach.”

“Oh yeah,” said Piper.

A few scattered thoughts shot into Alex’s head of the things Nicky had said to her about Piper, and it suddenly seemed very important to voice them, but Alex didn’t know how.

“So how come you came up here?” she said finally.

“Well I was done for the weekend,” said Piper, “and I had a great week, and I wanted to see you, so I figured I’d do what you did last week.”

“Huh,” said Alex, “is everything okay?”

“Yeah!” said Piper, in her bullshit voice.

“Pipes,” said Alex, and chuckled.

“Okay, so I guess I wasn’t counting on seeing Nicky. You know I asked her to join my organization as well but she refused, just like you.”

“Yet you and I still are on speaking terms.”

Piper laughed uncomfortably and shot Alex a quick look.

“Oh right,” said Alex loudly, “ ’cause _you and I_ are fucking.”

“Alex, that’s not – please.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

They drove on in silence.

“So how’s that girl Jean?” Piper said after a while.

“She’s alright.”

“You two were in some intense heart to heart when I came in.”

Alex snorted. “Oh please, she’s a twenty-five-year-old kid and a fucking bartender.”

“ _I_ was a twenty-two-year-old kid and a fucking waitress.”

Alex sighed. “She’s straight, okay.”

“She’s straight,” echoed Piper.

“Look, what are you getting at?”

“Nothing, never mind,” said Piper.

“Okay,” growled Alex.

They drove on in a silent huff. Once, Piper opened her mouth as if to say something, but quickly changed her mind.

“Oh fuck,” muttered Alex all of a sudden and put her hands up to her face.

“What?” said Piper.

“I left my skateboard at the bar.”

Piper glanced at her and smirked. Then they both laughed. “I just need a fucking car,” said Alex, shaking her head.

“You know,” Piper said, clearing her throat, “Ella’s offered to go find herself a new place in case you might want to move in.”

Alex’s breath caught for a moment.

“And live in the city? Pay the rent _and_ all the taxes and shit on my mother’s house? I don’t think so.”

“Just give it a thought, alright.”

They pulled up to the house in the dark. As Piper parked in the driveway, the porch light came on. Alex had installed it so that it was motion-sensitive. “I like having a light come on automatically when I come in at night,” she explained. “There’s wifi, too, in case you need to do work on that phone of yours.”

They were walking up the steps to the porch. Piper stopped mid-step and squeezed Alex’s hand to stop with her. She leaned forward and Alex cupped her cheek with her hand and they kissed, on the porch. Their breath shook as they parted. It had been too long, Alex thought.

 

 

“You want something to eat?” Alex called from the kitchen. Her eyes had grown tired and she had pushed her glasses up over her head.

Piper had gone to sit on the sofa in the dark living room. Alex came in after her. “I haven’t prepared anything but we can order something,” she said, switching on the lamp by the sofa.

Piper looked at her. Her eyes held her troubled, watery gaze.

“Hey,” said Alex.

“I’m just thinking,” said Piper.

“I can see that,” said Alex. She didn’t know whether this was a good sign or a bad sign, or any kind of sign.

“Have you thought about us at all?”

“Mhm,” said Alex, “I guess. I mean, I don’t know. What do _you_ mean?” She slowly slid onto the sofa beside Piper.

“I’m serious,” said Piper, “what is all of this? Do we call it an affair? Is it our weekend romp thing? Are you going to start saving up so we can eventually move in together or something?”

Alex raised her eyebrows. “Look, I’ve already offered you _my_ home,” she said, “I’ve already _got_ a home. I’m kind of waiting for you here.”

“Okay,” said Piper, “but we’ve both agreed that right now it’s kind of out of the question for me to move out here.”

“Yeah, well,” said Alex. She didn’t know what to say. She pushed her glasses back down over her eyes.

“What do you want out of this?” Piper finally said. Alex felt her breath go shallow. There were too many things in her head all of a sudden. She shrugged. Then she lifted her glasses a little and rubbed her eyes. “I used to know,” she said numbly, “I used to have all these – but now I can’t really …” she trailed off, then she quickly added “I’m tired.”

“Forget I asked,” said Piper. “It’s way too soon. I’m sorry. I just realized some things just now that – I’m sorry. Please forget I brought it up.”

“Piper,” said Alex, feeling her breath catch again, her voice scratchy, “please, just go ahead and say what you mean.”

Piper took a deep breath and looked at Alex. Alex looked back at her. Then Alex reached out and took her hand. They were both very tired, and they were both even more tired from longing for each other.

“C’mere,” said Alex, and Piper climbed onto her and straddled her lap. Alex could feel Piper’s eyelashes batting against her throat, and the intake of breath against her collarbone.

“Can you at least commit to me in some way,” Piper murmured, “as in, I don’t know, calling me your girlfriend or something. Introducing me as your girlfriend to your colleagues.”

Alex felt amusement rumbling in her stomach. She almost chuckled. She ran her hands up Piper’s back, massaging the tense muscles there.

“You’re jealous,” she finally said.

Piper raised her head. “Fuck you,” she said. Her voice was more annoyed than angry.

“I’ve really been wanting you to do that ever since we got back, but you insist on talking,” said Alex. She dug her hands into the back of Piper’s jeans and pulled their centers even closer.

“Don’t,” said Piper, pushing Alex’s hands away.

“Why the fuck not,” snarled Alex.

“Because you’re being an asshole.”

Piper had pinned Alex’s hands down to the side of the sofa. “If you want to fuck other people,” she whispered, “at least come clean about it.”

“Okay,” said Alex, going limp.

“Okay?” Piper’s voice was low.

“Okay, so I don’t _know_ if I want to fuck other people. I don’t know what the fuck we’re doing. And I also don’t know what the fuck _you_ want from me in the first place.”

“Oh,” said Piper. She paused for a while and let go of Alex’s arms. “I guess I thought you knew.”

“Yeah,” said Alex, “same.”

The light bulb in the lamp fluttered, startling them, and then suddenly went out. They sat in the dark for a few seconds, not knowing what had happened. Neither was the first to start, but they were back at each other again, Piper frantically unbuttoning Alex’s shirt in the dark, Alex fumbling with the clasp of Piper’s bra, their hands and mouths searching, not really bothering with removing clothes all the way, or torn seams. Piper inhaled shakily when Alex pressed herself inside her a bit too harshly. She moaned and grasped Alex’s head and pulled at her hair until it hurt. Alex bit into Piper’s shoulder in return until Piper cried out. They writhed on the sofa like that, gasping, unbearably unsatisfied, until finally they could only stop and simply hold each other tenderly. It would be better in the morning.

They went upstairs and undressed. Just before they fell asleep holding each other, Alex heard Piper whispering something.

“What is it, kid?” she said sleepily, running her fingers through Piper’s straight blonde hair.

“I just remembered the middle lines of the poem,” said Piper. She swallowed and recited rhythmically:

“ _The soft the supple step and sturdy pace,_  
 _that in the smallest of all circles turns,_  
 _moves like a dance of strength around a core_  
 _in which a mighty will is standing stunned._

…

I don’t remember the rest”  
“Huh,” said Alex. Her voice was raspy with sleep, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Never mind,” said Piper, “I’m just glad I remembered.”

Then she snuggled her face under Alex’s chin. They were asleep not much later.

 


	11. Chapter 11

She untangled herself and stumbled over to the bathroom without looking at Piper. It was a little too early. She pressed some toothpaste onto her toothbrush and stepped into the shower, turning up the water as hot as it would go. Then she stood under the water for what felt like ages, brushing her teeth. She was feeling slightly hung over.

As always in the mornings her mind seemed in its very own state, as though there were no thoughts at all. No matter what she had dreamt, she hadn’t quite left it, was still racing through it like a character in one of those old jump n run games.

She spat the toothpaste onto the floor of the tub and stared at her naked old feet. The toenails were painted black like her fingernails.

The shower curtain rustled. Alex turned around and saw the blurred outline of Piper stepping into the shower. As she came closer Alex could tell that her eyes were hard, reproachful; but also kind of lustful. Alex’s mouth twitched. She couldn’t help it. Piper had stepped close to her moist skin, and the arousal made her grin stupidly despite herself.

“So you just went to my happy place without me?” Piper said quietly. Her voice was scratchy with sleep. She ran her hand up Alex’s back. Their breasts were barely touching. Then Piper dug her fingers into Alex’s hair and drew them into a firm grasp around Alex’s scalp, pulling her slightly sideways so she could get under the hot water as well.

“Ow,” Alex laughed. “So aggressive.”

She leaned forward for a kiss but Piper pulled away.

Fine, thought Alex. She dropped her toothbrush, drew her arms around Piper’s lower back and pulled her so close their fronts and hip bones were pressing against each other. Alex’s nipples hardened painfully. Her hands wandered lower along Piper’s back, massaging the soft white flesh of her ass, and lower even. She could feel Piper opening her legs and lifting one up to steady it on Alex’s thigh. They rubbed against each other under the hot current of water, emitting low moans. When Alex bent forward to kiss Piper’s small perfect breasts and their little nipples, Piper’s fingers suddenly tightened in her hair and pulled her head back against the wall. Slowly, she urged herself between Alex’s legs, stroking her while running her lips along Alex’s throat. It made Alex quake. She could feel Piper’s breasts pressing against her own. She grasped Piper’s ass again and felt Piper’s breath shudder against her collarbone. Then Piper moved into her, parting her lips so suddenly that Alex gasped aloud. Piper released her, then quickly moved into her again, touching that indescribable spot, making Alex cry out again, and again. It was just a little too agonizing. She dug her fingernails into Piper’s back in return. Piper’s mouth and tongue were wandering over Alex’s breasts. Her mouth opened over an achingly hard nipple, her tongue flicking over it repeatedly. Alex dug her hands into Piper’s hair, trying not to scream too loudly at Piper’s hand inside her, fucking her, painfully. Piper wasn’t even letting her kiss her. “I feel like you’re tearing me apart,” Alex gasped once. She tried reaching for Piper’s cunt, but her hand was pushed away. Then she felt Piper dropping to her knees and Piper’s tongue deliciously going at it right at her center. Alex leaned back. She reached for Piper’s hand, which was running over her heaving breast, and came hard, sliding against the wet tiled wall and the hot water, with Piper doing those indescribable things inside her.

Alex gasped for breath. She knew she’d been loud. Piper was gasping as well. They both stood up shakily under the hot current after that, leaning against each other. Their skin felt hypersensitive, trembling at every touch. Piper ran her hands tenderly through Alex’s hair. Alex pulled a towel from a stack off the washing machine and wrapped it around Piper. They didn’t kiss or say good-morning at all.

 

 

Piper was wearing Alex’s grey t-shirt and nothing else. She opened the fridge for a look inside and then, as usual, turned to Alex and wrinkled her nose wordlessly.

“Yeah well I wasn’t expecting guests,” Alex said apologetically. Her loins still had the deep, comfortable, aching feeling from her orgasm against the wall of the shower. She stood slouched against the kitchen table in her underwear and bra, sifting through the mail. Her first Sunday edition of the New York Times had arrived as well. They had turned on the radio and opened the back door. It was sunny out and unusually warm for March. Piper opened a can of coffee and spooned some of it into the filter. There was no milk. Alex watched Piper’s lean back that was turned towards her, and the smooth white skin of her ass, and wondered whether she should apologize for this again. Instead, she grabbed her sweater that had been flung over a chair and pulled out the money she’d made the night before, folded into a tight little pack.

“It’s time to do some grocery shopping!” she said with mock excitement. “Or we could go out for breakfast at the diner on Main Street.”

“That’s a terrible diner,” said Piper.

“It’s not that bad,” said Alex. There was a tone in Piper’s voice she didn’t like but chose to ignore. There were other things on her mind. Piper was busily typing something on her phone.

Alex walked away to get their clothes.

“I was going to the grocery store, anyway,” she said. “I can grab you a deck chair so you can sit outside and read, if you like.”

“Sure,” said Piper.

“So you’re not coming with me?”

“Not unless you want me to.”

“Of course I want you to.”

“Okay then.”

Alex felt a spreading coldness in her stomach. In the car, she pressed Piper’s knee and said, “Hey, that really was something in the shower, huh?” but Piper just smirked at her.

“It’s always something with you, Al,” she said quietly.

Alex chewed on the side of her mouth. They pulled into the parking lot of the strip mall. Piper parked the car.

“We really do need to talk,” Alex finally said. “You were right about that, last night.”

“It’s okay,” said Piper calmly. She leaned aside and kissed Alex’s cheek. “Really,” she said.

She got out of the car without looking at Alex and Alex followed, fists in her pockets. She had to walk swiftly to keep up with Piper. A warm March wind was blowing at them that billowed their hair. “Look,” Alex called, “I was pretty hammered last night, okay? I really do want to talk. I know it’s not easy.”

Piper turned to her and called out, “Okay, it’s okay, we’ll talk.”

Alex nodded. She decided it was best to back off a little. They bought grapefruit, milk, and English Muffins, some eggs, etc.

Alex fetched a package of brownie mix from a shelf and dropped it in the shopping cart. “Y’know I have to work today, …” she muttered, “but I thought you might want to stay till Monday?”

Piper pulled the Brownie mix out of the cart and placed it back on the shelf. “If you want brownies, I can make you some with real ingredients, okay.”

She headed for a package of organic walnuts and another of flower. Alex rolled her eyes a little.

“Real food,” said Piper reproachfully, dropping them in the cart. “Monday’s fine.”

Alex suppressed her smile. It might have made her expression look like a smirk, so she looked down and pushed her glasses up her nose.

As they were waiting in line at the cash register, Alex wordlessly leaned forward and kissed the side of Piper’s head. In return Piper gave her that shy, self-contained look that made Alex’s insides flutter. Maybe they wouldn’t have to talk, Alex thought. Maybe they just understood. She looked away and looked right into the staring eyes of Jessica Wedge who was in line for the next register.

“Oh hey, Jessica,” called Alex, suppressing a chuckle. “How’re the kids.”

 

 

After breakfast they sat on the back porch in thick hooded sweaters. Alex had removed her socks and was enjoying the warm wooden planks with her bare feet. They were finishing off their coffee with milk and sharing slices of a pear Alex had cut with her pocketknife.

This is pretty much it, thought Alex. In an ideal world I would be right here. She wiggled her toes. Piper was leaning her head against the wooden banister. The noon light was falling onto a side of her face, lighting her blonde hair.

“Can I ask you something?” said Piper.

“Go ahead.”

“Where would you want to go. If you still had the means of your old life, I mean. What would you do. Is it still the beach in Cambodia?”

“I think this is real nice,” said Alex. “I was just watching the sun make this little upside down triangle under your eye here.”

“Stop it.”

“I’m not kidding. I mean sure, yeah, I’d like to go paragliding sometime again. Or go for a long hike. And Cambodia, of course. But I’d have to save up for all of that big time.”

“Is there anything you’re…”

“Are you inquiring about my intentions here, Piper?”

“Don’t get mad.”

“I’m not. It’s information you need to know. It’s completely valid.”

Piper reached out and pulled one of Alex’s feet into her lap. She started massaging the toes. They looked at each other. They smiled. Alex took a deep breath.

“I’d really give you that information if I could, honest.” she said finally. “I wish I could give it to you right away but it’s just not here yet.”

“Okay,” said Piper, massaging the sole of Alex’s foot with her thumb.

“Okay?” said Alex.

“Yeah.”

Alex wiggled her heel between Piper’s legs and into her lap. She guffawed as she did.

“Hey,” said Piper. “Stop.”

“So,” said Alex. She slowly withdrew her leg. “What are your intentions, then.”

“My intentions?” said Piper, sounding surprised. She looked into the yard, then back at Alex. “I really did come here to ask whether you would like to work for us you know. The offer still stands.”

Alex raised her eyes. She lowered her chin. “Come on,” she said.

“Seriously, I did.”

“You could’ve written me in prison. Or visited.”

“I know, I could’ve,” Piper’s voice was low, “but I was afraid you wouldn’t reply. Or see me. It was really just on a whim.”

“You drove all the way out here on a whim.”

“More or less.”

“Okay. And the rest of it as well?”

Piper looked Alex in the eye for a long time. “No, of course not,” she said. “I hate it when you say that. You make it sound like – ”

“ – like you are taking advantage of me?” Alex said coldly. She lifted her glasses and pushed them back over her head. She could feel laughter building in her stomach. “Yeah. Well, are you? We’re all such emotionally stunted shits for all I know that it’d actually be kind of okay.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Alex.”

Piper’s temper was flaring up now. She scrambled onto her feet, hissing,

“I can’t even get away from you. Can’t you see that? I’m in love with you, you fucking asshole.”

She walked back into the kitchen and banged the screen door behind her.

“Where’re you going?” Alex shouted after her.

“Getting some milk for my coffee,” Piper shouted back from the kitchen. There was a crash, and then Alex heard Piper muttering curses. A while later Piper returned to the porch.

“I dropped the milk in the sink,” she said under her breath.

They watched the clouds move forward. Eventually the sun disappeared and it got colder; actual March weather. Alex sighed and stood up. She walked over to Piper. They stood there, holding the other’s gaze.

“So what’s the deal here,” said Piper. Her voice was tough, solemn. “Are you going to hold my past choices against me for forever?”

Alex raised her eyebrows. “Honest? I wish I could,” she said.

“You threw me in prison,” said Piper coldly.

“And look, you’re building a career from it,” said Alex. “You’re no picnic, Pipes. Okay? Now come on in, I’m freezing.”

 

 

Piper drove Alex to Port Jervis at three. They kissed good-bye in the parking lot. It was a tender kiss, the kind that is so smooth there seems to be no break between matter and longing or even two people trying to over-bridge the exponentially eternal. They sat quietly in the car for a moment afterwards, not looking at each other. Underneath her parka, Alex was wearing the blue velvet dress Piper had bought her that day in Liberty.

“My God, I feel so raw,” Piper said finally.

“Yeah,” said Alex.

“You look beautiful in that dress,” said Piper. “Hot, too, but you’re always hot, so – “

“Thanks, Babe,” said Alex.

They kissed again and then Alex got out of the car. “I’m going to buy some milk before driving back to the house,” said Piper, “is there anything else you can think of?”

“Avocados maybe?” said Alex.

“Okay,” said Piper, “I’ll think of something. I’ll see you between eight or nine.”

 

Sunday was the hangover crowd day. A group of kids in their early twenties were drinking coffee and beer at one table. One lonely man in a red flannel shirt and beard hung at the bar, scribbling notes. That was about it. Alex in her boredom had gone to the rest room and applied lipstick. Jean was climbing around the stage with equipment that her boyfriend had brought earlier. There was going to be some concert that evening. Alex wrote the sign in chalk. Jean’s boyfriend’s band called themselves _The Sneekers_. It was the stupidest thing Alex had ever heard. She underlined the band name and drew a large white penis underneath. Then she drew little white dots on the testicles.

Jean came over and looked at it over her shoulder. “That’s beautiful,” she said, “They’re going to be so thrilled.”

She put the sign in the window, laughing silently. “I’m leaving it like it is,” she said.

Then she came over to the bar where Alex was sitting on a stool. “You’re looking awful nice tonight,” she said. She pulled out her book and laid it on the counter but didn’t touch it. “So, how’d it go with your ex?” she asked.

Alex raised an eyebrow and smiled smugly without looking up from the stack of cards she was shuffling. “It was alright,” she said finally. “Mind if I go out for a smoke?”

Jean shrugged. “Fine,” she said, “keep your mysteries, Mastermind.”

She went back to her book.

 

Dusk was hanging over the patio. Two of the boys from the table were sitting on the smoker’s bench, their legs outstretched. Alex lit her cigarette by the door. One of the boys looked up at her and leaned his head back. He was smiling.

“Hey,” he said. He was emitting a familiar scent.

Alex walked over to them. She stretched out her hand. They looked at her confusedly, then handed her the joint, as though they were just offering it and she hadn’t even asked. Alex took it, looked at them, then wordlessly dropped it on the ground and stepped on it.

“Aw, what did you have to do that for?” the other boy said.

“Pick that up,” Alex said, “and leave.”

The boys obeyed. They didn’t even look up.

Alex sat down on the empty bench and took a long drag from her cigarette. She watched the smoke drift up and away into the dusky air.

 

When she came back the boys were still at their table. Alex pushed up her glasses and gave them a stare.

“No one’s even here, man,” one of the boys said.

“Look,” said Alex, “it’s Sunday evening and you’re relaxing and this place looks mellow and all. I get that. But I asked you to leave, so now you need to leave.”

“Yeah?” said the other boy, who was shorter, and had smiled at Alex in the patio.

“Or what?”

Alex looked at Jean, who averted her gaze. Alex took a deep breath and walked straight up to the boy. He was shorter than her and she kept walking as though she might run him over. She gave him a light shove with her shoulder and could feel him cower right then and there. “Just get the fuck out, you whiny little shit,” she said quietly.

 

 

“I hated doing that,” Alex said to Jean afterwards. “Those poor kids are just trying to relax and get away from their shitty lives. They’ll go home and get high anyway. They’d do less if they did it out here in public and then stayed on for the concert.”

“Yeah well boo hoo,” said Jean. “You did your job. Rita’d be pissed if we’d let them stay. Also, it was pretty hot the way you did it.”

They exchanged a glance. Jean had a teeny tiny mole under her left eye-lid. The dusty bar air was hanging between them. There was only one customer left, the bearded man in the red shirt. Jean looked at her watch. “I’m uh-going to go look for – “ she muttered something and went to the back. Alex watched her go, and then listlessly stood behind the bar. She wouldn’t follow Jean to the back, she suddenly realized.

The bearded man in the red shirt looked up from his notebook and nodded. Alex picked up Jean’s book. She had guessed it would be something along the lines of _Siddhartha_ or whatever it was hip kids in their twenties were reading, but it was a paperback of selected poems by Rainer Maria Rilke. She opened the book at a dog-ear and read, then flipped forward until she came to:

 

THE PANTHER

_In Jardin des Plantes, Paris_

 

_His gaze against the sweeping of the bars_   
_has grown so weary, it can hold no more._   
_To him, there seem to be a thousand bars_   
_and back behind those thousand bars no world._   
  
_The soft the supple step and sturdy pace,_   
_that in the smallest of all circles turns,_   
_moves like a dance of strength around a core_   
_in which a mighty will is standing stunned._   
  
_Only at times the pupil’s curtain slides_   
_up soundlessly — . An image enters then,_   
_goes through the tensioned stillness of the limbs —_   
_and in the heart ceases to be._

 

She put the book down again when she’d finished the poem. She blinked. Oh, she thought to herself, …

Then she thought of Piper, and her heart suddenly released a familiar ache.

Jean returned from the back, whistling between her teeth. She grabbed the book from the counter, flopped onto an empty chair at a table, and read, half turned away from Alex. The moment had passed for good.

People started arriving for the concert. Around eight, Piper showed up, looking around with her wide-eyed glance that made her look so young. Alex was serving at the bar. Their eyes met, and Alex’s heart leaped to her throat.

“Hey,” said Piper, sliding onto a barstool. Her eyes wandered over Alex in the blue velvet dress that exposed so much of her white chest.

“Hey,” said Alex. She came out from behind the bar, drew Piper close and kissed her long and good. Piper drew her hands up and held the side of Alex’s face. They kissed again, surrounded by the crowded bar around them, the shadows of the people and the noise and music.

“Sorry about the lipstick,” Alex laughed, lightly touching Piper’s lips. “I forgot I was wearing any.”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” whispered Piper. They hugged again.

“So, how’s your Sunday been.”

“Good. I read the paper, and I worked on my article for the Atlantic.”

“The Atlantic, huh?”

“Told you it was crazy.”

A few women came up to the bar and ordered cocktails from Jean.

“Hey, you want something?” Jean called over, “a margarita?”

“I’m driving,” Piper called back, “But thanks!”

“A bottle of Blue Moon, maybe?” said Alex. “We can share.”

“Ugh,” said Piper, grinning, “why not.”

She took the beer from Alex’s hands; the tips of their fingers touched. For a moment, everything that had happened to them that day hung between them, and more – huddling together on a bunk in prison for one stolen moment of comfort, the frantic rush to a gate before barely making a flight to Bali, roof top parties and dinners and waterfalls and conveyor belts and soiled hotel sheets and broken dryers and hot white beaches…

Piper remained seated at the bar, watching Alex.

“You look like you’ve been doing this for ages,” she said after a while, “you look like you run the joint.”

Alex stopped what she’d been doing, seized the beer from her hands and took a gulp.

“That’s a fucking insult,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows, staring at Piper mischievously through her glasses. It made Piper feel weak in the knees. They glanced at each other again, earnestly, almost shyly, as though they had just met and were the only people in the world.

“I love you, you know that?” Alex said suddenly, her voice cracking just a little.

Piper blinked. “Yeah,” she finally said, “Yeah, I know.”


	12. Chapter 12

Alex hastily packed a large sandwich, with guacamole she had made herself, in a brown paper bag. She wrapped the last of Piper’s brownies in a napkin, filled a water bottle, and threw an apple into her backpack. She tucked her skateboard under her arm and answered her phone as she was locking the door.

“Pipes, look, I’m going to be late for my bus,” she said.

“Okay,” said Piper, “just promise me you’ll stay off that skateboard?”

“I can’t, I’m already late!” she tried to suppress the chuckle that was undermining her voice.

“Alex,” said Piper, “if you fall off that thing and break your knee and have surgery – do you even have insurance?”

“So negative, Babe,” Alex laughed, checked the time, and cursed. She hung up on Piper and pushed the phone into her back pocket. Leaving the house like this, on a run for the bus, made her feel like a high-school kid, though she and her mother had been living in a different part of town at the time.

 

Alex would have almost made that bus. Maybe the bus itself had just been a few seconds early. She only got to watch it drive off and disappear around the bend at the far end of the main street.

“Fuck me,” she muttered. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,” she continued, flinging her skateboard at the sidewalk. Then she had to run after it and bring it back. Her eyes stung; she had never been late for work before. The next bus wasn’t going to be for another forty minutes. Should she call her boss, Rita? She decided it would be best to call Jean. They’d exchanged numbers in case of emergencies.

Jean didn’t answer until Alex had called twice.

“What’s going on, Mastermind?”

“Look,” said Alex, “I missed my bus. It fucking sucks, I know. I’ll be like an hour late.”

She could hear Jean’s intake of breath on the line.

“I need you to open up for me.”

Jean didn’t say anything for a while. “I’m sorry!” Alex said loudly.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s alright,” Jean said finally. She sounded a little stoned. “There’s no use crying over it, right?”

“Thanks, kid,” said Alex.

“Ahh,” said Jean, “I like when you call me that.”

“Shut up and wash your face,” said Alex. She hung up, put down her backpack, and sat down on the curb. She had been wanting to ask Rita about a change of shifts so that she could work during the week and then spend the whole weekend with Piper, but working the weekends simply paid best and Alex was glad to have her own money at last. Besides, she liked working with Jean. Jean made the shift somehow more enjoyable than the other bartenders.

Alex folded her arms and pulled down her hat. It had gotten warmer, but it was a grey kind of day with angry gusts of wind. She rolled her skateboard back and forth impatiently. She was too old for this, she thought. It was time to stop all this wallowing in the past and get on with her shit.

A car pulled up and its window came down.

“Hey Alex!” someone said.

Alex looked up and squinted. It was fucking Jessica Wedge. In a pale pink sweatshirt, smiling pathetically.

“Hey Jessica,” she said calmly, “How’s it going.”

“Good! What are you up to?”

“Ah,” said Alex, “late for work. Missed the bus. It fucking sucks. Forty minutes.”

“Haven’t you got a car?” said Jessica.

“Nope,” said Alex.

“But I thought –“ said Jessica.

“That was my girlfriend’s car at the store,” said Alex. She was feeling amused. Saying “my girlfriend” gave her a tickling feeling at the pit of her stomach.

“Right,” said Jessica.

“She lives in the city,” said Alex.

“I see.”

“Yeah.”

“Well, where’re you going?”

“Port Jervis.”

Jessica sat there, chewing her lip. “Well,” she said, “I guess I could take you there if you like.”

Alex raised her eyebrows. “It’s at least a forty minute drive by car.”

“It’s a scenic route,” said Jessica. “Hop in.”

 

Alex texted Jean and then readjusted her glasses in the car.

“I really love the way you wear your make-up,” Jessica said, glancing over at her nervously.

“Thanks,” said Alex.

She hesitated, patted her board, then asked, “What were you doing, out for a drive or something?”

Jessica leaned her face on her arm and kept driving with one hand on the wheel.

“I was thinking about going to the gym. But somehow, I don’t know.”

Jessica shrugged, laughed lightly, and went quiet. Loneliness was seeping out of her, Alex thought; it was giving her the creeps. She wouldn’t be doing this if she weren’t still feeling guilty or something, she thought. All these people, feeling guilty over things. She herself was over guilt, she thought. She’d done her time.

“I’d been meaning to thank you,” Jessica said finally. Alex raised her eyebrows.

“For the beer the other week,” Jessica said.

“Right,” said Alex. “Anytime, y’know.”

“You’ve been setting up your mom’s house, I saw? It’s looking good. It’s good to see someone living in it.”

Alex nodded.

“I’m so sorry about your mom,” Jessica said, shaking her head, “I’d meant to say it last time. She was so young, and such a beautiful woman. We were all jealous of you for having a beautiful mom like that. Such a tragedy.”

Alex grimaced. She felt a burning bitterness rising up in her throat. “Yeah, well,” she began to say, but her voice cracked. She had the urge to say _You’re so full of shit_ but she was in Jessica’s car and Jessica was doing her a huge favor so she swallowed hard. Instead of saying anything, she breathed deeply through her nose and decided to look out the window. They were on the part of the road that went along the river. The water was an icy grey. Alex sighed.

“So are you in touch with any of the others?”

“From school?”

“Yeah.”

Jessica thought for a while. “Megan and Elizabeth both have kids that go to school in the city, Abby moved to Europe –“

“Huh,” said Alex, trying to remember who these people were. She recalled the context of their names as something to do with extreme anxiety and frustration, the same way she recalled Jessica. Thinking about those days made resentment for Jessica rise in her throat; again, she tried to push it away.

“I’ve been trying to get in touch with Donnie Novak,” Alex said in a matter-of-fact tone, “remember him? I’ve tried calling his mother’s old number, but it’s been almost twenty years.”

Jessica turned to look at Alex. There was a kind of hollow, meaningful look in her eyes. Oh fuck no, thought Alex.

“Oh Alex,” Jessica said, “I’m so sorry, I thought you knew.”

Alex looked down at her board. She peeled at the Sonic Youth sticker she had stuck on the grip tape a lifetime ago. Her vision didn’t blur; rather, it felt painfully sharp.

“So how did he go,” she said quietly.

“Lifestyle, mostly,” said Jessica. Alex swallowed. “Ah,” she said finally, and grimaced.

“It happened about five years ago. I think it was a heroin overdose. His mother died not so much later. He was her only child. It was all so sad.”

Alex was glad she hadn’t lifted her glasses while talking to Jessica. She knew they now hid her expression. She patted her skateboard and looked at her black nail polish. Some of it had come off around the cuticle of her little finger. She suddenly felt so alone, so cut off from her entire history. This is it, she thought to herself as she had learned to do when people died, _this is real_.

“We knew you two had been close. His mother even mentioned you. We all thought about contacting you but no one knew how to reach you or where you were...”

“That’s fine,” said Alex. “Honest.”

It was better this way. She imagined hearing the news, five years ago, in prison. She could hardly imagine anything more depressing: the sickening beige, grey, and white and the thought of death. At least now she could take a walk to Donnie’s grave tomorrow. She hadn’t even visited her mom’s grave since she’d gotten out. The mere thought sickened her. She hadn’t even opened the door to her mother’s room.

 

They got into Port Jervis earlier than planned. “Are you okay?” said Jessica.

“Yeah,” said Alex. She pulled out her packet of cigarettes and offered one.

“I better be getting back I guess,” said Jessica.

“Well, thanks for the ride,” said Alex.

“Anytime,” said Jessica. Her eyes were wide and watery. Alex got out of the car quickly so she wouldn’t have to look at her anymore.

“Alex,” Jessica called.

Alex exhaled loudly and glanced at Jessica over her shoulder.

“I’m sorry for what we did to you. In school. I just wanted you to know. I’m sorry. For what it’s worth. I apologize.”

Alex nodded. That amused detached feeling of an odd, possible friendship she had felt on her first night out of prison had now dissolved into revulsion. Realizing she couldn’t speak, she walked away towards the parking lot of the Mermaid Café, not looking back.

 

Jean was leaning against the back door. She was smiling dazedly.

“What are you doing here,” Alex said grimly.

“Guess what,” said Jean sweetly, “I just dropped my keys down the sewer grate. Just before I got your text. I’ve been waiting here for a half hour. I have to pee like I can’t tell you.”

“Fuck,” said Alex.

“Yeah,” giggled Jean. “The one out front on the street. I haven’t fully realized it yet, I guess. I’m screwed.”

She nodded at Jessica Wedge’s beige SUV backing down the street.

“Friend give you a ride?”

“No,” Alex said loudly, unlocking the door.

“What are we going to do about your keys? Maybe we can call someone?”

“You mean my boyfriend? I dumped him yesterday.”

“I meant some people from the sewer,” Alex said. She set Jean to work and found a tool kit in the back of the store. She took it outside and saw Jean staring at her, smirking. They shared a glance until Alex rolled her eyes and skulked away. She was glad to have her mind off of things. She scraped about the little grate with the screwdriver, heard a clinking sound, and suddenly pulled out a bundle of three keys on a metal keychain shaped like a skull. “Hah!” she called out.

Walking back inside she threw they keys at Jean, who caught them at the last minute. “You’re a hero!” Jean cried, “I kind of hate you for this. I’d never thought you’d be the noble type. It’s almost disappointing.”

“Yeah, well,” said Alex, “you wouldn’t have come here early if I hadn’t been late, right. D’you mind if I go have a cigarette now, and a phone call?”

“Nuh-uh,” said Jean.

 

 

In the past, whenever something happened in Alex’s life, whenever she had been distraught or unhappy, whenever she had been excited about anything, she had called her mother. Even after a decade, she still felt the urge to call her. Not being able to hear her voice now was the worst of all feelings. It was like a solid dark wall that came down over her own mind and shut out something. Alex hated the idea of talking to her mother in her thoughts, like in a prayer. It just made her miss her more.

Now Alex sat on the bench in the patio and lit a cigarette. She dialed Piper’s number and leaned her head back, sniffing loudly. She was feeling so weak from missing her mother she almost sobbed when she heard Piper’s voice.

“Hey,” said Piper, “I thought you’d call sooner.”

“Yeah, well, I missed my bus. I hitched a ride with an old school mate.”

There was a pause at the end of the line, as though Piper was assessing something.

“Are you okay,” she said at last.

“Yeah,” said Alex. Her voice cracked. Then she said: “No.”

“Oh Alex,” said Piper.

“I’m sorry,” said Alex. She felt herself choking on another sob, and pressed the back of her hand against her mouth.

“No,” said Piper, “Look, I’ll be down there around seven, okay? I’ll try to make it early. I’ll sit at the bar and you can tell me about it.”

“I hate myself when I’m this way,” said Alex. She tried laughing a little.

“Yeah?” said Piper, “well I’m not going anywhere. That is, I’m coming to you, okay? Just four and a half hours. Okay?”

“Okay. Thanks, Pipes.”

“Have a good shift. I-“ Piper’s voice staggered “- I _love_ you. Okay?”

“Heh,” said Alex. Something in the pit of her stomach flared up with a violent surge of emotion. She bit her lip and grinned. They hung up. Before going back to the bar Alex went to the restroom and checked her make up. She gently rubbed the corners of her eyes with the tips of her fingers. There was no way, no way in hell she was going to let Jean see that she’d been crying.

 

 

Piper arrived just a little before seven. The evening had been going slow. It had started raining around five, which thinned the crowd. Piper walked right into the bar, her face set, her eyes alert. Alex watched her, her mouth twitching. It was almost like she had forgotten what Piper looked like, and now she had to remind herself to breathe. Piper came up to her and they embraced, holding each other close.

“Did you get here okay,” Alex said. Piper’s hair smelled of lemon shampoo and faintly of city. It was a wonderful thing.

“It was just fine. Are you okay?”

“I’m just glad you’re here.”

She kissed Piper’s cheek and let her go.

“Margarita?” she said, smirking. She realized she was feeling giddy again, and weirdly exhilarated.

“Oh go ahead.”

Piper took off her coat and placed it on the bar stool beside her. “Not a big crowd tonight, huh,” she said.

Alex shrugged. Alex fixed her the margarita and set it in front of her. Piper tasted it and made a loud Mhm noise.

“This is good,” she said.   
“I know,” said Alex, “it’s good stuff.”

“You’re seeming mighty chipper.”

“Yeah well, it’s good to see you” she wiped the counter a little with a dishtowel and then wrung the towel around and around her hands. She watched the room. There were no new customers. Everyone was satisfied with what they had. Jean was in the corner again, with another book of poetry. If she had been watching Alex and Piper, she was good at hiding it.

Alex suddenly felt the touch of Piper’s hand on hers. She looked down, and sighed.

“Oh man,” she said, breathing shakily, not looking up, “I just heard a friend of mine died. My best friend in High School, Donnie Novak. Five years ago.”

“Oh Alex,” said Piper.

Alex bit her lip. “It’s not just that,” she said finally. “I mean, yeah, I feel awful. But at the same time it is what it is, right? I don’t know why it’s making me feel _this_ awful. Donnie’s dead, that’s sad, but he’s been dead five years. I didn’t miss him. But now I feel like shit.”

“You have a right to your grief,” said Piper, earnestly.  
This made Alex laugh loudly and let go of Piper’s hand. “Jeezus!” she said, “Where did you pick up that one.”

“What?”

“Never mind. Let’s not talk about this.”

“Alex.”

“I said, Never Mind.”

Piper’s mouth twitched a little like it did when she was affronted. Next came Piper’s glare. Alex dropped the dishtowel on the counter and looked away. People were always asking you for something or other at the bar, but right when you actually needed an interruption, they all stuck to their drinks like satisfied little babies ready to nap.

“What did he die of,” Piper said quietly.

“Hm?”

“Donnie,” Piper said again, “How did he die?”

Alex hesitated. “He killed himself,” she said finally. “He gave up, that’s what it comes down to.”

Piper made an upset face. Don’t you dare get upset on me, Alex thought, don’t you dare do the fucking sad face. But Piper didn’t. Alex almost wished she would. It would be good to start a stormy fight now, she thought. Get her mind off of things.

“Are you mad at him?” Piper said quietly.

“I’m disappointed in him,” Alex said, coldly.

 

 

Hours later, after having slowly lifted each other’s moods, they were heading back to the car, giggling as they went. They shared the last piece of brownie in the windy drizzle of the parking lot.

“This is good,” Piper said, as if genuinely surprised.   
“Pipes!” Alex laughed.

“What, I can like what I bake. And you really need a new oven.”

“Yeah I know,” Alex said with a mock groan, running her tongue along her teeth and folding up the empty napkin to throw it away. They got in the car and kissed in the dark. Piper started it, leaning forward for no reason at all, cupping Alex’s cheek, leaning forward and kissing Alex’s grinning lips. Alex started laughing into the kiss, broke free, and then kissed her again. The kiss lasted longer this time and then went on to little kisses that spread across Piper’s jaw line, throat, and finally collar bone, while strong fingers pulled at the buttons of her collar.

“What are you doing,” Piper giggled in her high voice.

“Trying to sober you up,” said Alex. She reached up into Piper’s sweater and pulled her closer. Her fingers brushed over Piper’s breasts, which already felt very tender under the texture of her shirt. They hadn’t had sex since their quickie Monday morning, before Piper had left for the city. It felt like ages.

“We’re in a parking lot,” she hissed, her voice caught.

“So?” whispered Alex, her voice husky with arousal, “Haven’t we had sex in a parking lot before?”

“Alex,” Piper said, “it’s your work place this time. Stop it.”

“Just calm the fuck down,” Alex giggled, nibbling Piper’s earlobe while playing with the buttons of her jeans.

Piper suddenly jerked her hand away.

“No, I won’t calm the fuck down,” she snarled, “Cut it out!”

Alex immediately withdrew. They sat across from each other, livid.

“Okay,” Alex growled, “What are you so tense about?”

Piper sighed and rubbed her eyes. “Jesus, Al. Maybe I just don’t feel like doing it in the parking lot. There’re people around, like your little flirt of a colleague over there.”

Alex peered out into the drizzling dark and, in the glow of the streetlights, saw the tiny blur of Jean’s purple windbreaker walking off into the distance.

“Jean?” laughed Alex.

“Shut up, I’m not in the mood.”

“I can see that,” said Alex. She was slowly coming down. Her mouth twitched into a smirk. “Look,” she said, “Jean couldn’t even have seen us. We’re in a dark car. We should really give her a ride home, y’know.”

They sat in silence. Piper looked at her with a sulking kind of look. Alex lifted her glasses, leaned forward, and kissed her cheek. “I’m sorry, okay?”

“Okay,” sighed Piper and started the car, “can we go home now.”

“Sure,” said Alex, “we can offer Jean a ride, though.”

“Look at you, all sweet and mother-like,” Piper said with a smirk, “by all means, let’s take care of the urchins.”

 

 

They got ready for bed without fucking. It was still raining. They showered together, gently, and brushed their teeth in silence. Piper flossed carefully, and found Alex sitting alone on the bed in the dark, the light from the bathroom spilling over her fine long legs. They stood looking at each other, quietly. The sound of the rain was comforting and the steam coming from the shower gave the room a sweet, hazy kind of darkness.

“Piper,” Alex said after a while.

“Yeah,” said Piper, throwing away the last string of floss.

“I don’t know what got into me before. It’s been such a shit day. And I really missed you, I guess.”

“You guess?” Piper laughed softly, “thanks, Al.”

“Okay, I missed you. Will you stop that? I really fucking missed you like hell. I missed fucking you and I missed having you around and all the rest of it.”

Piper reached out and ran her hand up Alex’s leg. “Mhm,” she said, “I missed you, too. It’s the best thing about my week. Coming up here is all I look forward to.”

They looked at each other in the dark. Alex couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah?” she said.

“Yeah.”

Piper sighed. She gently climbed forward over Alex’s legs until she lay with her head resting on Alex’s chest, the two of them breathing in unison. Alex removed her glasses and set them on the nightstand. She pressed her face to the side of Piper’s head and breathed in the scent of Piper’s hair. They were quiet for a long while. The large empty house around them creaked in the night.

“Are you thinking about Donnie?” Piper asked in a half whisper.

“Yeah.”

“How did he kill himself?”

Alex sighed so heavily Piper could feel herself rise and fall with her chest.

“That’s kind of all that Donnie was about,” Alex said finally. “ _How_ he did it is really just a formality. If he could have, he would have fucked himself to death. I’m sure he tried.”

She thought of what Jessica had said, how he had died of a heroin overdose, and it gave her a sickening feeling, as though, maybe, if she hadn’t gone to prison, she might have ended like Donnie – but she didn’t really want to think about it. Going to prison was about as rock bottom as it got. She wasn’t like Donnie, she thought; she was a survivor.

“We were so close in high school,” she said all of a sudden. “We were these little fags who came across each other by accident. We did the stupidest shit together.”

She suddenly started chuckling. “Terrible stuff. Y’know I think it might have been Donnie who turned me into a criminal? Only I turned him into a criminal as well. We were under each others influence, like the terrible kids in that French movie.”

“What kind of terrible stuff?”

“Oh, we’d mostly dare each other to do lot of crazy stuff. Embarrassing, traumatic stuff.”

Piper lifted her head so she could look straight at Alex. “Tell me,” she said.

“There’s one particularly awful one but you’re not going to like it.”

“Oh come on.”

“Okay,” said Alex. “So we were each other’s beards for a while, but we didn’t call it that. We were sort of girlfriend-boyfriend or something at school, but mostly we just bummed around and yammered at how badly it sucked that we were the only gay kids around. Nobody wanted to be friends with us, I had crushes on all the girls and I was in fucking pain. So was Donnie, only with the football guys. He was super pretty, Mapplethorpe kind of pretty. Prettier than me for sure.”

Piper rolled her eyes.

“No, much prettier. I was an awkward fuck. Freshman year, I was like a foot taller than he was. Okay, so we got drunk one night and came up with this. Basically I dared Donnie to give a girl head. And in return, I would suck some guy’s –“

Alex was laughing loudly now, mostly at Piper’s horrified expression. She wrapped her arms around Piper and hugged her close.  
“I know I know! This was sophomore year, the height of stupid. I think the idea was that we would then tell each other about it or something. Something like that. Girls were into Donnie because he was so pretty. And, well, we decided to do it on the same dance night. It was awful. We were so freaked out.”

“What happened?”

“We got really drunk. I went off onto the football field with this guy from senior year, but I couldn’t even do it, I gave up right after kissing him. I remember his tongue was like – anyway. I just got up and walked away. I was really drunk and sat out in the cold, waiting for fucking forever, right. But poor Donnie. He comes back from licking this girl’s pussy in the office of some teacher, and-” by now Alex was choking with laughter, “- he comes back, completely wasted, and I remember he says, ‘well, she had the loveliest _gash’_ , and then he just throws up all over the place.”

Piper wrinkled her nose.

“And you know what? I was actually jealous,” said Alex, “I was jealous of him for getting in a girl’s pants. I didn’t get to do that ‘till senior year.”

She sighed and rolled her eyes. “Ugh,” she said.

Piper was still staring at her. “That’s disgusting,” she finally said. “Also, you cheated.”

“I know,” laughed Alex, “Remember the broken toes story, though? That was Donnie’s payback.”

“I do remember that story,” Piper giggled, “I actually remember you calling it your comeuppance.”

“Fucking toes,” said Alex, shaking her head. They went quiet again. Alex held Piper close. She felt their bodies press together, the weight of their flesh, their shallow, sleepy breath. She felt Piper’s slender hands wrap around her shoulders and her lips on her collarbone. Donnie was gone, and she was here. It occurred to her that she was lucky. Her eyes fluttered. She felt Piper’s muscles slacken with sleep.

“Lights out?” she murmured.

“Mhm,” said Piper.

 


	13. Chapter 13

It was eleven o’clock and they were sitting at the kitchen table long after finishing their breakfast. They had turned on the radio. Sunlight was spilling through the window and catching in the water pitcher, the reflection dancing on the walls.

It was very warm in the kitchen from the sunlight. Piper was wearing one of Alex’s grey t-shirts. It was just a little too big on her and she was wearing nothing underneath. Her small breasts poked at the material as she leaned over her laptop, resting her elbow on a sheet of notes. She was wearing the adorable brown-rimmed glasses she used now when she worked. The blonde strands of her hair kept falling in her face and she kept pushing them back, her eyebrows knitted in concentration. Alex, her glasses pushed back into her mane of dark hair, couldn’t help glancing at her from where she was sitting, smirking whenever she did. She herself was dressed in nothing but her underwear, which made her feel like her old self, and she was sifting through her large pile of cash.

She was counting what was left of the money she had made in the past fortnight, dividing it into different piles. One pile, along with a heap of coins, she put in a mason jar, the rest she folded into a small wad and another she placed in a neat little stack for her wallet. Then she retrieved the money from the Mason jar and counted it again. Finally she stopped, crushing the money in her hand and sighing. Outside, the lawn looked wet and happy from the last night’s downpour. The sky was very blue, there was a shimmer on everything from the rain.

“What are you going to do with all that money?” Piper said, looking up from her work.

“Ugh,” scowled Alex, and sighed.

“Is that your piggy-bank?” Piper snickered, pointing at the glass jar.

Alex exhaled loudly in mock annoyance, “it’s my savings, okay? For every shift I do, I put about a third in there.”

“You look like a criminal with all that cash,” said Piper, returning to her work while Alex rolled her eyes, “what are the savings for?”

“A trip somewhere,”

Alex looked Piper in the eye as she pulled her glasses out of her hair and slid them back onto her nose, grinning despite herself.

“A trip?” said Piper in mock disbelief.

“Far away,” said Alex, half closing her eyes in her mischievous voice, “or other adventurous endeavors. I need a car, too. Can I have the laptop for a sec?”

“Mhmm,” said Piper. She pushed her laptop towards Alex and pulled over an article she’d been reading in _The New Yorker_.

They were quiet for a while. Music played on the radio from a live concert happening somewhere far away.

“Fuck,” Alex muttered under her breath. Her eyebrows were raised well over the frame of her glasses.

“What,” Piper said lazily.

“When did this shit get so expensive?”

Piper got up and went behind Alex’s chair to peek over her head. She gently placed her hands on Alex’s naked shoulders, kneading them with her fingertips. “Strap-ons?” she said, glancing at the screen and grinning in surprise, “those’ve always been expensive, Al. When they’re good quality. Anyway, I thought you were looking for a car.”

Alex grimaced. She flipped the laptop shut, pulled off her glasses, and sighed. “Everything’s so far away when fifty bucks are suddenly absolutely indispensable.”

Piper’s fingers were kneading her neck and shoulders.

“Ah,” Alex murmured, “fuck, that’s nice.”

Piper smiled to herself and let her hand wander down Alex’s chest and slide it into her bra, where she carefully clasped the swell of Alex’s breast, rolling her palm over the small hard nipple. Piper closed her eyes for a moment, relishing the feeling of Alex’s skin and the weight of her breast in her hand. Alex let her head drop back and drew a shaky breath. Her eyes were shut. She bit her lower lip. Piper leaned down and kissed her on the lips. They smiled into the kiss.

“C’mere,” Alex said between kisses.

“Mhm, where,” said Piper.

“Lap,” said Alex, pushing herself away from the table, “now.”

Piper climbed onto her lap, the skin of their legs soft and bare. She kissed Alex’s throat and chest, nibbled at the collarbone, all the while tugging urgently at the clasp of Alex’s bra. Alex’s breath went shallow. She grasped Piper’s spread thighs firmly and pushed their centers closer. Piper sighed at the sensation. They could feel the aching shape of their sexes through the thin cotton material of their underwear.

“We don’t really need any extra stuff at the moment, do we,” Alex muttered through her arousal. They shook heads in unison, grinning, and kissed lingeringly.

Then they slowly withdrew from each other. Alex brushed a strand of Piper’s hair away from her forehead and tucked it behind an ear. She was suddenly feeling very tender and sentimental, but meeting Piper’s wondrous, blue-eyed gaze, she couldn’t help a light smirk; it already almost felt like too much sentiment. She clenched her lips together to contain herself. Piper was smiling a little as well.

“What?” Alex said, finally.

“Nothing,” said Piper, “I’m just so glad I’m here.”

“Makes two of us, Kid.”

Alex’s voice was rough. Piper leaned forward and settled her head on Alex’s shoulder. Then she drew back again, as though a thought had just shot into her head.

“So you really threw out the ones we used to have? I still can’t believe you did.”

It took Alex a moment to realize what she meant.

“Yeah well,” said Alex, tugging lightly at the t-shirt Piper was wearing, “I wasn’t exactly expecting to use them again, was I.”

Piper didn’t say anything to that, as if her silence alone was enough disagreement.

“What,” said Alex, “was I supposed to keep them as a souvenir or something?” she chuckled loudly, “did _you_ keep any souvenirs?”

“Only small, hidden things,” said Piper, “you were the invisible woman, remember?”

“Of course, dildos and harnesses are perfect _small, hidden things_. I get it.”

Alex felt her nostrils flaring, and she tried calming her breath. There was something burning in her throat, she swallowed, and then she decided to go on with it. She shifted Piper in her lap and looked her in the eye.

“Well, I happened to be going through a terrible time in those days, as you might remember. So one evening, I purged the entire Manhattan bedroom, in case you’re interested. First I put all our,” she rolled her eyes, “all our, y’know, _toys_ in a large plastic bag, and when I couldn’t bring myself to burn them, I threw them in the East River. I remember walking for hours in the night with that big black plastic bag. Like a fucking dead body or something. When I finally threw it in the river, there was this big thing that had been there a second ago and next was no longer there. I remember the bag was black and the water was black. And all those glittery purple objects inside it like this cursed fantasy treasure. And your cute little silk shorts. Everything just gone.”

Alex hesitated. She thought of telling Piper about how she had found those little silk shorts in the dirty laundry. She had kept them for a while; she had never washed them. Alex half wished she wasn’t the kind of person who had done that sort of thing. Now Piper reached out and brushed a strand of hair out of Alex’s face.

“Did it make you feel any better?”

Alex guffawed.

“No. Not a bit. I remember feeling stupid because I’d expected I would.”

“You know,” said Piper, “I’m almost jealous of how you got to do all that.”

“Jealous,” Alex almost cried out, “that’s a little rich, huh.”

“Alex,” Piper said, “please don’t.”

“Okay,” said Alex. “Go on.”

“I mean in the sense of externalizing it. You got to do the usual break up stuff, like throwing things away and … all that. In my family, we never talked about things. Even my best friend and I hardly talked about these things. All she did was roll her eyes and say ‘I told you so’, which, by the way, fucking stings. When you have all these fucking hopes and dreams and stuff for this one person and they just black out disappoint you so much you have to walk out on them or else.”

She was looking Alex straight in the eye as she said it, as if to make sure it was sinking in. Then she looked away again. “Anyway. There was no one I had to talk to. I had to put everything I felt in deep freeze. It festered.”

“Well isn’t it grand that you _had_ a family, at least.”

Piper looked at her as though she had been slapped, and Alex instantly stopped talking.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

“You really brought it upon yourself,” Piper said bitterly, “you’re just a hypocrite.”

“Oh,” Alex said loudly, “ _now_ you got me.”

She reached up and wiped her eyes. They were moist. Where had she put her glasses? She and Piper sat there, not moving, Piper on her lap, holding on to her shoulders.

“Well, is this the part where we hate fuck?” said Alex sarcastically. She sniffed. She could feel Piper chuckle. Alex’s legs had practically fallen asleep, but she pulled her arm close around Piper’s waist in the most comforting way she could think of. Piper’s head sank back into Alex’s naked shoulder. They sat there for a long while until the concert on the radio stopped playing and they were ready to get up and go upstairs to finish what they had started.

 

Before Piper drove Alex to Port Jervis, they decided to go for a walk. They drove out past the town and parked the car by the bridge. Then she walked down to the river, holding hands. They were quiet. It felt like the first most beautiful day of the year. Leaves were starting to bud on the bare branches. Piper caught Alex glancing up-river, where she knew the old town cemetery lay. She looked over at her, holding her hand up to shield it against the sunlight. “Would you like to go?” she said.

Alex looked down and shook her head. They walked on.

“Hey,” Piper said after a while, “D’you know what you’re going to do about Easter?”

Alex looked over at her with raised eyebrows. “Who, me?” she chuckled.

“Ella and I had been thinking of throwing a party or something. Cal and his family, Polly and her family – ”

Alex smirked visibly.

“Ella’s sister – ”

“What, she has a sister?” Alex said in mock surprise, “did she come with cute teeth and blue hair as well?”

“Shut up, Al.”

“Okay. What about your mom and dad?”

Piper rolled her eyes. “I can’t deal with them.”

“I see. Can anyone?”

“Not really. Cal tried by moving away. They sort of decided for themselves not to talk to me once I started officially seeing a woman. It’s sort of been like that ever since. Even after Ella and I broke up. It got pretty rough for a while. Long story. Guess I’m still pissed off, actually.”

“Fuck,” said Alex after a while. “Shit, Pipes, I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Oh you know what? Good fucking riddance, right.”

Alex chuckled. “Yeah, I guess.”

With a pang of guilt she realized she hadn’t really asked Piper much at all about her own life. She’d been too obsessed dealing with her own, too busy not even wanting to care about what Piper had gone through after her release from prison. Piper’s whole world had turned upside down and she hadn’t even bothered to ask. Maybe a part of her still resented Piper so fiercely that her mind simply couldn’t bring itself to even wonder about it. Alex suddenly hoped Piper couldn’t tell. She chewed the inside of her mouth guiltily, wondering what she could say.

“Those were some messed up priorities. Prison wasn’t as bad as living with a woman,” Piper said quietly, half to herself. She shook her head and turned to Alex. They both smirked at each other, knowingly. Then Piper moved closer towards Alex and Alex wrapped her arms around her, pulling her close. She crushed Piper’s small frame against her chest.

“Ugh,” Piper said against her cheek, “what do you say, hm? Would you like to do something like that? It wouldn’t be a big deal. You would just have to take the weekend off.”

“Sure,” said Alex, kissing her lightly on the lips, “Sure, I’ll see what I can do.”

They held each other for a while longer.

“Will you go to the cemetery with me?” Alex said quietly, stroking Piper’s hair.

Piper didn’t move; “of course,” she said.


	14. Chapter 14

“You don’t have a car, do you?”

Jean and Alex were leaning against the red brick wall of the Mermaid Café, watching the empty street. It was Jean’s weekday afternoon shift, and Alex had stopped by while waiting for her train to the city. They were squinting in the spring light.

“Hey, it’s getting nice out here,” said Alex, “we should put out some chairs and tables so people can sit outside.”

Jean rolled her eyes. “Okay, Chief,” she said, “go fill out the paper work. Why don’t you start a gallery here while you’re at it.”

Alex shrugged. She waited for a bit. “No, I don’t have a car,” she finally said, “I fucking can’t afford one. I couldn’t even afford the insurance.”

Jean nodded. “My boyfriend took our truck,” she said. “I forgot it was his, I was so used to it. Now it’s like I lost my legs.”

Alex exhaled cigarette smoke quickly and wrinkled her eyebrows.

“Get a bike,” she said sharply. They frowned at each other.

“Oh, I could always just steal a car, right?” Jean said. Her tone was sarcastic, but her eyes looked miserable.

“It’d be a lot easier to steal a bike,” said Alex.

“That’s it! We could steal lots of bikes and paint them, then open a bike rental place right here at the café,” said Jean.

Alex straightened her back and raised her chin.

“That sounds an awful lot like oily hands,” she said, “ugh.”

“What?” said Jean, “don’t like getting your hands dirty?”

Alex raised her eyebrows and chuckled.

“I see,” said Jean, “you’re all about getting _other people’s hands dirty_ , aren’t you.”

They were quiet for a while. Alex took another drag from her cigarette.

“Yeah, well,” she finally said, “those were different times.”

She didn’t feel like pushing it any further, and checked her phone for the time. A text from Piper was waiting in her inbox, asking about some kind of time related thing. Jean was saying something while Alex typed a reply. “What?” Alex said.

“What’s prison like?” Jean repeated.

Alex returned her phone to her pocket. She looked around, smirked, lifted her glasses and took them off. She turned to Jean.

“It fucking sucks,” she said. She looked Jean right in the eye, shook her head, replaced the glasses onto her nose, and pulled the strap of her duffel bag over her shoulder. Jean had looked much too smug.

“See you on Friday,” Alex said over her shoulder.

“Whatever, Mastermind,” Jean called after her, “have a good week!”

 

Alex got on the train in a foul mood. She threw her bag in the luggage rack and unrolled her earplugs from an old mp3 player she’d dug up in some drawer of the house. She’d filled it with music from Piper’s laptop. It was really time to get her own laptop, she thought, so she could have her own music. For a while she listened to the _This American Life_ podcast until it turned into a story about death and dying, and then she turned it off and put the player in her pocket, feeling a little sick.

She’d been to the cemetery twice since Saturday, first with Piper, and then by herself. Both times had felt like she was trying to make something special out of it when it wasn’t – it was just a grave, a traditional burial spot in this western world, like many other’s; it was a grey marble slab that said her mother’s name and birth date, the death date seeming so much more familiar, so absurdly recent and detached. That night, Piper had held Alex tightly against her naked chest while Alex had cried. She had cried for a long time with shaky, heavy sobs. She had never known anything like it. A couple of times, she hadn’t been able to breathe anymore and had gotten up to blow her nose. She’d felt entirely empty afterwards, and exhausted, but the sorrow still clung to her as though she were pregnant with it.

Alex went again Monday afternoon, all alone this time. But it was still just a grave and the cathartic moment had gone and it just was at it was. She didn’t even cry afterwards.

In the car the day before, Piper had asked for the last moment Alex had had with her mother, and Alex had given some reply of something that had come to mind: the last time she’d been home, going bowling together, an affectionate banter over something. She wasn’t even sure whether that even was a real memory.

Something she remembered now, on the train, was the last time she’d spoken to her mother. The last phone call had been just a few hours before her mother had died, at three in the morning Paris time. It had been their first call in a few days. Alex had stayed up late and had, knowing her mother would still be up, given her a call from the balcony. Piper had already been sleeping in the other room, cold and distant that night, even in her sleep.

“Honey, you’re up late again,” her mother had said.

“Yeah well,” Alex had sighed, “work’s been really awful this week. I think I’m losing my grip. I don’t know.”

“Are you drunk?”

“No, I’m not drunk,” Alex had leaned back into the apartment to check whether Piper was still asleep, and returned to the balcony. The two of them hadn’t spoken that night, they hadn’t even looked at each other for that matter, but Alex had seen Piper packing out of the corner of her eye. It hadn’t seemed like a farce anymore. Something had finally broken, leaving her insides frozen; it was clearly over. Out on the balcony, Alex had been holding Piper’s passport. What if I just throw it out onto the street, she’d thought, out onto fucking _Rue des Archives_ –

“Piper’s leaving me,” it had been the first time she’d said it out loud. Something awful had trembled in her voice. Alex remembered leaning onto that wrought iron balcony, watching a few people lingering in the sidewalk cafés of the Marais as the music, the clinking glasses, and the orange lights faded into the darkening night. It could’ve been a very romantic evening. They’d missed out on that, too.

Her mother had paused. “Alex, what have you been doing.”

“Fuck if I know, right.”

“Well, don’t _let_ her leave!”

“I think it’s too late for that, Mom.”

“Oh Alex, Baby. How did this happen?”

“Uff,” Alex had said, biting her lip and squeezing her eyes shut, “she’s just had enough of me I guess.”

“I don’t believe you,” her mother had gotten into her rant mode, the one that couldn’t be stopped, with Alex sulking quietly, “That girl worshipped you and you know it. Seriously, did _you_ fuck this up? Were you being an asshole again? You gotta cut out that asshole attitude you got sometimes. Ask her what she wants. Do what she says for a change. You always act like you gotta have your way. That’s what comes from being raised as an only child.”

“Oh wow, thanks, Mom. It’s not all up to me, okay. My business – ”

“Business shmizzness. You’d be surprised what that will of yours can do. Stop behaving like a brat and work it out, alright? And call me tomorrow and let me know how it works out.”

“Okay, Mom.”

“If worse comes to worst, put me on the line. Okay, Honey? I’ll talk some sense into her pretty head.”

Alex remembered laughing a little at that. She’d sniffed loudly, and sighed, feeling grateful.

“Fuck no,” she’d said, fingering Piper’s passport, flipping it open and running her finger over Piper’s smiling picture, “but thanks anyway.”

Even now, Alex could still remember that passport photograph. Piper had been just about sixteen in it, and her wispy little grin and Bambi eyes had made Alex’s insides melt.

She had already been thinking about other things when she and her mother had said their last _goodnights_ and _iloveyous_. There’d been no way of knowing it’d be their last time talking of course. That was the bitterest part of it all. The conversation had left Alex feeling painfully hopeful, like everything was going to be alright, she just had to keep Piper from boarding that fucking plane.

Of course it didn’t go the way she’d wanted it to go. Again and again, it hadn’t gone the way she’d wanted it to go.

 

Piper was waiting at the Hudson News stand at Penn Station, her arms folded across her chest. From far away Alex noticed how there was something tough about her; something solid and authentic, fierce even. It made Alex feel a surge of pride for her. Then Piper’s face softened at the sight of Alex. Alex stopped in front of her and dropped her duffel bag. She could feel herself grinning stupidly, her breath leaving her lungs in excitement. “Hey,” Alex said. Their eyes locked.

“Hey,” Piper said. She reached out and kissed Alex firmly on the lips. It was almost dramatic.

“Hey,” Alex snickered, “it’s only been like twenty four hours, right?”

“Uhm,” said Piper, “it’s actually been more than that, but I’m just going to ignore how you apparently don’t care about me as much as I care about you.”

They decided to walk a couple blocks before taking the subway. It was such a beautiful spring day. Their hands wandered towards each other.

“Are we having dinner tonight?” Alex asked.

“Yes,” said Piper with a smirk, “but we’re going home _first_.”

“Mhm, good thinking,” Alex snaked her hand round Piper’s hip and pulled her closer, letting her fingers wander up under the material of her shirt and caress the skin of her back around the hem of her pants. “Hey,” Piper whispered. Alex tickled her side before sliding her hand into Piper’s.

“I can’t believe how normal this feels,” Piper said all of a sudden.

“Yeah?” said Alex.

“Walking with you like this, here, it’s like what it used to be and it’s also different but it feels like what it’s _supposed_ to be. It feels good.”

Alex smiled and looked away. “We really should get a place for the two of us,” she said all of a sudden. “Our own place. Not, y’know, _your and Ella’s_ place. And we should get it in Manhattan. Some place we’ve always wanted to live. And then just drive out to the Catskills on the weekends.”

Piper pressed a hand into the back pocket of Alex’s jeans and snickered. “How?” she said quietly.

“I know, right,” Alex said, rolling her eyes, “honest money’s so hard to come by.”

They walked in silence for a while. Alex was chewing on her lower lip. She thought of some of the people she used to hang out with, clients, people who never were indicted but might have good real estate contacts. There had to be some way she could reach someone without arousing too much suspicion. She shifted her duffel bag so she could drape her arm around Piper’s shoulder. Piper had been watching her.

“Alex,” Piper said, reaching for her hand, “you’re not thinking of –“

“What? Fuck no!”

“Okay,” said Piper, but she looked worried, and Alex suddenly felt concerned about herself, as though her thoughts maybe weren’t really her own thoughts.

“I’m just sick of not having what we want, y’know? We’re human beings, we only live once, we should have the life we’re supposed to have.”

“It doesn’t exactly work like that, Al.”

“Oh wow, thanks.”

Her voice came out a bit too sharply.

“What’s the matter with you?” Piper said loudly.

“Nothing,” Alex said quickly.

“Can you tell me how the meeting with the parole officer went?”

“It was a little tense. I keep feeling like she thinks I’m up to something, and that makes me wonder whether I actually am up to something, which I’m not. It makes me feel like I’m going a little crazy or something.”

“But you’re not up to anything, right?”

“Quit it, Pipes.”

They walked on in silence. The city wasn’t as bright as it had felt before. They walked down the stairs to the subway to catch the A-line. Alex’s temper was glowering in her chest and yet, when Piper took her hand as they got onto the subway, all the parts in the depths of her twitched with longing.

I wouldn’t be able to do anything illegal if I wanted to, she thought. I might just as well become a stockbroker. The thought made her smirk.

“What are you smirking about,” said Piper.

“Nothing,” said Alex. She stared straight ahead of herself and tried not to think about how nice it would be to have the things she wanted. Just a few of them: the apartment, the job, the car, a trip now and then, and her mother’s house. And she wanted Piper, always, whenever. For a while she didn’t realize that Piper was squeezing her hand.

“Alex,” Piper finally said, “can you please talk to me?”

“Sorry,” said Alex. She pushed her glasses back up her nose. She couldn’t look at Piper, who, she noticed, was trying to hold eye contact with her.

“I’m just tired. Guess I didn’t sleep so well last night.”

She caught herself quickly glancing at Piper. It was hard to tell whether Piper was hurt, or confused, or both. When Alex remembered what she’d been thinking about on the train it only made her want to hurt Piper more.

“Hey d’you think we could go have a drink maybe?”

“What, now?” Piper said. “Before we go home?”

Now Alex had done it. From the glare in her blue eyes, Piper was hurt and even more confused.

“Yeah, before we go home, before we have sex, yeah, all of that,” Alex said coldly and quietly.

“Fine,” Piper said, “how about _you_ go have a drink. I can go home and get some work done.”

Alex raised her eyebrows. “Fine,” she said, mimicking Piper’s tone. Her body screamed with need for Piper, but she pulled back. “I’ll call you later, okay, Babe?” she smiled mildly. Looking Piper in the eye was nearly impossible, but she did it.

“Why are you doing this?” Piper said suddenly, holding her gaze, “why are you trying to sabotage everything?”

The Fulton street station came and went. Alex couldn’t move. She exhaled loudly. “I’ve been thinking of my mom, I guess – ” she blinked, her eyes were watering, “I guess,” she continued, “I guess I’m still pissed off, that’s all. About so many things. And I know I need to stop it and get over my shit but I just fucking hate you so much sometimes.”

“I hate you, too.”

They both laughed out loud at this. Their eyes and noses had filled with liquid. They were both crying, but also laughing, on the subway. It was hard to breathe. “Fuck,” Alex said, removing her glasses and wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

“Mhm,” said Piper, half-sobbing, half trying to catch her breath. “I meant – I’ve hated you. In the past. I know what it feels like.”

Tears were swelling in her eyes and spilling onto her cheeks. She shook her head. The subway pulled into their stop.

 

Alex washed her face in the kitchen sink and dried it with a dishtowel. Hesitating, she ran her fingers along her eyelid to make sure her eyeliner was in place.

She found Piper sitting cross-legged on her bed, staring at the window. Her face was completely calm, the way it had been that day in Paris. Alex closed the bedroom door with a soft click.

“So,” said Piper, turning to face Alex, “is this where we end it? Have our break-up sex and separate?”

When Alex didn’t say anything she continued, “I really thought we could do this.”

“Me too,” said Alex. She set down her glass of water on the nightstand and came to sit with Piper. They reached out and held hands. It reminded them a little of the way they had come to each other’s bunks in prison, chastely sitting far apart, holding hands, never being close enough.

Alex took a deep breath. “I can’t do it,” she finally said.

“Can’t do what?”  
“Can’t break up with you. I might hate you a lot but I’m also fucking in love with you. I’m in love with you and I love you and I want to be with you.”

She paused, leaned back and drew a deep breath, “See, here’s what I think: I know you make me want to be a good person. And I know I make you … well, I think I make you happy, right. And if you agree with me about that, that I make you happy, just me, this impoverished, unglamorous me, then I want us to stay together. I want to be good for you, okay. And yeah, it’s a mess. It’ll probably always be a mess -”

She couldn’t finish. Piper was kissing her the way she sometimes did in urgent moments, with an open mouth, when it felt like there was nothing left in the world but them, their need, and their clashing bodies, ridded of anything that had been there before.

“I love you,” Piper muttered against her throat, “I love you, I love you.”

She climbed onto Alex like a clawing, hungry thing. Alex pulled and tugged at Piper’s pants until they came off, though not all the way on one leg, so that Piper had to kick and thrash to free herself. Then Alex sidled down, on her back, grasped Piper’s smooth white ass in her hands, and motioned for her to come forward. She pressed her face between Piper’s legs, reaching out, pulling her down onto her, trembling and moist. She closed her eyes and kissed her, deeply, deliciously. From above she could hear Piper’s sharp gasp, and eventually, her moans.

They lay stretched out side by side afterwards, enjoying each other’s nakedness. Piper draped one leg over Alex’s; Alex took Piper’s hand and kissed her palm. It was getting late. They had dinner reservations somewhere, but they would have to call and postpone for another hour. Alex was suddenly craving chocolate milk.

“Want something from the kitchen?” she murmured. Her voice had that raspiness it sometimes got from too much sex.

“What, you’re planning on going somewhere?” Piper whispered.

Alex chuckled. “Yeah,” she said. She tucked a wisp of Piper’s hair behind her ear. “Chocolate milk,” she said.

“Mhm,” Piper laughed.

“No?”

“No, I’m pretty good like this.”

“Like this? Just here, just like this?”

“Yeah,” said Piper half closing her eyes, reaching out and pulling Alex closer, “just here, just this, just the way it is.”


	15. Chapter 15

Alex slung the old duffle bag over her shoulder and pulled the last of the brown boxes filled with books and records out of the back seat. It had started raining while she’d been driving – a heavy, blotchy, fall rain – and the windows had misted over. Absent-mindedly, her books balanced on her hip, Alex drew a large heart on the inside of the car door before slamming it shut.

What was comforting about Piper’s apartment was that it was always so clean. A faucet might be dripping in the kitchen sink, but there were no dishes to be washed. The living room smelled of soap and coffee. Even the small table and sofa seemed to be standing there with a purpose, emanating comfort.  
Alex stacked the box she was carrying on top of the other boxes, pulled off her wet grey hoodie, and shook the rain out of her hair. She pushed the duffel bag in direction of the bedroom and started removing her books and records onto the small table by the sofa, setting them in neat piles. On some, she wiped the drops of water off with her hand. Outside, the rain went on drumming dramatically, the kind of rain you only see a few times a year, if not in the movies. Alex slipped a record out of its case and placed it on the cheap plastic record player she and Piper had gotten themselves as a kind of housewarming present, though the apartment wasn’t new, and there hadn’t really been any moving. It was just their apartment now; that was all.  
Alex nodded her head to the song. It was an old one, a real good one – the kind one can’t help but sing along to. A feeling of ease and content was sliding through her body.  
Some space had been cleared on the bookshelf. Alex lifted her books, one stack at a time, and placed them in the empty spaces. She had only brought the utmost necessary of her favorites and their titles caught her eye now, filling her with pleasure. She folded the cardboard boxes and put them under the sink, pulled a battered copy of Charles Bukowski back off the shelf, and flopped down onto the couch with it.

When Piper opened the door later that evening, she stopped in the doorframe for a moment, key in lock, just watching Alex with her book couch, wrapped in a blanket, album covers scattered on the table. Another record was playing. Alex cleared her throat and shifted her glasses. She could barely contain her smile.  
“What?” she said.  
“Tom Waits, huh?”  
They watched each other, lips pursed to keep them from grinning too cheesily.  
As Piper went to the kitchen counter to unpack the groceries, the song skipped. Alex pushed herself up from the couch and went over to Piper.  
“Well I got here at eight and I’ll be here ‘till two,” she muttered along with the song and ran her hands over Piper’s hips from behind.  
“Hey,” Piper said. She turned quickly and gave Alex a shy, breathless smile. It bloated Alex’s heart, and she buried her face in Piper’s hair.  
“This feels like –,” said Piper, leaning into Alex, “y’know what this feels like?”  
“Whatsit feel like?” Alex pulled Piper around so that they could look at each other’s face. Piper lifted her arm up around Alex’s shoulders. They were starting to slow dance.  
“I’m your late night evening prostitute?” Alex whispered against her hair, chuckling as she did.  
“Honey, you got the wrong song.”  
They giggled into their kiss, their mouths shaking as they closed over each other, their teeth clashing lightly as they bobbed up and down to the music. The rain was still coming down outside. The kitchen was hardly big enough to dance in, and they bumped into the table.  
“Well?”  
“Doesn’t it feel a little like a honeymoon to you?” Piper was smirking as she said it, as though embarrassed by what she had just said.  
Alex pulled back with a laugh, her eyebrows raised. “We’re just missing a sunset beach, a poolside hotel and the sparkling wine, don’t you think?”  
“Shut up, we’ve got Tom Waits.”  
They pulled close again. Alex kissed the side of Piper’s neck.  
“It does,” she muttered, fighting her smile, “it does kind of feel like a honeymoon, doesn’t it.”  
She chuckled again. “I thank my lucky stars, Pipes.”  
“My brother played Tom Waits at his wedding,” Piper said quietly into Alex’s shoulder, “that was a great wedding they had.”  
“Well,” said Alex, “We’ve got our tiny Bedstuy apartment, and a gigantic old Victorian house for the weekend that eats a monthly thousand dollars in taxes, and I’ve just barely got a job, but we’ve got my mom’s record collection, and great stories to tell, and most importantly we’ve got each other, right?”  
She had pulled back and watched Piper nod, Piper’s little nose wrinkling the way it did before she laughed. It made Alex’s insides throb with love. She whistled to the next song on the record and caught Piper’s beaming eyes. “What?”  
“Nothing.”  
“Are those tears in your eyes?”  
“Shut up.”  
“You are crying, you little sap.”  
“Says the woman who drew a heart on our car door.”  
But they drew in to each other and smiled into each other’s shoulders, giddy for what felt like no reason.

That night it kept on raining. They cancelled their dinner arrangements and had a picnic on Piper’s bed - Alex’s bed now, too - of sandwiches and cranberry juice spiked with icy vodka. Having switched off their laptops and phones, they played cards and kept the record player running until they could barely sit upright. Then they lay in a heap and watched the window. The heater made its strange, creaking sound.  
“It feels good to have your stuff here,” Piper said, finally. “Strange, because it’s you moving in with me, not the other way around. It feels like I moved in with everybody else I was with ‘till now. You, Larry,” she shrugged.  
Alex shifted a little, her head resting on Piper’s lap.  
“What about Ella?”  
“We found this place together. It’s different. It was us being - I don’t know, thrifty.”  
“And now?”  
“And now?” Piper picked a strand of hair out of Alex’s face, “now it’s like home. Don’t you think?”  
Alex shrugged and smiled. Yes, of course, it felt like home. She finished the last sip of her sweet cocktail. Her parole was finally up; she was a free woman at last.  
She wasn’t thinking of her mother’s house, out there in the countryside, dark and alone. Later that night she dreamt of it, though, in the way you might dream of ghost houses in Hammer Studio horror movies. Alex woke, grumpy and thinking of all the extra taxes she was paying for the school district.

Ella’s old room was going to be a kind of study, they had agreed. Piper would migrate her work onto a desk in there, once they got one, and while Piper was at her organization’s headquarters downtown, Alex could use it for herself. The room was empty for now except for Piper’s books, which they had moved there a few days before, but Ella’s absence alone gave the whole apartment less of a student vibe.  
Alex frowned at her own thoughts. Why had she always had such a problem with Piper’s friends? If Alex had met Ella first, she thought, they’d have probably hit it off perfectly.  
“We really need shelves,” she muttered after breakfast, when Piper was packing up her things for work. Alex caught the words ‘Privatization’ and ‘Detention Centers’ on one of the memos, and felt her insides recoiling.  
“I know Babe,” Piper said, kissing Alex before heading to the door, “we need you to have your own income first, though. Right?”  
“Right,” said Alex, “let’s find an ex-con a job.”  
She laughed, snarkily.  
“Alex,” Piper said, and left. With Ella’s volunteered assistance, Alex had come in touch with a small chain of second hand stores that sold second hand books and CDs all over New York. Over the summer, there had been an agreement to have Alex come work for one of the larger outlets in Williamsburg – she would oversee the small café in the business, and she was supposed to assist with making the orders of second hand books and journals that would be sold at the store. It was a trendy job, the kind a grad student would want for a few years before going on to something else.  
But of course, she wasn’t exactly a young person, and there was something about her own vague dissatisfaction that made Alex feel like a whiny spoilt child. It was a better job than what her mother had held when Alex was a kid, she reminded herself, and poured the rest of the breakfast coffee into one of Piper’s yuppie travel mugs. Maybe, she thought to herself, in a few years or so, she could take out a loan and start her own business of second hand and rare books. It wouldn’t have to be in Manhattan or Brooklyn. It would attract costumers for itself alone. Alex could already see the store: tall, lit shelves, an odd leather armchair and lamp, extra displays of a rare copy of William S. Burroughs, Virginia Woolf, Vladimir Nabokov, some Beat poet – exhibiting good and edgy taste, yet also literary and decent enough for people like Piper’s family to appreciate. Alex could practically see herself pitching the business to an investor.

It was drizzling and cold outside, and she was in Bedstuy, walking down Nostrand to her first day of work. The sidewalks were covered in muck and wet leaves. It would take a good deal of money to acquire that kind of a store, she thought to herself.  
Alex checked her phone before she got to the subway. Rita, former employer from the mermaid café, had called, twice, and it was only nine in the morning.  
“Can you jump in for a shift tonight?” Rita sounded stressed. Alex felt just a little bad for her. She had quit in July, and it was October now.  
“Sorry,” Alex said, “I’ve moved. To another state, even. What’s wrong with Jean?”  
“That Jean!” Rita growled, “...Discovered she’s been peddling around her new boyfriend’s dope, selling it to customers. She’d made the whole bar look like some kind of sham business.”  
“Oh shit,” said Alex. She started to laugh. Jean must have gotten that boyfriend recently, because Alex had never heard of him.  
“It’s not funny,” said Rita. They said good-bye and hung up. Amusement rumbling through her chest, Alex felt compelled to call Jean, just for a laugh. But then she wondered whether that made her look like a terrible influence, and what if someone found out – Rita certainly had – and linked Jean to her, and to her past –

Still, she felt a little proud of Jean, and it took her a few hours to shake it off. When she did call Jean, it was late into the afternoon and she was having a salad in a cardboard box at the back of the store, after having spent most of the day shelving books and checking the inventory.  
“I just found about three different copies of Narcissus and Goldmund” Alex said, “I had to think of you.”  
Jean giggled in response.  
“So I heard you got fired from the Mermaid café?” Alex continued.  
“That’s an exaggeration,” Jean said, “Rita told me to come back next week, that’s all.”  
“She sounded pissed.”  
“Oh yeah,” Jean sounded like she’d gotten the worst of it, “it’s a real shame, though. It was going so well.”  
“No it wasn’t,” Alex said, “obviously. If it had, you would never have gotten caught.”  
“You got caught,” Jean said quietly.  
“Everyone gets caught – eventually. It took ten years and a breakdown to get me caught. And besides – it wasn’t all my fault.”  
Jean was quiet. Her breath crackled on the line, as though she was thinking about something.  
“Alex,” she said, “Could we talk about this? Because I’m not comfortable discussing it on the phone, okay.”  
“Does discussing mean there’s something in it for me?”  
“Yeah,” Jean said, “definitely.”  
“Come to New York, then. Come during a weekday. We can go for a walk in the park and you can explain your business plan. Okay?”  
“Okay. I can make it next week, I guess. Tuesday.”  
“Tuesday it is.”

That evening, Alex brought home cheap Indian food and beer, and they watched a Joan Crawford movie on Piper’s laptop.  
“How was the store,” Piper said, and Alex shrugged grumpily.  
“I’ll just wait,” said Piper, “I won’t ask any more questions, I’ll just wait and see what happens.”  
“It’s fine,” said Alex. It had been. She could always tell when people were impressed with her. And she knew her tattoos, mock confidence, and eyeliner helped. Then she said: “I just wish I was in charge, y’know.”  
Piper set her plate on the table and dragged her legs over Alex’s lap. Automatically, Alex reached forward and massaged Piper’s bony ankles underneath her woolly socks. She could feel Piper playing with her hair, and looked over for a second, smirking.  
“You will be,” Piper said, “Okay? I know you will.”  
Alex rubbed at her eyes underneath her glasses. She was happy, and she knew it.

Friday night, Piper’s younger co-workers threw a party in a bar in Soho. Alex and Piper held hands, and Piper introduced Alex, loudly, as “my girlfriend”. Out of the corner of her eyes, Alex was sure she saw some of Piper’s colleagues whispering at each other, glancing at them over their shoulders with awed looks on their faces. Alex tried shrugging the feeling off.  
“How about challenging your co-workers to a table-top soccer tournament?” she muttered to Piper. Having played so many games at Litchfield, day in and day out, they managed to beat everyone else. Eventually the others gave up and left them to it.  
“I didn’t think I’d ever want to play this again,” Piper yelled after scoring another goal. She was the meanest player, shooting the ball so hard it occasionally bounced right back into the field. Alex wasn’t so bad herself, but Piper beat her, loudly, in the very final round they played against each other.  
“So aggressive,” Alex snarled as Piper scored and won 10-4. They had two shots of tequila each, smiling wildly at each other as they did, and took a taxi home at two. The party was still going on, and was, it seemed, just getting started, but they somehow didn’t care. They didn't even dance.  
“Jesus Christ,” Alex said, pushing her glasses up over her head as the cab pulled off over the cobblestone streets, “will you look at us? We’re fucking old.”  
“Don’t say that,” Piper drawled, clawing onto Alex’s lap, “I hate it so much when you say that.”  
“I know,” Alex’s head was spinning a little, aching at the temples, “it’s like - what else is in store for us, y’know? Hey!”  
Piper, suddenly weirdly sober, was quietly staring into the distance, thinking about something.  
She said it automatically, as though it had occurred to her the second she uttered it: “Kids”.  
Alex snorted.  
“I mean it, Al -”  
“Pipes,” Alex said, and she felt as drunk as ever, so much that she felt mysterious water clouding her eyes, “Pipes, you need money for kids.”  
“I know that,” Piper said simply, “I’m sure my parents would help. They helped with Cal.”  
“Sheesh,” Alex muttered, “who says I want your parents to help.”  
They were both quiet for a bit. Alex felt comfortably fuzzy, the uneasiness of the conversation only surfacing every now and then, only to be drowned again out by the lights and echoes of the city around her. They crossed over the bridge. This was her favorite part of the trip.  
“I mean,” Piper still sounded lucid as ever, and she nodded as though completely awake and serious, “I mean, we would have to adopt, y’know?”  
“I know,” Alex said. Then she shook her head, “Christ, Piper - I’m not having this conversation now.”  
“Fine,” Piper snapped lightly, “fine, let’s have it tomorrow then.”  
And with that, she curled up and fell asleep, her forehead resting in the nook of Alex’s neck. Alex would later have to haul her up the steps of their brownstone and up the rickety stairs into their apartment. For now she watched the dark houses passing outside the window and drew drunken circles in Piper’s limp palm, relishing the feeling of Piper’s weight against her, the brush of her hair against her cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long time - though not as long as it takes to wait for another season! - & I'm still finding my way back into this little universe. I've missed writing this fanfic, and I'm very excited to return to it. Once again, thank you all for your support and ongoing encouragement. I hope you'll bear with me :)


End file.
